nothing special

Mrs Brown by ~Krolewnasimieszka
http://krolewnasmieszka.deviantart.com/art/Mrs-Brown-98473176

i'm like the moth, a prey for birds, but your the bark which camoflauges' me...

i'm like the kite which flaps hesitantly during my beginning, but your the wind which carries me high...

i'm like the heatwave on a hot summers day, but your the icy cold drink of softy...

i'm like storm clouds which drape the skies in black, but your the sunshine which peaks through them...

i'm like gin, and your my tonic...

the beginning of angus and julia stones' show at the tivoli, brisbane

my favourite j-mraz song at the moment; you and i both

couldn't find a better version of this song. it's simple starving to be safe by daphne loves derby. reminds me of last years summer holidays along the river fishing.

in approximately half a day or so i will begin my last shift at the calamvale. two days from now, i will end my time with security and continue on with my dreams; dreams of being able to sleep early (not that early) on a friday night and wake up early on a saturday morning to drive through saturday morning traffic, and breathe the saturday morning air (it's different). dreams of being able to go fishing on a saturday night and come back late on a sunday morning. dreams of being able to not worry about what next week will bring, or the following weeks for that matter if a big bald islander were dragged out for some particular reason.

but i think the most important dream i've had for a very long time is that i will be free. free from the many burdens of emotional intoxicated people, free from vomit, and spit, and spilt alcohol, and cigarette smoke, staining my clothes; and free from being accustomed to it all. free from the thoughts of bad behavioured patrons and their hurtful words. free from the physical pain of punches, kicks, bites and bottles.

in a second, i would do it all again, but not now.

as i sit quietly beneath the coffee table and proped against the sweat stained, toe jammed couch, and next to cola whom is attempting to sleep while my foot rubs against her underside, i feel a slight sense of very very minimal loneliness. may it be the house is empty with mum away yet again, or the younger one away making memories with friends at dinner, or may it be that in every direction i look, or rather, more or less every channel that i switch too, has some kind of reference to well, a relationship (the one between a male and a female if you didn't catch my drift).

i dunno what it is really. i rarely ever feel lonely, well in that sense anyway. but it's just strange that even on a show which has nothing to do with relationships, and the particular segment i was watching being about butterflies, i've somehow managed to find some reference in it which i've used to blame the way its made me feel. on getaway, they described of Morelia, a capital city of a state in mexico, where in autumn, 250 million monarch butterflies migrate from canada to hibernate and mate. with the life span of a particular butterfly ranging between 6 - 8 weeks, the trip takes 5 generations. and as well as it's strange to know that all these butterflies every year and at the same time decide to migrate to mexico and mate, it's kind of beautiful in my opinion. after mating, the female leaves while the male, too exhausted, drops to the forest floor and dies.

a moccona ad on channel 7 makes me feel a little strange as well. a dude walks around trying to find a coffee glass which can fit his lid. but you know what, after thinking about this a bit during this blog, i've sort of realised that it doesn't really matter anyway. it's not like it's bothering me too much, just a little sense i had which has probably dissapeared by now anyways.

maybe what's most important are the people around you, those friends who are with you 24/7, those who are with you when you feel lonely. maybe i'm not soo lonely after all. i wasn't too sure about it anyways. i need a shower.

it was just really hard having to cope with the fact that mum, through thick and thin is always trying to support the family with all her heart. it's a good hour and a half to where she works up north and every few weeks, there are only a few days where she has time to come back, sort out the house and the bills that are due.

it did make me pretty upset when she left that wednesday morning. since then though, i've tried even harder to make the house-work. i guess running your own household to its capacity is pretty much like a second job. you've always gotta be on your game, and aware of what's going on. it's become kind of second nature actually which is pretty cool as with previous early attempts to sort out laundry and scrub dishes and the like, taking many dreadful hours, these days, a mere half or so would be enough to do alot.

i've had a bit of time to clean up many things in my life. the gyming martin and i have been keeping with has released soo much stress as well as improving our friendship. but other than physical and nutritional improvements, i've tried tp follow the being happy secrets article on http://www.lifeoptimizer.org/ in which i've attempted to improve a few of my relationships with others. as a quote from the site states:

Life’s truest happiness is found in friendships we make along the way.

