Taurine + Ginseng + B Vitamins + Guarana =
hopefully a finished assignment and some more......
hey, who is this your probably thinking, or not,.... but yes, it actually is me. back from resurrection and although life seems to be a little boring at the moment, i've still got a bit to express, haven't i always though ay?
my new flame of passion for fishing has been lit and burning ever so brightly for the past couple of months. other than the countless amounts of catties our little brissie river often provides us, we've managed to learn it's little secret and unlock the many mysteries of the once so hated. able to catch my first ever jewie just a few months back with the help of an old mate quang, and landing a few monsters since then, what i've learnt has definitely guaranteed that i'll catch fish when i'm 90.
apparently i've considered myself a 'tamer' of the brisbane river now that i've caught it's biggest secret the threadfin salmon and yeah yeah, i know, you've all done it before but it's definitely something i'll never forget in a hurry. not only did the 90 or so centimeter make a satisfied feed for more than a few people, in catching it, it's taught me so much more about the way i've been living and so much more about how i should change it.
my second brain is always reminding me that if i put even a little percentage of the effort i do on fishing, i'ld probably be somewhere by now. not to mention the hard work i do to actually enjoy my fishing; working for some spare money between two jobs, there's the dragging of an 18 ft or so cast net out to the waters edge and throwing it a couple of dozen times to find a prawn in each one. theres also the late nights and the freezing cold as well the loss of morale on days when it's dead slow...
no doubt, i've realized that without the work there can be no real success but motivation to keep going is usually lost when it comes to things like studying for me. i question many times whether i'm creating the right path for myself and still can't figure out what else that appeals to me more than fishing. how much it hurt to loose my first thready on somewhat piss weak gear and comparable experience. gaining from this experience, i learnt that another thing lost is another thing gained and from a week of forum scouting to upgrading the gear, and between the efforts of throwing the same lure over and over again at the same spot and finally landing the bastard, i had caught my first thready. i was actually happy for once knowing that from all my efforts, i had gained something.
------->
these days, it all seems to be too much work for not much play. 30+ hours a week to pay off a few bills and save up for future bills just really doesn't seem worth it. mum reckons the work i do is consuming me, but even though i know she understands that i do it for her and the little sister, i don't think she knows that i have to do it. i sometimes hate being 'the guy that works so hard' especially when people start getting it confused with 'the guy that works so much'. i hate putting so much time and effort into surviving where efforts of barely scraping is usually the result.
two jobs to 'just' get me by. one which covers my clothes drenched in what only bleach can remove and the other, well pretty much the same. i hate being the one that does so much sacrificing both physically and emotionally and have no acknowledgment of appreciation; it sure as sh*t does feel that way though. its just so hard to stay positive when you put so much effort in filling a bucket with soo many holes. i'm doing it though, barely.
as lonely as the single gold fish left in the large dark waters of my fish tank, i am without doubt too similar. must i actually find those who really do love me for who i am, or will they come to me?
i hate loving too much for those who matter, am i an idiot?
sometimes its hard to to be harsh.....
but how will they ever learn?
It was only after driving around the valley at 11 o'clock one night which made me realize that there is so much more to life than i had recently once thought.
As lonely as it sounds, I've enjoyed a few by-myself nights particularly on the water with rod in hand to ponder about the many things which have been on my mind, and to see if i couldn't snag a feed for the tummy. I actually learnt something new about myself during one session over at fishermens island a few weeks back.
The drive to the mullet hole to grab some bait proved to be much longer than usual which probably had to do with not conversing with anyone on the way there. Nonetheless, once reaching the bait hole, the cast net was hauled through the park to a spot you'ld probably have fun imagining what could happen to you out there.
It wasn't uncommon to think an axe murderer was around with every shake of bush or rattling of metal but going this far, it was either a chance of dying or catching bait for a feed. As you probably would of guessed, I was stupid. From the 10 or so casts of the 20ft,- 3 prawns, 3 mullet and 2 herring were up for a trade for something hopefully bigger. Lactic acid built up everywhere particularly located on my lower back and arms, but the second or so of rest while sitting in the car allowed me to regain everything that I had lost, I mean, I've actually got a chance of hitting something big at the port for once.
