It's a little coincidental that the second I attended to the very last leaf just past the clothesline, I was greeted by the winter sunset which laid sheets of yellow and sprawled shadows of birds which started to flock onto the surrounding trees and fences. With spring just around the corner, maybe this is just a glance of what is to come, a new leaf?
These past couple of days have taught me one very valuable lesson; that is dreams are no more than lost causes unless they are acted upon.
Ive said one too many times of how this year will be different, or i wll try harder or pronounce some arsehole full of shit of a statement and return a few blogs later with a comparable excuse of why things haven't worked out.
Phuccie and martez made me realize that I've been going by it all wrong. They made me realize that my priorities are fairly out of proportional to one another and that by striving to accomplish so much, other goals have began to be forgotten, or given less effort. Not that it was that easy to make me recognize my problems, i admit, it was only after a ,n hour long talk and then some back at home did i believe some truth.
My personality and my second self has always been a planner, and an obsessive one at that. I can definitely see my accomplishments through my compulsive planning but very much so do the disappointment of the unachievable. The guys and i analyzed my life and concluded with work, uni and the boys. What a life it is to be summed up in three words i thought, its really hard to accept that my life only comprises of this much at the moment. They tried to convince me that to many people, Ive got enough goals to work towards let alone adding others such as investments, extra curricular activities and such. In the end it was more about money and how we could make some more.
I just found it hard to accept that there was little else i could do to improve my finances other than working pretty much full time with uni, the sixer and security on the side. I told the boys that routines are always hardest at the beginning no matter how easy or complicated they are. Starting uni for instance after a whole quarter of a year off seems like a fairly dreadful affair but a few weeks in, it feels easy. Then follows work, then more hours, then some and then your at my stage. I'm so used to the timetable i have now, i could skim through weeks and not realize how long its really been.
I was in a fair disagreement with the blokes about how i had lost the motivation to do more yet complained about not achieving my dreams. Fairly contradictory i have to agree but i guess it was more about losing motivation because life this year hasn't been the greatest, considering just how much hard work Ive put in it. I'm just agitated at how complicated life can get, if i were to concentrate on uni, who would pay the bills, if i concentrate of work, who is going to look after my mum in a few years when I'm stuck with a dead end job just to get myself through life...
I admit, I haven't always been great at looking at the bigger picture and it was only after a few unfortunate events that Ive realized that once you've dusted yourself off from crawling in the dirt on your hands and knees, there's someone else who starts to kneel. Once you've reached the lowest point in your life and you've dug so deep to get through it, there's someone whose gone deeper, who have been lower. Its fairly ironic how i can preach of how much hard work and sacrifice Ive put into gym to achieve so much and not apply it to other aspects of my life.
A good mate quoted; tough times never last, tough people do and it is this that holds so much truth. Tough times never last longer than they are supposed to, life actually is pretty fair, it just depends on how you look at it.
Yeah, so it hasn't been that great.
It's been a little hard to stay positive these days with the bombardment of things not to look forward to but time still passes so I guess that's okay.
Uni started two weeks ago but my first attendance was a week and a half later. It's always a little harder getting back into routine with an already busy schedule of work so I guess it's just a little normal to feel overwhelmed. This semester already seems like a challenging one with the first lecture on drug interactions confusing my already lost brain. I started placement this week and it's been pretty full on. My preceptor chucked me in the deep end; something I was tipped about after Trung told me a pre-reg quit because she was too strict. I actually like it to be honest, I mean, you don't learn anything if your spoon fed.
The drug rehabilitation program they have at the pharmacy really opened my eyes. I am definitely not as judgmental as I was before only really recognizing that the majority of drug abusers are normal people like you and me; everybody deserves a second chance. The experience also motivated me to seriously look deep into myself and figure out what I needed to change. Life may seem to be moving forward but much like muscle fibers under different conditions, more intensity and stress will lead to more growth. There's always something better and I'm trying hard to find it..my second chance perhaps?
Prepare for failure and you will always succeed.
When you understand that everyone will let you down; you will never be disappointed.
It begins even before I start to lift any weight. As the arginine causes nitric oxide to begin dilating my blood vessels and the creatine and amino acids I ingest beforehand start to make it's way into saturating the muscle cells, my core body temperature rises; it begins.
Between shutting my car door and walking the 3 or so sets of stairs to my haven of hell, all I can think of is how much pain I will be in and how much I will enjoy every second of it. The door closes behind me after the distinguished beep of my card swiping across the scanner. People naturally stare at whom has entered but I am not fazed as a quick click of my ipod sends rumbles of drum and bass to my ears, my silence.