i've realised that within the past couple of months or so, alot of my relationships whether it be at work or personal have been more or less on autopilot. there are many peaks and depressions may the relationship be plotted against time of year but upon a developmental state, it still seems to have plateaued. we started to restart our bonding time again which was awesome; there's always a few hours of lazing around staring at the skies and talking about what makes you happy or unhappy. the topic of what we'll do as christmas comes round is always a good one to talk about. it's been a good couple of weeks.

i'm to quit security this friday and although as ecstatic and eager i may have felt since i've let my boss know, there's alot of dissapointment and regret lingering in the air. i honestly have had enough of the job at the moment. i definately won't miss dealing with rude bad behavioured intoxicated patrons but i do miss the bonds i've made with the few who share the same passion for work and friendship. there aren't any jobs in the world where relationships aren't built but with security, the bonds you share are much like family; as close as brothers are to be. as corny as it seems to use the word love, there definately is nothing that can be used to describe these relationships. there's always someone who looks out for you, watches your back and comes to assistance when shit hits the fan. there's always someone who will risk their life to save yours. when shit does hit the fan and we've all been raughted by the managers though, we all sit down with one another and laugh, and converse and sometimes boasting of the battle scars we had incurred. i definately will miss my family at the calamvale and alex hills but there is always the future, the one where someday we will all enjoy it together.

i feel pretty content with life at the moment. i love these days where the sun is blazing and the wind blows through dust covered blinds.....

yessss, so since my last post, i've suffered a little from pre-exam depression where everything just seemed to be a little dull to say the least. i crammed pretty hard last week and not being 100% from that bloody flu i got left me pretty down physically as well as mentally.

but im not too bad at the moment though, probably a bit more on the good if i could say. i'm on my last piece of assessment for the mid semester and although i'm a little bit behind on schedule, i'm coping, which i guess is the most important thing.

i'm still trying to piece together why last week was just soo hard. there are a few things which i've come up with which might of contributed to the un-awesomeness i was experiencing.

it was really strange when mum finally came back from up north. instead of missing her being away, i actually missed her more when she came back. wednesday morning while cramming for my pharmacokinetics exam (which was hell to say the very very least), i had found out that mum, having been back for only 2 nights and while down here, contracting the flu from all of us, decided to go back up because it was apparently getting really busy......

ya know what, although i've had a bit too much, more than the legal limit to do much, e.g. drive or operate any machinery i'm still as straight as a nail. i'm actually here to vent a little. i'm just a little shitty at all the dramas that's going on. alot involves me but ya know what, i've gotten to a stage where i really couldn't give a rats arse ay. unless they are the people very very close to me who genuinely care, i really can't be stuffed ay.

people just have to grow up i reckon. what are we...bloody 5 still? i truthfully don't think people our age should take much to heart, i mean, what, if you get upset over something little, what chance do you have in the real word. seriously, i know definately, i'm not as straight as i think but i seriously still think my words are true.

everyone just needs to chill out and look at the bigger picture. there's always going to be drama, misunderstandings and well ya know what, lifes just like that; you've just gotta see past it and live life. these past few weeks have been pretty hectic for me what, along with uni and work work work, i've also got personal shit that's lingering around. as much effort i put into it, i can't seem to get a grasp of how less important it really is. ya know, with everything, i still enjoy the chill out over at the msquare and the odd few hours of dota and cod with the few i really do love.

everyweek the few that are always there make living worthwhile. trust me, the late arvos kicking the ball around and the late nights over at ms and little hong kong mean a hell of alot to me. as much as it seems i'm blabbing, i am gratefull.

hopefully after this week i will be able to concentrate on my studies and to be honest, i seriously can't be stuffed with dramas. i've tried and too many times i've been brushed off. life is more than that.

enjoy the week, enjoy the night, enjoy the hour because those last hours of happiness you got from me are no longer existent to me. if life happens to bring us together again let it be, we will create new memories. if not, i guess it's bad luck, be it wrong, i am the friend you need.

well since i've pretty much outspoken my need to study harder and to stop cramming for exams, i'm just gonna let you know i am, yet again, upon my early hours of a study cram. there's only 3 lectures this time and honestly i can't believe how much we've done already.

it's been what...5 weeks (well alright it's pretty much nearly half way through the semester) but it's not the all "don't worry, it's all cruisy first couple of weeks before we settle in"; it's more like, needing to shit when you have the runs, it would be good to at least have some type of warning.

but i guess all is good considering the 5 weeks have gone by with a flash; the next few should be gone in no time and again, i will be sitting here, blogging about how i should of studied ahead of time and gone to my lectures.