Again, the speakers this time though were blarring out much of the rnb mp3 data disk that I had burnt but still, it was a quiet ride to the port. I unloaded my gear, bucket in one hand, two rods in the other and a bag, drapped over my shoulder full of tackle, I was actually surprised that I was that determined to fish that night.
So after setting up my gear, I sat and waited, and ran thoughts through my head. I actually thought about my dad for once and wondered where he was and what he was up to. It's actually kind of ironic me fishing by my lone self considering the many times I had denied going with him back in the day. But as I slowly ran out of things which made me remember the good things about him, I slowly pushed the thought to the back of my mind, with the bad things flowing.
I instantly started to think about how much I loved my mum but was interrupted by a slight jerk in the rod tip which ended up being just the current. Returning to the conversation with myself, I thought a little bit of the dramas that seemed to be occurring around me but they somehow seemed to be swept by with thoughts of the people who actually matter which coincidentally, are those whom I actually matter to.
I apologized a few times to myself and a few other people that night and learnt that no matter how sincere and honest your apology is, there will always be those who understand and those who just understand that its just another word. It's really strange how those that do understand know that an apology isn't just for them but also the person saying it. I apologized to myself for being so harsh when things weren't necessary and being so soft with things that bothered me.
I thought of how stupid little things could make people act so little but realized that it seems some people just need drama in their lives, I love it.
I feel like I'm learning more and more about myself as I sit alone to talk to my mind, there's only so much you can talk to a friend about but then again, the fellas that listened to me could probably say there isn't.
I feel like I've grown......To be continued.
7 lectures, 22 hours remaining....21.59, 21.58, 21.57
"Heal Over" - KT Tunstall
It isn't very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn't take a genius to realise
That sometimes life is hard
It's gonna take time
But you'll just have to wait
You're gonna be fine
But in the meantime
Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday
And I don't wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
Because pain's built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds
Come over here lady
Don't hold on but don't let go
I know it's so hard
You've got to try to trust yourself
I know it's so hard, so hard
Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over, heal over, heal over someday
in the five minutes or so that i have to rest my eyes and grab a drink, and go to the toilet, i've decided to come here. i've decided to give my ears a rest (not that they needed any) and have mr mraz blaring calmly through them (see what i did there?).
as you would of guessed it by now, i am once again on the mission of exam preparation in which the word preparation is used correctly for once. to have any chance of passing my exams at the start of the following week i've actually put my head down and done some decent study. i've been 'forced' although very very un-forcefully (it was more to prove a point) to start playing facebook farmville. with the waiting between planting the seeds and harvesting the fruit, i've been at my books in between, a fair bit actually.
the final two lectures needed to be studied for pharmacotherapys' mid semester doesn't seem too bad. respiratory infections along with a few infections associated with genitalia does in fact prove to be quite interesting, the associated pictures make it a lot more interesting as well.
pharmacogenomics is definitely another story however. i just can't wait to study them; much much sarcasm intended.
other than pharmacy on my mind, all that i can think of is fishing. i actually can't believe how determined i am with studying tonight. my only free night for the week, i've decided to not hit the river and throw a few in but hit the books. how motivating ay.
...people lined the platforms side by side, shoulder to shoulder and filled the smokey air with noises of laughter and voices combining with the sounds of machines just about to start. the computer generated voice over the intercom buzzing, 'the train will be ready to board in 2 minutes' created an immediate panic from all people around. showbags and toys of all sorts gathered and held as people stood up to have some standing chance of a seat on the train.
myself, i was the maniac whom had forgotten all else but to hold on to the amounts of soft plushies i had won and to run for dear life in hope to not miss the train. hearing the computer lady though gave me a feeling comparable to starting a busting piss, relief. as maniac calmed to just being sane i caught a glimpse of what i thought was only fantasy.
her long black hair; similar, her recognizable figure; similar, that top i remember her wearing, all similar, but uncertain with her back towards me. all day she had been on my mind, every second of every minute and every minute of every hour which never really felt much to me but in an instant of insanity she was there, probably, most likely. uncertainty lead to false hopes all day thinking that i'ld bump into her on one of the busiest days of the year, i probably had a better shot at lotto.
but this time it felt different. i had seen her alot at school and whenever i did i shat butterflies. i felt butterflies fluttering inside me and once i noticed it, she was the only other thing i paid attention to. time seemed to slow, slow enough for me to run up and touch her hair and then run back. no noise now was heard other than a repetitive duff duff from underneath me which got louder as the seconds past by...