No time is wasted, but the 5 or so minutes of moderate incline walking to warm up seems to pass by in an instant. A quick piss and I am already in front of myself, holding the weights to start my first set.
Here we go.
Rep after rep, set after set, exercise after exercise; and I'm only at front lifts. The drop sets on the beginning militaries absolutely wrecked and thoughts of completing this session begin to dim. The pain becomes unbearable by the second set of lifts but knowing that success only lies in reps past failure, I push on. 11, 12, one more, are the last things recovered from the previous set and it's time to finish. The twelve sets of militaries, and front lifts with varying grips prepare me for the second half of deltoids exercises. If this was pain, I didn't want to imagine what would come next.
A superset of lateral lifts and rack shrugs was about to put me on my arse. As the fuckwits behind me are laughing and throwing medicine balls are each other, my vision is tunneled; I'm surprised I actually noticed them. The set gets heavy and as I hesitate to go heavier for the next set, it still gets done. The third set sends me into hyperventilation but the torture is nearly over. It's a drop set on the last weight on the stack, and rack shrugs to failure. It's over, well, it's downhill from now anyway.
The bar militaries and reverse delt flies go by undisturbed and without too much drama. The slight pump in the biceps from the laterals end the weights on cable curls and off to the treadmill to warm down. I restart my playlist and it begins again. With lactic acid still present there's still lasting pain until 10 or so minutes have passed. A moderate incline walk on 5 speed saturates my already wet shirt and the halo of heat and stench which radiates from me makes me think what other people think and how much I didn't care. To get by every minute, I occupy my mind with quotes of those whom have succeeded. I think of how they got there and how I will make my own way there. 35 minutes later and my session is over.
Standing cold and clotheless in a freezing shower, I only think of what I can do better next time. 'I'll vary my grip for an extra set of lifts and increase my cardio another 5 minutes next session'. With a protein shake in hand- extra dextrose for nutrient delivery, I walk down the 3 sets of stairs after a distinguished beep of the door closing behind me and sit down in my car after closing it.
This is my life now. Am I obsessed; probably, but success stems from obsession
I will succeed.
“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.” – Theodore Roosevelt
If it is important to you, you will find a way. If not, you’ll find an excuse.
Those who never take risk will never have to worry about success.
The coldness of the winter has put a slightly more lonesome feeling in the air these days. Most of my deepest emotional memories stemmed from previous chilly winters so maybe that's got something to do with it. With the majority of the fellas still busting their brains to endure the last of their exams, this may have also been a contribution to the loneliness. The first week of the holidays passed by with catch up work and gym. Work has been great and gym as been awesome. Life to be honest couldn't be much better but then again I'm usually on a high during the colder months. The crisp winter air and clear cloudless blue and black starry skies of the days and nights respectively, to me, portrays what winter really should be like.
I love the feeling of being on top of a cold bed under a woolen blanket before the bed gets warm. I am never bothered to put on socks unless I'm already wearing them so the stretching of tracky dacks (or the sacrifice for bum warmth) usually presents some warmness for the little digits.
Along with the warm and cosy experience of winter that keeps me even warmer and fuzzier inside, I feel that most people seem less stressed and less irritated in general. Winter to me feels like the season of love, where it feels awesome to be around loved ones and even the thought of being with someone brings warmth into the insides.
I've made sure to make the most out of these winter holidays (If only our Christmas break were around winter, it'd make it even better). Finishing up about a week and a half ago, I've realised that it is only now that the guys and girls are finally catching up to completing exams themselves. I maintained a 106.7 after the week or so of cramming every night on the Maltesers and Micky D Mcnuggets so i guess all I've really done is changed the ratio between fat and muscle. It was definitely felt when i tried pushing 32.5 with much effort after doing 8 on 40kg dumbbells only a week or so before. But I've upped the cardio in response and hit the work hole up a few more days a week to get the muscles back to remembering what weight they used to do. I'm slowly getting my to do list things from years back done now and its kind of sad knowing how long half the things on that list had dragged out to.
I hit the wreckers to finally complete the jigsaw that was my car. After a solid effort I got to obtain an air con bracket off of a donor Honda accord, I seriously cannot wait to have air con again; now time to actually install the thing...its on my to do.
Ive been pretty content this past week or so. Actually, its probably more on the side of actual happiness to be honest. There have been a few things which have ticked me off lately but seemed to passed by pretty unnoticed hey. Phuccies' advice is to always see the bad days or weeks out and make sure that the next are better; I have bad hours now. Life has been very good to me but then again, its probably just how I've dealt with it lately. There have been other aspects of life which have been going in a better direction these days although I think it was only one thing that kicked it all off. I don't like to think that one single significant other has changed my thoughts about the majority of things in life but it definitely has had an effect.