ohh well, i enjoy these nights where i can reflect in my break time. i like being busy.

i hate it when i youtube for new music and find stuff i can relate to; i end up listening to the bloody thing for days until im completely sick of it. i can't really pinpoint the exact thing that gets me all happy and cheery whenever i listen to this song as there are too many things which it reminds me of. probably most notable are the times around highschool ending, the 3 or so months of completely nothingness where we didn't have to worry about a single thing...because we didn't have to. no troubles with schooling because what we had dreaded had ended and what was to begin hadn't started.

family and friends enjoyed the happiness surrounding christmas holidays, even being unemployed wasn't a worry because we knew it was only a small portion of our lives where we were allowed to be broke; well, with thoughts of continuing apprenticeships, university and tafe degrees and the big bucks associated with the completion of them.

it reminds me of the late summer days where we would all walk exhausted along the gold coast beaches and those cold winter nights spent at kangaroo point.

i miss the good old days ay.

not really....with all my might and restraint unable to keep me away from this place, i've decided to give another post....just one more...

i'm on my stride towards being 100% again. the bloody phluuu has got me for the first time this year but i guess with it battling with an imune system of an ox, i've manage to limit my downtime to only, at most, a day and a half. i guess alot of it was to do with my resting and taking things easy as well as smashing very occasional comfort foods, a cure many of you people know but don't have "time" to do. there definately isn't any drug that can get rid of the bastard but the odd codeine can put even the biggest ugly to sleep.

my two or so days although has left me pretty much behind in absolutely everything in uni (it's gonna be bloody hard to catch up i'll tell you that; it's only the first week as well), it doesn't seem as disastrous considering that i'm pretty much back to normal and i haven't spread the evil to others which could of made them tired, and then drowsy because of the all the drugs they would of been taking and because they aren't lazy arses like me, they would of travelled to uni and quite possibly spread their sickness to the driver of the many buses and well...u get the jist....the bus driver goes to work sick, not paying attention and smashes into an incoming barrier and everyone dies......

i'm awesome. i'm never posting again....never.

i sit in a room filled with smells of memories. despite the warmth of the suns rays upon it's presence, the coldness of past tragedies embed itself within these walls.

curiosity tempts me to discover although much hesitation is felt upon knowing what i might find. a bag in drawer three stops me. i pull out bits of my life; the only evidence of what had existed and watch, through off coloured lenses of the past. i feel chills as i begin to wonder of the memories which could have been......

everyday i try and live life right although sometimes it just doesn't seem like thats enough. in no position am i to say i've lived life with no regrets but, well maybe lifes just like that.

i wish you all the very best in life, goal X: - to return here and post someday...when life seems a little bit more awesome.

....life is like a pizza. when it's good its awesome, when it's bad, it's still pretty good.

she shits me off ay...i hate people who have to "win" every argument to satisfy their egotistical selves. its ok, if having the last word can give them the joy and wonder they so desperately need, they can have it.

i'll just ponder silently in my room for a few moments wondering why i was being so childish and go continue to youtube the countless hours of the classic power rangers and their awesome fighting capabilities. you see, it is i whom has won, ly = 1, you = zeeerrro.

so today i'm actually pretty happy ay. my final spark of joyfullness is still lasting since sunday arvo where i found out not only did i pass what i had thought to be the end of graduating uni anytime soon, i did a little bit better, well alot better than what i had thought anyways.

this post was continuted from monday which pretty much sums up just how slack i've been since then. we go back to uni in just a little bit over a week and i can't believe just how quickly the past week and a half has gone by. i guess sleeping at 5 every morning and having it consume pretty much the whole day doesn't really help either but it's been good.

it rained for two days two days ago and since yesterday, it's all cleared up and become insanely cold outside with the dry wind blowing hard. i love it ay. i love freezing cold fine weather. reminds me soo much of the old days of rugby out at southbank where we would kick the ball around till late night and freeze our legs off.

i swung by to pick marius up thursday last week and forgot how massive the cnt is. he's over at springfield lakes now so it's not soo much of a trek compared to last time. it was awesome seeing him again. he shared stories of dent placements where he was able to do fillings on patients and how its soo easy to fuk up. we had lunch over at the quail place in inala and then played smashed till the sun set. decided to all go see hancock which in the end was pretty ordinary; nothing compared to i am legend, which i've still go to go and borrow out.

