Am I old?
So alright, I'm at home now after a more than typical night which usually ends with a drive home from an hour and a half session at the gym. Finishing work a little earlier than usual and cutting short after work conversations with Tien, I hurried over to the gym to smash my shoulder workout.
I feel proud to say that today, I have lost 20 kilos since the first time I started at Jetts. When the scale read 101.8 I was absolutely ecstatic. It jumped to 102 flat, and although I was a little dissapointed, I was still pretty happy. The last week and a half of carb cycling cut 4 kilos, a little extreme I guess but with the morning cardio and major changes in my nutrition, I'm suprised I didnt lose more.
As soon as I got off the scale, it was shoulders until the clock read something between half an hour to forty-five minutes later. The rush with time was due to a mates bucks party I was intending to attend. To be real honest, I absolutely hate the whole clubbing and bar scene and with the change in lifestyle with gym, alcohol wasnt really on my mind either. But to keep friendships fresh I really wanted to see the guys for a quick catch up and a little sacrifice was needed.
I cut ten minutes off of my cardio and I felt so bad. I kept finding excuses to not go, thus the main reason I went for a workout. I brought my usual 'going out' attire along in the car and figured that if I survived work and then got absolutely smashed at the gym and still felt like going, I would be able to. On the treadmil I texted the boys to see if it were still worth coming. Given that they had texted me all night convincing me to come say hi, the following texts didnt seem too enthusiastic. Roy was real keen to see me so I decided to go meet up with them.
The drive through the valley continuously reminded me why I hated the whole scene so much. I parked and then walked through the young valley crowd to meet up with about 20 guys, familiar faces scattered within the unfamiliar. It was great to see all the A blocks guys again and how they reacted when they saw me reminded me why I loved them so much. A little mingle and I was convinced to pay 20 bucks upon entry to a (I am very disgraced to say), titty bar. Apparently thats what bucks parties are all about, so that I'm told, and I guess if I were to catch up with the guys, a little sacrifice was to be made? Yeah, I didnt enjoy it...or did I?
Roy had me for the door which I hesitated greatly but I paid him back by giving Ross drink money so he could pass it on to him for me. I did so when I dropped the guys off in the city after leaving the bar 10 minutes later and the valley a whole 20 or so minutes after arriving. I VTECed out of the city, jumped on the highway with John Mayer blasting, windows down and had feelings of independence and freedom, not loneiness.
I think I have confirmed my oldness or rather posession of some old-like properties just from the conclusion of my night out. Why is it that I enjoy getting out of my slacks and a button up shirt and into boxers and abs (scrap that last one). Why is it that I enjoy making myself a tuna sandwich and a protein shake and then sharing it with my other best friend who isn't human and can't speak, more than being out with the guys at a much much too loud for my liking, nightclub? Why is it that I think nightclubs are too loud?
But does that make me old? In a sense I feel that I've grown up a little more but then again, there was never really a time I can remember when I was young, well for long anyway. I'm not exactly feeling that it's such a bad thing. I always remember a saying, your only as old as you feel and although I seem like an old man, I guess I've just got different hobbies and opinions to the majority of those my age. I feel that the endless enduring work nights have had some effect in shaping how I feel these days aswell; where the first thing on my mind upon finishing is going home to sleep.
I think my lifestyle change to help me live longer has also shifted my priorities. Maybe there are better things in life than waking up hungover from a night of annihilating your insides with impurities and killing your body with insufficient sleep.
There definately is. I like being an old bastard.
So I've had a slight chip in my heart these past couple of days but I'm doing okay. Other than being slightly more motivated to blog a little more often, the side effects of cardiac broken-ness are prevented by keeping my mind occupied with things that make me feel happy.
We went to the springbrook mountains sunday just passed and other than having the usual great day out with the usual gang, it was definately a great experience, one which I've summoned a number of times to help me get through till our next memorable outting. The glow worms were absolutely amazing even though their peak light projection occurs near the end of December. I've always been fascinated by bioluminescence and intend to definately revisit once the mushrooms, trees and fireflies light up the forest.
Everyone feels a little crushed when fantasies are confirmed as such. I'm pretty corny in a way that my mind always tries to create the most 'romantic' scenario ever imaginable with absolutely anything that stimulates it.
The idea of fireflies let me conjure of a night which would only be lit by the luminescence of bioluminescences. The ground glows from millions of needle sized fungus and leads to a path ending under a mushroom covered tree, atop a green grassy hill which glows a dull pink colour. The street light like projections from under the pan sized symbiotic growths of the tree highlight a neatly spreaded blanket, and a basket full of food. Once the food has been eaten and we lie there, the fireflies surround us, and the pulsating of the glow worms in the distant caves synchronise with the dull thuds in our chests.
