i saw her today. as we walked through the parks in autumn, it reminded me of the movies. bright orangy brown leaves blowing, descending from above, while the cool air freezes lonely hands. ours connected, just to keep warm.
finger between finger, between finger, our hands burried deep within each others; no person could separate. as she pulled me towards her while we crossed the street, the smell of her hair, and the touch of her soft skin beneath her thinly lined dress made all senses active.
each step of mine, followed by the many claps of wooden heels on hard cement, told me to slow down; she didn't want to lose me, and i definately didn't want to lose her. she was a little quiet, but she talked when she needed to. it's funny how i often questioned how much we really knew about each other and that i would throw it out the window whenever she pressed words between her lips. i'ld ask if she were hungry, or if she were thirsty, or if she were tired, and would get a soft and gentle,
- 'only if you are'.
i liked the way her face went when she was concentrating or when she tried to be angry. i liked her lips, bright red from the cold. i liked her hair, dark starry black, tidy. i liked her eyes...i really liked her eyes.
i don't ever want to wake up.
but i did.
and now i miss her so much.
it's only recently that i've been a little worried about how life is going. i've re-read alot of my old posts and to me, it feels as though the warm and content me is progressively becoming more and more non-exisitent. there are a few things which pops up in mind and i reckon they all have something to do with making ly a grumpy old sad dude.
i reckon growing older, and living through much more, especially dealing with experiences (whether or not they are good) has implanted in me, the idea that nothing seems to be the way it is. again, i know this is quite negative but maybe it's just due to the amount of 'bad' experiences compared to the good that i've dealt with since starting this blog. two and a half years ago, i returned from new zealand and after a long period of self reflection, i decided that i was the only person whom could turn my life around.
why is it now, when compared to then, that when i look in the mirror, i do not see the motivation, and the uncontrollable flame of determination, once seen in myself. the flame, once a lit to massive proportions, now flutters against a wind cast black, breathing it's last drop of fuel that once was suffice.
friends always joke about qut, with its associated dodgyness (compared to uq of course), and loved to always use the motto 'the real world' whenever we would describe of dodgy equipment or discount cutback student necessities. but maybe it is this that lies true. maybe it is this which makes me feel a little cold and lonely at times knowing that 'the real world' isn't all that nice.
i mean, these days it just seems to be all work, which i guess attributes to money. if we are not working, we are resting. if we are working, there is always that thought that dosh in pocket is barely comparable to the hard work we perform. apparently so i've heard, this gets worst as life progresses further. but what i can't understand is why this one aspect in life is so important. at the moment, it seems that work is done more to survive than anything else.
when mana came up from nz and sat on my bed, asking whether i still had my to do list, it made me shatter a little inside. two and a half years ago, i remember, while typing on the still new keyboard of my laptop, the reflection of computer screen white light, on an emancipated ly, just out of highschool and full of dreams and ambitions. i type of the goals in life i wished to fulfill. and with pride and joy i shared my list and the accomplishments i had with those who shared the same passion; and i guess with those whom didn't as well. when i came to realisation last wednesday night, it's a little sad that as frequently as i pick up my guitar to play those boredom tunes or when i come onto here to blog of how this or that thing sucks, the list, as originally made, sits lifelessly to the left, physically flapping it's weathered corners and digitally, as lifeless and lifeless can be on a computer.
(this sucks, i had a good ending all typed up but lost it all when my computer froze; i'll try my best) i've had a few days to think about this and it's made me realise, well, stuff it. in the end you make what you want to happen. when shit hits the fan sometimes, i guess, in a sickening way, you should embrace it. i know it's a little strange actually analyzing the phrase but i guess either way, if shit does hit the fan, your going to get hit whether you like it or not. but today, i'll try and sort life out as best as i can. i'm going to try and figure those little things that make me tick and those little things which actually tick me off and i guess embrace it. i'll try and manage time a little more better to find time to do those things i've always wanted. 20, even though sounds old to me, i guess is only a quarter of my life (i do plan to live to 80).
my only goal now is to get back on track and see this whole thing through. there are still 2 more months of holidays and i aim to cross off at least 10 goals, i'll do it, you'll see.
P.S. thanks to all those whom have made me realise that life isn't all about surviving. you know who you are.
so again you get the drunk ly but it isn't too bad at the moment. just came back from martins 20th and i've got to say his 21st will be insane. this whole week has pretty much been chilling.
i had harry come by from melbourne monday arvo and we showed him our traditional market square hangings. after sassing some malay corner nasi goreng (mind you harry actually ordered mi goreng) we went home and harry rehearsed and did some background research for his to be interview the following day.
we hung for a little while and after harry fell asleep on the couch, we called it a night. waking up at 9:30 (holy damn, i've never seen the sun so low) we had a small feed and headed down the coast. having the interview be at 1:10, we got their at 1:00after i got a little lost; i think conrads was calling me.
i was able to sort out a few things while i was waiting for him. i called for an interview for my pharmacy allocations over in algester and after a bit of confusion from the pharmacy coorindator (it was more like the guy didn't know jack about what was happening) we agreed that i would come in on friday. i got to sort out insurance for the camry and write a good list of to dos. it sucks when you have like one chill day; it puts you completely off routine (i think i suffer from OCD, i just need to know what i've got to do, all the time).
coming back to brissie and having the weather actually be pretty good (no clouds, 30+ degrees) we headed home for a quick drink and went to pick up mana and simone whom had arrived at brissie airport.
it had been 2 and a half years since i had seen mana....