actually, that's exactly what i remember i needed to do.

my to do list for the holidays:

grab the iphone and change phone plan
make herb garden
do taxes
reapply for cl
print out uni timetable
buy uni books
clean up room
clean car
mow the lawn
burn all of arrested development
grab family guy off of nick
grab futurama off of trung
grab how i met your mother from nick
do the laundry
re-write up gym routine
borrow movies out from video ezy
give cola a bath
clean fish tank
clean up middle room
fix all tap washers
go tailor fishing
go tailor fishing once more
go fishing with phuc
get car serviced
buy a new ironing board
cont....

so now it's 7:04 on a saturday two weeks from my last post. finished with exams last tuesday tho it seems much much longer since then. hopefully my thought of having to repeat all my papers this semester doesn't come true (i really really hope it doesn't).

i can't really quite remember what i was supposed to blog about but i think it had something to do with the concert i went to the week before my last post. the feeling is quite hard to describe in fact. having to start listening to their stuff again just now, i can actually remember the exact experience i had though. awesomenesssss. nah i don't know really ay. maybe it's just the feeling of freedom now that exams are over and that i can actually have time to lie on my couch and think about all the things i felt like thinking about during exams; like ummm...green tea and ....different ways to scare my dog. i love it how we have a good couple of days a week for three weeks to just do absolutely nothing, well be able to choose if we do absolutely nothing or something. the sunday, monday and thursdays between work for these three weeks are my free days.

i get to wake up late, eat whatever i want to and choose to do absolutely nothing (because i reckon i deserve it). hahahaha but it hasn't been all that tho. we've all probably gotten broke from the endless hours of dota and COD4 "endured" this week although we've all agreeed that we might as well get it over and done with because we'll just end up playing anyway. market squaring has been good with the new little hong kong opening up; they have awesome duck btw. and that's probably about it really. we saw a movie the other day (hancock) but that's pretty much all we do everyday. wake up, eat, figure out whose gonna come and play games....and then rock up home, sleep and do the same thing the next day. i love it ay.

i haven't gymed in a while but we've kept up our cardio by playing ball and i punch the bag every few days or so. we got new security gear as well ay. the merger that happend tuesday, the start of the new financial year got us new uniforms, a new name and that's probably bout all that's different. doesn't really bother me too much ay, but ild much rather our old logo and name...QHSS just flows a bit better than BEST security don't ya think?

but yeah, i dunno that's what i mean ay....it's good being able to talk about absolutely anything and think about things other than worrying about how unis gonna be or which lecture i should go to or that i have to go to work because i'll run out of money to pay for stuff. it's weird, i'm alot more broke now than i was during uni but it doesn't bother me. i mean i still need to work for finances but maybe without the stress of uni, everything else just seems to be more of a pea than a watermelon.

hahaha, these guys imo capture this in their music. have a listen.



cruisy ayyyy?

i sh*t you not, i've never had something so little change my life in soo many ways. an experience which lasted no more than 2 hours or so has allowed me to stop, think and recap life so far. angus and julia stone, an indie band from perth gave me this experience but there is much which led up to this event; i'll talk about it below. if jancie ever reads this, she will probably agree that they definately rocked but maybe not so life changing for her...hahaha.

it's always good to come out of an exam confident that you passed. the week or so preparation for pharmacology over in r block at qut is definately a contributor to how i performed thursday morning. taking work off last week, i was able to summon all my time into finally understand the concepts of the topic and remembering pretty much word for word of drug uses, there pharmacologicial effects and contraindications. i now regret not going to lectures, the topics i learned from scratch is pretty damn interesting; a note for future semesters?

janice, ricky and my little sister helped keep the whole group study environment a very efficient and productive experience (most times) which was pretty good. i bet most of us benifited from it. having stayed up till about 4 each morning after returning home from uni, i decided that it would be wise to tire myself out for the day before my exam so i would be able to attend refreshed and not sleep deprived; well i guess i earnt it, this exam was actually studied for, not crammed. instead, having not slept the entire day, my body just didn't want to adapt to sleeping so early. i woke an hour after my planned 1:30 bed-time when cola, awaked by my msg tone (mind you it's of michael jackson screaming), where as a natural house defender, looked for michael jackson whom was apparently in the kitchen. calming her down and fully awake now, i sat beside the lamp in my lounge room and went through the entire notes, word for word several times until the sun rose.