This was my little picnic for whoever wanted to join me. I always find amusement when I get lost in my own fantasies. It's even better when there is someone I create them for but I guess reality is kind of a buzz kill, especially when your a lost and hopeless romantic like myself. In saying that though, I'm not as depressed as you might think I am. Upon googling synonyms for heartbreak which definately isnt what I'm feeling, words such as despair, heartsickness, agony of mind and wretchedness definately do not describe how I feel.
Like I said previously, the chip is probably 1/100th of the heart which correlates to maybe a tenth of real sadness (saddness?). I'm more relieved that things turned out this way rather than getting further confounded within my thinkings.
I guess I'll just have to wait for someone else who wants to have sandwichs in the world of glow. Hope I don't have to wait too long though....
Its a little depressing when things dont turn out the way you want them to, especially when you've put so much effort into creating something that was just not meant to be. But I guess thats life and you move on. Well, human emotions and doings have quite a way of hindering the processes of 'moving on' which leads me to my point of question, why?
I'm not exactly questioning why we become so attached to things but rather, the selectivity of attachment. There are many things I have put in the past and never looked back such as terrible grades, some pretty damn embarrassing experiences and in general, the occasional fuck ups life brings. But the one thing I've never been able to let go of and forget are relationships. From the very bad relationships I've had in my life to the best ones, I can honestly say that there hasnt been a day that has gone by without me thinking of at least one of these relationships.
Apart from the frequent wonderings of the guys and Janice and what they're up to, the rest of my mind usually circulates the thoughts of bad relationships or friendships (if you want to describe them as that). I usually ponder on what could of been if things happened differently or the timing was a little better, or if that hand of fate slightly changed courses of direction. I think of ways I could make exisiting relationships better and how to re-ignite passed ones. These thoughts occasionally are acted upon and till this day there are only a handful of relationships that I havent been able to mend; theres probably one in particular which has sparked this post however....
Like I've said before and will continue saying, factor for dissapointment and you will never be suprised. Everyone will dissapoint you at least once, it just depends how much you can take before you come to a stage where you question whether its really worth all the effort. Maybe, maybe not?
Its a maybe for me.
And thats probably the answer to my question above; the selectivity of attachment probably has something to do with what makes you you. I've always had a mind to want to fix broken things, from physically broken objects, broken relationships, broken hearts (although the mending of the latter isnt an occasional happening). But thats just me and how I've been brought up. Call it a mild case of OCD if you must but I've always had a need to fix things, broken things just irritate me. Although not directly the product of the olden, since mum has a slight problem with confrontation and would rather let things run their course; I've found ways around this more or less hereditary trait and often question whether the mutation is of benifit.
I feel that life should'nt be all about worrying how to fix the broken things in life but rather embracing that they onced existed and to understand that it is normal for wear and tear to occur as well as damage which cannot be replaced. In saying this, I guess if I wasnt such a hypocritical idiot, life would be alot simpler.
What do you do hey. Im working towards it.
Repititon; the act or an instance of repeating or being repeated, as described by wiki-dictionary, is pretty much what life seems to be for me these days. I've never realised how much of a routine I actually follow until recently seeing where I stand in the progress of both personal and physical development.
Tonight when the scales showed 103.4, I realised that in 8 months I've managed to work towards a goal that I never thought would be possible. 8 months of hard lifting, exhausting cardio and the same routine, day in and day out and day in and day out, has led to a total weight loss of 19 kilos, 10 centimeters off my waist circumference and from what I see looking back at me in the mirror, a much more happy Ly.
Switching up my diet to help me cut a little more body fat, I look back and a week has already passed. I started with thoughts of disatisfaction and dreadingness when the taste of plain can tuna and little to no carbs replaced my more than moderate amounts of carbohydrates and saturated fats (I've actually been eating pretty cleanly, with the bad lipids coming from the unoccasional feed at the big k).
Every morning starts with a teeth brushing followed by a protein shake. I added a chore afterwards and in completing the majority of housework on and off of my to do's, my acquired energy is now put to a half an hour session of cardio. I now do cardio and any exisiting chores; its quite suprising how a little effort put into everyday can change pretty much your whole day, in my case, for the better.
Both your body and mind work conjunctively to develop habits, to break habits the mind is always the one you must conquer inititally but once you take control of it, the body does the rest of the work. I have trouble sleeping after work unless I've lifted and I have trouble staying awake in the morning unless I've done my session of cardio. Your body is a very adaptive system and with a little effort and some repititon, I guess the sky and the deepest undiscovered seas are the limit.
So not having a computer isnt so bad, days seem more productive with less youtubing and bumming on forums looking up mostly useless stuff. The majority of the important things are easily accessed through my phone and apart from typing a little slower without a proper keyboard, nothing much is different.
I like having no computer to be honest. Not only does it allow me to be more productive, I reckon I've saved a fair few dollars not having it on twenty four seven. Having the great timing of computer annihlation just before exams, the latter couldnt be said with the ps2 breaking just when exams finished.
