It's a little coincidental that the second I attended to the very last leaf just past the clothesline, I was greeted by the winter sunset which laid sheets of yellow and sprawled shadows of birds which started to flock onto the surrounding trees and fences. With spring just around the corner, maybe this is just a glance of what is to come, a new leaf?
These past couple of days have taught me one very valuable lesson; that is dreams are no more than lost causes unless they are acted upon.
Ive said one too many times of how this year will be different, or i wll try harder or pronounce some arsehole full of shit of a statement and return a few blogs later with a comparable excuse of why things haven't worked out.
Phuccie and martez made me realize that I've been going by it all wrong. They made me realize that my priorities are fairly out of proportional to one another and that by striving to accomplish so much, other goals have began to be forgotten, or given less effort. Not that it was that easy to make me recognize my problems, i admit, it was only after a ,n hour long talk and then some back at home did i believe some truth.
My personality and my second self has always been a planner, and an obsessive one at that. I can definitely see my accomplishments through my compulsive planning but very much so do the disappointment of the unachievable. The guys and i analyzed my life and concluded with work, uni and the boys. What a life it is to be summed up in three words i thought, its really hard to accept that my life only comprises of this much at the moment. They tried to convince me that to many people, Ive got enough goals to work towards let alone adding others such as investments, extra curricular activities and such. In the end it was more about money and how we could make some more.
I just found it hard to accept that there was little else i could do to improve my finances other than working pretty much full time with uni, the sixer and security on the side. I told the boys that routines are always hardest at the beginning no matter how easy or complicated they are. Starting uni for instance after a whole quarter of a year off seems like a fairly dreadful affair but a few weeks in, it feels easy. Then follows work, then more hours, then some and then your at my stage. I'm so used to the timetable i have now, i could skim through weeks and not realize how long its really been.
I was in a fair disagreement with the blokes about how i had lost the motivation to do more yet complained about not achieving my dreams. Fairly contradictory i have to agree but i guess it was more about losing motivation because life this year hasn't been the greatest, considering just how much hard work Ive put in it. I'm just agitated at how complicated life can get, if i were to concentrate on uni, who would pay the bills, if i concentrate of work, who is going to look after my mum in a few years when I'm stuck with a dead end job just to get myself through life...
I admit, I haven't always been great at looking at the bigger picture and it was only after a few unfortunate events that Ive realized that once you've dusted yourself off from crawling in the dirt on your hands and knees, there's someone else who starts to kneel. Once you've reached the lowest point in your life and you've dug so deep to get through it, there's someone whose gone deeper, who have been lower. Its fairly ironic how i can preach of how much hard work and sacrifice Ive put into gym to achieve so much and not apply it to other aspects of my life.
A good mate quoted; tough times never last, tough people do and it is this that holds so much truth. Tough times never last longer than they are supposed to, life actually is pretty fair, it just depends on how you look at it.
Yeah, so it hasn't been that great.
It's been a little hard to stay positive these days with the bombardment of things not to look forward to but time still passes so I guess that's okay.
Uni started two weeks ago but my first attendance was a week and a half later. It's always a little harder getting back into routine with an already busy schedule of work so I guess it's just a little normal to feel overwhelmed. This semester already seems like a challenging one with the first lecture on drug interactions confusing my already lost brain. I started placement this week and it's been pretty full on. My preceptor chucked me in the deep end; something I was tipped about after Trung told me a pre-reg quit because she was too strict. I actually like it to be honest, I mean, you don't learn anything if your spoon fed.
The drug rehabilitation program they have at the pharmacy really opened my eyes. I am definitely not as judgmental as I was before only really recognizing that the majority of drug abusers are normal people like you and me; everybody deserves a second chance. The experience also motivated me to seriously look deep into myself and figure out what I needed to change. Life may seem to be moving forward but much like muscle fibers under different conditions, more intensity and stress will lead to more growth. There's always something better and I'm trying hard to find it..my second chance perhaps?