it's good after reading an exam paper in perussal with more knowledge than what was actually on the exam paper (hopefuly my performance can correspond to my boastfulness). hahaha, by half way (the exam was 3 hours in length), i just felt like taking a break, my stomach was rumbling, the hit of jolt i skulled beforehand was wearing off and my concentration had pretty much deminished. looking around the room, it was suprising that absolutely no-one had left early. i gathered all my super saiyan strength and completed the exam before the 15 minute cut off for students to leave and smashed it home (dropped by garbo with paullie to buy some chocos for co/, it was her b'day today).

lying on the coach now and trying to persuade my little sis that it was her shout for kfc (man, all i wanted was something juicy and oily in my tummy, i deserved it), i received an unexpected call from miss unmasked. she needed company so we chilled for a while over near her place in her car (bloooody holdens!). it was great catching up with her and it made me realised that sometimes when life is great for one person, it can be the worst time for others; everyones gotta trade tho, what fun is it when lifes alll good, "all" the time?

the restaurant apparently needed help so smashing it home to pick up my little sis, i smashed it again over to the restaurant where co/ just wanted all of us to have a gathering. khai, co/, cassie, tn, martin, my little sis and i all gathered around table 6 where we shared dip trio and garlic bread (actually cassie the smelly face didn't share wif us). its strange having everyone there, it felt more like having family there; i guess we are kiind of a family now.

i need to run....

and i even had a fella help me evict some crazy angry old dude. it was a pretty cruisy laxed out night which ended with me driving home in the freezing cold.

i fell alseeep in front of scrubs again and awoke a few hours later. there was a dinner organised for sunday night and i was pretty pumped to finally be free of anything, especially worries, as well as catching up with the few whom were awesomely important to me; remember when i said i missed everyone, even after seeing the few on friday, two days before, i still missed them heaps. after lazing around for another 20 or so, evan rang and wished me my first (verbal) unofficial happy b'day (ray sent me the first *unofficial*, sms the night before) but as well as that, he was heading over to trungs for some pong and he wanted to invite the spin master to join him. i agreed and showed up two hours later after having a slight feed and failing to wash my car seeing that cars were lined up double behind carwash spaces.

it was awesome seeing trung and evan and although i had seen them only a week or so back, it felt as if it were years. nick apppeared out of nowhere and the start of our reunion started there. back in the day stories of our high school crushes and funny topics where trung would always answer with references to tits and ass filled the air with warm nostalgic memories which made tears of laughter, the best kind. finally gaining the power to all leave the table of unimaginable attraction, waiting for trung to get ready, evan, myself and nick waited outside counting the number of times the viet fellas across the road would swear in one sentence.

we headed over my place where i had a quick shower and got ready for dinner. ross, tien and cassie rocked up which was awesome and again, the feeling of a lost puppy finding his owner was felt. tien and cassie gave us an awesome card with a mad gorilla on the front of it and a necklace charm which is awesome! i'm wearing it now atm, its to match the gorillaness everyone apparently associates me with. hahaha, we headed over to oiishii...having being 10 minutes late already, finding parking served to make us arrive at quarter to 7. walking into the restaurant, i was shocked to have seen the beautiful janice, sitting in the middle of the table with a big massive smile on her face and surrounding her, people whom i could of only imagined of being there. sitting there on the seat janice had saved me and waiting, the anticipation of who would come and tap me on the shoulder and wish me happy birthday was something i hadn't experienced in a loong long time, too long for me to even remember.

greets were all through tight handshakes followed by hugs which never meant soo much more meaningful. we all sassed massive amounts of sushi which was delicious and i bet the bill of 20 or so of us would of been quite delicious for the owner as well. old old memories were also resurfaced when i opened janices box to find contained a brand new viewmaster and a stack of cartidges. especially after having a good long chat with her a few weeks back of all those memories which made you smile when your a kid, janice's view master will have to go down as one of the best gifts i've ever received. bondy lifted up a massive box from under the table wrapped in pretty paper which worded "just married". destroying the wrapping paper, the words wii followed by guitar hero made me re-check whether i had read correctly. it was a massive pack with twin guitars; i can't wait for all those all nighters were gonna have with the singstar and buzz crew. it was an awesome pressieeeeee.