Every time I'm online its her face book that I look at, not so much as to read her comments but just so i could see her. I made sure I attended every tutorial this year, not just for the fact that it was compulsory (I've skipped them before) but for the possibility of glancing over in a random moment to have her glance back at me. Obsessed you may think but to me even a slight smile from a random person can cheer up my day; let alone a glance from one whom was part of my history. I guess this is just another story to add to the woeful collection of broken love that encompasses my life, sarcasm? Its such a sad answer, no.
Life two weeks since the beginning of this post (its taken me that long to get here since I post whenever I can by adding bits and pieces on my phone) seems much more complicated than the once aforementioned. Today, although I'm fairly content, it was only recently that money problems seemed to have resolved. I'm kind of sick of having negative money every time a bill month comes round but i guess its a real relief once the month is over.
At night I cant even close my eyes without having several things keep them open. I have seemed to be stuck on the thoughts of three different relationships at the moment. The first one describes of actual problems which have arisen through my attempt to fix it. It still puzzles me how a simple gesture to get a friend to come and catch up isn't as appreciated as you'd think. Maybe its just me, maybe out of all the effort its not me that's meant to benefit, but then again, if shes happy, then I guess that's good enough.
TBC
Life at the moment...
PHARMACEUTICS LECTURES AND I AM DONE!
Hopefully.....
This is what uni has turned my life into.
So the days have all become merged into one duration of long-ness. Night-time seems to replace the day however the overlapping of sleep and awakening sometimes get hard to distinguish between. There are only a few things on my once preservative free mind which is now filled with so much caffeine I feel like I might actually just die. Nope.
As I'm sitting here typing, I'm glad that the majority of my exams are over. I absolutely smashed my oral Monday just past however nothing to be very proud of considering I've already done the unit once before. I was reminded by how disappointed I was at myself every time I flipped through a lecture and wondered whether I'd make the same mistake ever again; I concluded probably yes.
With one more exam till I'm officially on holidays, it's not the exam which occupies the majority of my thinkings. My Efil at the present moment seems very swell. Not having work for the past couple of weeks makes for a very good break. Having actually set aside money in preparation for the vacation (hardly), I've enjoyed the fact that work hasn't been essential for surviving for once.
I am a very happy person today which can be attributed to a long string of happy times spanning the past couple of months. 'Life seems to have more substance' I said to a good friend (much less closer now but close nonetheless). It seems that I've become more open and confident but it's hard to pinpoint how I've gotten here (Martin and Phuccies' wise advice maybe?). As with the more positive outlook to life, I think the main things have been the surrounding of friends and family and the catch up of the few that I missed (not forgotten).
May there also be a someone who has helped me see the sun behind rain, 
the moon behind the clouds? The stars? Probably, probably not but maybe? Yeoooooww!
A couple of things seem to be going alright at the moment.
Just reached 700 plus views on my first fishing report, 400 + on my second less interesting follow up, 106.8 on the scales and my first awarded achievement since high school when I got best forward (yeah, 3rds mate, nothing to be really proud of).
I think this can of mother's just making me giddy; last lecture to go for pharmacy oral preparation...
What do you know, the final one is Oral health.
Ciao!
Can't believe I won this! Pretty stoked hey, check it out if your ever in need to read 10,000 words or so....http://www.brisbanefishing.com.au/competitions/report-of-the-month/446-2010-may-lemax-report-of-the-month-winner
There's always one thing that you promise to not think about and always do. For most people its regrettable memories or bad thoughts you wished never occurred.
At the moment, it's a few good memories which I have failed to forget. It saddens me when I know of better times and that when the little things are taken for granted, it usually doesn't last too long...
But contrary to this, I'm happy that a new beginning has arrived. It's made me think of the things I missed so I can cherish it much more than I once did. It's made me think of the things I should do differently or keep the same.
But most of all, it's made me think of how happy I have become;
'smile,; only the memory of your smile is all I need to pass each day,.. each week,... each month....
So this is my first post on my first technological advancement since my laptop computer. I just recently got myself a Nokia n900 after completely wrecking my n95. It now sits alongside my once upgraded gadgets comprising of an MD player I bought on eBay and random mp3 players and digital cameras which, due to the update of operating software, make them terribly hard to find drivers for. Sometimes I hate how fast technology advances....
This past week and a half has been one with a couple of firsts for me. Ever since my last post, I seriously cannot remember what I've done with my time until the past week or so. Two weeks suddenly just passed by which may have been due to work at the sixer starting again. Actually, that's probably it.