So in an attempt to get things started, i went through a few of my old lists to find that i had never crossed out clean out the sunroom. it was mainly because i wanted to turn it into a study but because everyones got a room for themselves it wasn't really something anyone 'needed'.
i got the idea from phuccie when he said he would put in a jar a list of things he wanted to buy and in another jar a few bucks every week and would only buy what he could afford on the list with the money he had saved. my jar contains to do things which can be recycled to help occupy myself during times of 'free time'. things from do an hour of study to calling a friend for a chat and one off things such as paint the car can be picked. alright, it was something i did when i should of been studying, hopefully it helps.
molo and i hit up the brissie river in hope for a catch of a school jew for the table but instead hooked this 5 of so kilo ray which dragged me half way across the park to land him. he tasted awesome in a vietnamese vermicilli wrap. (take only what you need).
i sorted out my finances as i was so confused as to where all my money went. hopefully the pig, oversized diet coke can and random tin can will help hold my monies.
la la la la, that is when i, ruled the world.
i've been in a real strange mood these past couple of days i'ld have to admit. i think it's mostly got to do with finding out that i'm turning into an old bastard. i had a good old mate of mine give me an invitation to his 21st a couple of weeks back and only just realized that i wasn't able to take work off for it. to compensate, i flicked through a few of my old photo albums to put something together for him; to remember of the good old days.
pictures of the much younger ly, no facial hair (still as handsome though i'ld have to add) reminded me of memories i'ld give anything to re-live. asking the kind lady at the tuckshop for an icy-pole that cost 20 cents and a bottle of cola for a dollar was probably the first thing that i had thought of. change no doubt is inevitable and i just couldn't imagine how it'd be today knowing that that icy-pole probably costs a dollar and cola bought out by coke now, was probably banned due to the newly discovered health implications it caused to young kids.
why i have never agreed so much with the phrase 'ignorance is bliss'. i reckon the best thing about being a kid is ignorance; you just never have to really worry about anything because you don't know any better. flicking through the photos and finding the ones of the trip to Vietnam when we were yay high reminded me of just how it felt being around family. with grandma sailing away into the horizon, if i were to regret something in my life, it would be that i never got to say good bye to her; i really wonder how i would of felt if it were only a few years back.
i've been reminiscing a little with a few of the guys lately which is probably a reason for this little change in ly. story telling of the many little stories of my happenings seems to entertain the few that listen but like i told them, it's not about the story which makes it entertaining, it's how you tell it. knowing that i'ld probably be able to write a book with all the stories i've got (and exaggerated, made up), it also struck a thought that maybe being older gives me more opportunity to find more stories to tell. taking from the books of phuccie; even a holiday without a story isn't really a holiday we reckon.
on finishing the little project for my mate, i decided that it was time to get back on track. i sorted out my finances and hopefully this sudden motivation will help me restart the path to completing that life list i always talk of,.......the reason for this thing.
it's great to wake up to the little rays of morning sunlight which burns the little hairs on your face. today i was actually looking forward to doing nothing. mind you, i prepared for my monday lecture by sleeping early and printing out notes until i found out that there was no lecture on.
instead of stumbling around like usual, my head felt clear and refreshed; the 8 or so hours of sleep seemed sufficient (even though 8 seems a little bit too much for my liking). i grabbed a feed and decided to educate my cultural side by watching a few movies molo had lent me.
after finishing 7 pounds which was definately as buzzy as everyone was making it out to be, it seemed as though the little annoying birds outside just wouldn't shut-up. but in an instant of thinking that, i was suprised how i actually noticed them. all the chirping and sounds of wings flapping along with the tunes of insects buzzing filled the air. spring indeed seemed to have come early and for just once, (well in a long time anyways) i listened to the sounds of the outside.
on the verandah i stood looking out towards the tree branches from which the sounds were coming from. the backdrop of the browned paddock grass and the sun just setting seemed to relax me. as i approached the stairs the sound of cola's tail hitting the metal wall stopped me. upside down she lay with four legs in the air, she wiggled her body side to side, something she usually did on her own when her dog dreams had finally ceased. her saggy lips drawn down by gravity showed her teeth and as i slowly sat down beside her, she licked me. the warmth of her sun bathed body and the floor boards felt under me represented much of what winter usually means to me.