after everyone refusing to take my share for the feed, we all headed over to pool at sunnypark and futher headed to southbank qpac after finding that pool was full packed with people with no free tables. by now, a good half of the original 20 were left and we kicked rugby and soccer balls around, like the good old days. we were met by grogen later whom was very different from an hour or so before we had all seen him. he somehow managed to grow a beard and get completely smashed, it was actually some drunk redheaded bum who wanted to play ball with us. phuccie legged it first and we followed 20 minutes later and decided to chill over at our kangaroo point spot.

we took a million photos and it is probably about now where i feel most sad. i said to nick just before, that from all thats happened since a year back up until now, it all seems as though it only takes one day, a day like today, to make all those hard days and nights all worth it. being at the happiest point in my life since a long long time back, the saddness arose from the reasons why i was happy. being there, by my side, the best bunch of people i'll ever meet in my life, sharing memories which binds us so close, nothing can be strong enough to break it. saddened by the fact that old memories will never again be relived, and the thought that with every year passing, and every age growing, the inevitable stretching of those bonds will definately start to show, i know although that's the natural bitch of life, nothing much will be different other than the soon to be wrinkles and saggy skin on the exterior.

i'm much grateful for the nz boys' call this morning which gave me much more than a slight skip in my step. i'm grateful for the warmth of that yum cha that filled my stomach for brekky, the company i had just before class started, the care you gave me with that awesome hoodie with just winter around the corner, the messages of b'day greets both through sms's, phonecalls and facebook. i'm grateful for having you find time to travel long and far to give me something which touched my soul. thank you....

thank you is only the least i can say to describe how grateful i am to have you all as friends.

alright, although it's today where i reach that happy 2-0 number, the events leading up to today are solely responsible for just how awesomely happy i feel. with exams finally ending saturday morning, my high carried on within my sleep where i got a good few in front of the tv with cola by my side. she woke me up like usual, around 4:30 where she always wants to play. after shooing her away, i woke a half later when i realized that i had work and was hoping that it hadn't overslept. waking up seeing that it was 6 on the dot, i felt as though someone above was looking after me as it was exactly time for simpsons. having a teeth brushing, i sat back infront of the tv snugged and enjoyed my first feeel of freedomness since a good few weeks back.

justine popped by an hour or so later which was pretty cool. we got to hang out and catch up, something we haven't done in aaaagges, it was awesome. she wouldn't let me show her my awesome dog party trick but i guess there's always next time. hahaha, after having dinner, rick popped by and we all just youtubed for a bit before having to get ready and head to work.

work at the alex was pretty cool. i was actually looking forward to it especially when i hadn't worked all week. scanner duties were performed first until the super wanted me downstairs to look after the public bar. all things came back to me which reminded me of why i hated that place soo much but i guess the only thing that made it different tonight was probably just how polite everyone was, handshakes and nodds of greet were met in many directions....TBC

my tolerance for caffeine has probably increased from 100mgs to a 250mg dosage; equivalent to my 3 cans of redbull and the no-doz i just popped (i re-read the label from the thai redbulls and they're only able to produce 50mg per serve which isn't tooo flash). but i'm actually feeling alright though ay. the first lecture for physiology was pretty cruisy, especially when most of it was assessed last year in cellular molec but still, there leaves three more to go.

taking a break from study for a little while longer, i just came back from outside to get some much needed fresh air. it's soo stuffy inside here but it's much too cold to open any windows; i'll probably go and open the door in the kitchen just to get some air in here. it was good standing there on the back verandah, hands leaning on the rails which guide down the stairs, watching the moon shine brightly behind a cloudy sky, the slight breeze making my right cheek slightly colder than my left. it felt much like the experience i got from that meditation thing i talked about last night, where your in complete calmness. something i wanted to share.

buble's playing in the background from youtube and as much as it makes me want to jump around the lounge room and sing rockstarringly his lyrics, the orange laboratory manual for medical physiology seems to beam it's mesmerizing powers onto me, penetrating and controlling my own thoughts, i must study, i must study now.

so here we are, at the end of this journey, well the beginning of the final end anyways. got back an hour or so from my break i had with janice, bondy and ray where we met up at sunnybank to have a feed and catch up. it was awesome, having slept for about 5 hours after that exam this morning (which went pretty alright), the most slept i have had in about 5 days, served awesome refreshnesssss.