So I started work again and apart from the fact that I'll be able to survive again, my new found passion for cooking has made the whole work environment a lot better endured. The saying fresh is best is no lie. I've found motivation for cooking and as a result have been playing with my food a fair bit; before cooking it of course. I've started to experiment with a lot of ingredients these days which may have been due to going grocery shopping for the first time in a month or so (mum looks after us pretty good). Copying a fellow chef, I used Rosemary to make Rosemary skewered prawns which were pan fried in butter. Absolutely beautiful when he made it, absolutely not awesome when I made it at home with month old frozen prawns.
Work has overlapped into time at home when I'm trying to think of new ways to cook and eat chicken breasts. I guess it's not so much as described as work as I'm enjoying it but the habit of having my tea towel draped across my shoulder and the need to clean up dishes after finishing doesn't seem to stray too far; I think it's a good habit.
In talking about food at home, the chicken breasts, tuna and protein shakes have allowed me to dust off another couple of kilograms, sitting me on 109kgs after training. For the first time since high school, I am under 110kg and am loving absolutely every moment of it. My energy levels have been a lot higher and my overall mood has been a much more positive outlook to life. I'm not in the best shape nor am I the prettiest (even though I'd like to think otherwise) but just having someone notice that I've lost some weight or say I look a bit better, just makes everything seem more worth it. Thanks mum. :S
....and all my wonderful mates.
Uni life has been great. I've been really enjoying my practicals these past couple of weeks but that's probably because I've started to actually make some new friends. My prac partner, even though she has little to say is pretty cool. I overheard one of our tutors saying how great we work together, especially when amazingly there's great communication even though there's little of it. I guess all good communication is one that can be understood, hopefully the times I stuffed up this semester won't deter her from helping me out next semester. I've also caught up with a long lost friend who coincidentally was in my prac class as well. It's funny how the rekindling of old motivation for a love occurs when talking about it's history...
The things life sometimes throws at you hey? Not quite sure whether I should throw it back or hold onto it. It does add a couple of more good reasons to life though, maybe let time run its course.
To be continued.
Upon arrival at the Mariot hotel, we were greeted by great tan coloured fans which other than merely moving the air around it, showed just how grand this hotel was. We regrouped at the entrance to the restaurant in front of a rock pool shooting water from a fountain, to be served by a waiter in a suit whom showed us around. For the first time in my life, I was introduced to the foods that I would be eating and shown to their locality. There were wood-fire pizzas which were made on the spot and the local seafood which comprised of the prawns, bugs and oysters were the freshest I’ve ever seen. The oysters were much creamier than imaginable and the cooked foods were delicious. They had panned fried snapper with hollandaise sauce, oven grilled moreton bay bugs with cracked pepper and tomato and onion chutney. There were more oysters which were oven baked with bacon, lamb cutlets with pepper gravy and bar-b-que chicken which was hand carved by a chef. Assorted breads, salads and cheeses were offered similar to other buffets however the quality of the foods seemed much more superior.
So in we dug, and dug in we did, no time wasted. The food was beautiful to say the least but the company was what made the party. The retelling of stories with the regulars to catch the non-regulars up heard many sounds of laughter and joy. It’s always good seeing everyone at once, it reminds me of the young school days where we’d all see each other everyday, all together, all at once. We laughed when the waitress fulfilled Vinhs need for oranges and were amazed at how much Ross could actually eat.
After an exhausting couple of hours and a delightful couple of dessert plates later, satisfied, we all waddled away to figure what the next plan of action was to be. A suggestion here and a drive there lead us to a new jetty built just off of the broad water car park. It was beautiful and coupled with such a beautiful day, there wasn’t much more that could make me happier. Quangie who fulfilled his attempt earlier to trick me by actually bringing a fishing rod, hit the plastics hard on the jetty while we all sat admiring the day in end. Bondy with his amazing camera took some equally amazing photos. In usual fishing fashion, we caught jack all however it was good fun seeing the Koreans fillet undersized bream and throwing them out in hope for something massive. With the sun setting to leave a hue of red and orange colours swirling in the sky, it was time to end one wonderful day and head for home. We stopped by sunnybank for some late dinner dessert and for those who stayed; we decided that the night was still young. It was about 8 o’clock and after a quick game of starcraft and hon, we decided the next best thing to do was hit Redcliffe for a quick fish.
A dismal cold quiet night turned into an awesome one when Ricky pulled up a massive 52 centimeter flathead on servo prawns. The head on this thing was huge and such a great effort on his behalf to pull the thing from a bridge that high. When the orange and red colours of the sky started to appear again, beneath the darkness, and despite the fact that a new day was about to begin, we decided to end the epic day that was. After filling our stomachs with pre-breakfast maccas, we headed home to Brisbane to our long awaiting beds, for a sleep which could run as late into the day as wanted.
Long weekends are the best! Cont.