as it sat there lost within the dark orangy tinge of the sun setting slightly, hands wet from doggy germs and smelling of an unbrushed mouth of many months, the instant smell of freshly cut grass brought me back. what i found a little strange was that it did not bring me to any memories of the past, nostalgia as people would describe it. it seemed as though i'm passed it now where the appreciation of what i have now seems to be what's keeping me smiling today.
i definately cannot say that the past is forgotten, no-one can, but to get to the point where you can appreciate that the past, is no more than the past than well, i guess life only just starts to begin. (unless your that lucky bastard where the past has not left you, yet).
staring at the poster i bought 3 years ago in nzed, lost within it's orangy tinge of sun setting slightly, i no longer reminisc of the time i was so eager, so motivated, so determined-
"it is not the position in which you stand, but the direction in which you look."
it's finally come to the stage where i no longer feel young being 21. it's a little funny how you can see yourself evolve, especially when you try and keep old habits updated while learning new ones.
as the sky darkens to a darker shade of blue, i'll try and sit outside while behind me the sun turns orange and the mossies fly past me and maybe think, because i know i won't be reading my lecture notes in front of me.
so we're back at uni this week and i do apologise for the scarce amount of posts that were supposed to be done during the holidays. the holidays were occupied with much work and fishing and alot of catch up sleep.
alot has happened during these past 5 weeks which has changed my view of life a little bit. even with uni starting last monday, it seems as though i'm still in holiday mode, i guess not keeping your brain active for 5 weeks or so affects some normal functioning. i was supposed to get so much done this week but instead, i choose to do much more of the things i was supposed to get done during the holidays; it's funny how you do little while your free and cram things when your busy? it's a little like uni studying don't you reckon?
although this semester is filled with two subjects, the two hour lectures of both 'endured' last monday and tuesday showed maybe 'two' subjects might of been a good idea this semester. they are absolutely insane to say the least but hopefully with much more time on my hands now i'll be able to actually do good for once.
life as i said feels a little different. it seems as though every day means so much with it ending so quickly. days seem so short especially when the sun rises so late and sets so early. i've started to begin training again and hopefully by this time next year i'll be playing in a rugby team alongside a few old and a few new mates. this last half of the year i've planned to quit some old things and start some new things.
the things, as i've described them, are a little uncertain at the moment but hopefully they associate a new job,...maybe better habits,.....a relationship...? hahaha who knows. plans these days seem a little over rated, a little ironic coming from a follower of to do lists and hard fore planning but maybe during this period of life, things need to be a little more well, unplanned? as uncomfortable as i am feeling without no clear set path of these next couple of months, maybe the plans that i've made which were not completed might need to be overcome before i can move forward?
i'm not quite sure if i should actually finish them or just forget about them but hopefully i'll figure that out soon. there still will be some 'planning' but maybe i won't be as pedantic as usual, i mean, if we don't plan for our future, will that future come?
probably.
slowly as the daylight folds behind the curvature of the sphere or more so indicated by the freezine temps which we've been experiencing, i'm much like a ghost. for the past few weeks, nothing more than waking up late afternoon and then wandering slowly through the campus you'ld see me do.
this semester although the exams are more spread out have been one which has scared me to bits and pushed me to preparing much ahead of time; which i doubt will be much help to me at all.
so a bit happened tonight which made me think a little. it's a pretty cool feeling after finishing a long and hard shift where everyone is keen to leave. between the 7 of us, it must of been a record, closing the place up in the time we did. feeling pretty content, i was ready to go find a feed and talk about awesome times (or just hang stubbornly around 7/11 figuring out what to do)
my mood definately changed after receiving a phone call where i came to realization that not all aspects in my life were perfect. i did the whole putting the problem into a jar and storing it in a cabinet up real high; somewhere where i wouldn't be able to reach unless i made the effort (metaphorically people)....
because i have been pretty slack on updates lately, i've decided to post a few of my past thoughts up (i found them upon my procrastination to post). hope you enjoy them even though they aren't complete post; some i have to be honest don't make much sense but i can't think of how to finish them considering i wrote them so long ago.
have fun and stay warm, winter is awesome.