So currently, unless I'm outside on the couch with my trustee hard-drive media player, I'm not only computer-less, but am dvd watching-less. It gets boring after a hard night of work and iron especially when my only haven is taken away by the snoring annoyance that is the little sister; ffs shes sleeping with her 'laptop' playing episodes of modern family anyways, the new episodes I'd have to add, the ones I would be able to watch if my computer was working! Such is life isnt it?
But on the topic of annoying people, my last post describes of my top three most hated pet peeves. The boys and I had a good discussion about attributes that tick us off about people and where a stranger starts off before a relationship is established. Janice ranks everyone on a dislike scale before even meeting them. Phuccie reckons everyone starts on neutral ground with him and not many people move from there. The opposite on the scale was represented by tatey when Janice described his relationship with people starting at best friend until proven otherwise, they are only given one chance however. Although I couldnt say I'm much the same as any of them, I do believe that people must prove themselves before they progress much further than just accomplices. I explained to them that although they must prove their worthiness, once worthy, the friendship increases exponentially. Im still to figure out how I deal with dissapointment and fuck ups. To be honest, everyone stuffs up and if you recover from it, most instances things that stuffed it up, will never happen again, and the memory of it is never mentioned. To be honest, I'm not a grudge holding type of guy, I'm actually quite forgiving as I see no benefit from wasting energy to be angry when you could be happy and carefree. But I guess in similarity to tateys view on friendship, theres always the benefit of the doubt. I question whether there is a limit to the amount of chances you give though, but in the end, if people dont appreciate the friendship then I guess its best to let them on their way.
On other more positive news, I'm still on a little high with the completion of my first 5 days of holidays since exams finished. With old friends buzzing to catch up with me, the completion of security for ever ever (at the moment anyway) and the general holiday happy happenings (chilling with the guys down the coast, late night soft serve runs, front lawn gutter sitting convos, etc), today life seems fairly swell. I've made sure I make the most out of these holidays with the start of the day, ensuring I brush my teeth and chug down a protein shake. For some reason, doing these little things to begin my day has helped me extend it. I'll see if I can add a chore a day, I'll definately get alot more done that's for sure.
I'm buggered. Good night people with a nose biscuit full of tipsy chooks.
stupid people, softcocks and liars....i hates these
Yesterday was the first time since last year that i got absolutely smashed on the rummies. Today ive experienced one of the worst workouts since last year and ive concluded through my awesome skills of deductive reasoning that it must of been my inability to drink enough; couldnt have been the rummies thats for sure. On the note of gym, the terrible workout has in a positive sense, showed me how far ive come since my first visit to the gym.
Although my goal of reaching a hundred kilos is still slightly out of reach and the visibility of abdominals shouldnt even be mentioned about, my waist circumference is finally in a healthy range and my levels of energy can be portrayed pretty accurately by the redbull ads, its like ive got wings!
Its that time of year again where celebrations begin and planning for celebrations are in action. I love this time of year, even though it indicates that only after conquring the demons that are the end of year exams, I'd be able to start living the plans myself.
Ive been a uni whore the past couple of days, trying to cram my brain with some more pharmacy practice lectures. My attempt to study at home after a fairly good attempt at making the house study friendly failed miserably when i forgot to factor in my easy accessibility for my bed and the sleep associated furniture i.e the couch. With my computer busted again through some awful godforsaken son of a beeech virus, the study nights out at gardens point seemed at times hindered with much more efficient hand to desktop cursor and finger to letter actions rather than the finger pointer and simultaneous texting thumb typers.
But it hasnt been all that bad to be honest. Ive definately been alot more productive this semester round and even though id be hardpressed to regurgitatate word for word the adverse reactions of all the wonderful drugs of dyslipedmia, heart failure, erectile dysfunction etc, and other need to remember for exam information, i feel pretty confident that ill do ok. "Wtf am i saying..."
On non failing university exams news, i think i might be in love,.....again. But its probably not what you think, well not exactly. I think from the progressive improvements ive made these past couple of weeks things seem to have become more,- lovable. It seems that with improved energy and motivation from the regular gym nights and the slow but noticable sexy improvements, have added about 2 tenths into my tank of happys. The reduction of time spent bumming around either on the net or in front of the digital screens have made me become a little more productive and with accomplishing much more, i seem to be more satisfied as days come to ends. The relations seem to be all in order and some, so i guess if im not in a good mood at the moment, there wouldnt be much else that could made me happy.
Ive started to throw the words fate and destiny around a fair bit these days although i still believe that working hard to find your wanting will always trump the abilities of fate, well, 80-20 i reckon. But with regards to 'my' recent experiences of destiny and fate, i reckon that more than nothing, things happen for a reason. I lost 40 bucks last week when i was trying to be a rich guy....cont.