so day 4 has come, in about 9 hours i'll have an exam that i'm gonna probably fail if i don't start cramming as hard as i can for the last few lectures. i reckon i just got the equivalent of about an hours sleep just then. i felt that i needed to have an hours rest so i decided to use it for sleep. my alarm was set for 12:30 and after tossing and turning in the lounge room i found myself relocated to the middle room of the house, our little study room we made. a 20 flew by and i was still unable to find any speck of sleep so i decided to do what i always do in times of sleep searching...turning to an attempt at meditation; people do say that meditation is high up there for methods of relaxation and you only need a few minutes of it as well.

hands flat facing down beside me, i lied on my back and closed my eyes. i concentrated on my toes first and tensed them as hard as i could and relaxed. i moved up until my eyebrows were the only thing left to be tensed and i did it all over again. a sense of total physical calmness was felt to prepare for the unwinding of the mind. i thought of all i could that was bothering me and assessed each situation and in my mind physically set it aside acknowledging that this is a problem in my life though i will deal with it later. after the last problem was acknowledged, i gathered (in my mind it seemed like each problem was represented by a piece of paper) and put them all into a glass vase enclosed by a large cork stopper. i thought of a place i could store the vase, somewhere i would never remember unless i started looking (i guess symbolizing once you prioritize problems, you only find them when you need to deal with them). i felt completely control yet out of control in a rather unconscious state of well being.

it proved good use, i'm back to cramming my lecture on NSAIDS, Antihistamines and Drug Metabolism...wish me luck!

day 3 of my mid semester cram today and i'm able to cross off maths for ever! i reckon that although last nights cram did serve good purpose, the cheat sheet i created would of even allowed a primary school student to pass. i feel bad now but that's one thing over and done with especially when most of my worries stemed from maths. that's definately one lesson i learnt, don't be complacent ay, i remember my environmental studies lecturer always telling us that. i was depending way too much on previous studies ay. in the end i guess you get what you deserve ay, nothing less and certainly nothing more.

my little sleep i had after the exam made me feel a little groggy especially after the massive meal i had before it. i'm definately gonna try and calm down on the caffeine and eat a bit more reguarly though ay, i feel a slight uncomfortablness in my gut, hopefully i haven't developed some mild stomach ulcer. pharmacology will be top priority today even though it's only 20% compared to physiology. there's just so much to learn for pharm ay, and knowing from the past quizzes, the marks aren't too easy to come by either.

i saw justine today. it was the first ever time i had seen her coming from uni on the goodwill. as a matter of fact, it was probably the first ever time i had seen her at uni. had a little chat there on the middle of the bridge where we both complained about how much uni sucks while dodging bikes as they were hoooning past us (told ya we should of kept to the left). seeing her actually made me miss everyone. locked away in this cave of mine, the only real contact i've made with anyone would of been seeing phuccie and rick for that minute half or so hours. without myspace and my phone, i would of probably been rumoured rotting somewhere in a lake, but even with it, i'm limited to only the few who use that type of communication anyway; janice, tn, cassie. hahaha. but sometimes i like it, especially when you so reguarly see a person and you start to lose the effort in keeping in contact with them. its good to get that message or phone call from someone you haven't talked to in ages and i reckon the sender feels just as happy.

i'm listening to a bit of oldschool lifehouse at the mo cause my horoscope reckons listening to music today will make me enjoy it much more. as a matter of fact, i do actually enjoy it alot more than i usually do. maybe it's because all i've been doing today is hitting the books pretty hard and haven't really found proper time to wind down.

i haven't youtubed hardly as much as i have been, and with the redbull i had this morning the wings it actually gave, carried me above my books all day; i'm being carried by two sets of wings atm. i had dinner with mum today which was pretty cool. i'm not quite sure of the last time we did but today just felt pretty special really ay. we reminisced of the good old days and comforted each other for the future that's to come. it's really tight at the moment, especially with sewing season for shirts slowly coming to a halt and having exams just round the corner, like i've complained before, it's gonna hurt real bad in the few weeks to come.

mum always said stick to it and i've always followed that philosophy. i always dream that tomorrow, from some kind of fate, i'll buy that first ever lottery ticket and win. i could think of a million ways to spend the money but i guess when reality finally catches up to me, would having the money even change a thing? i know i'm a bit over myself, having you know i'm probably the poorest dude out there at the moment but truthfully, other than having the weekly bills paid for what say, a few years, would it really help me and give me the opportunity to concentrate on building myself to become who i ultimately want to be?

sometimes i wish i were in hardships from the start of my life. nothing can be a true lesson unless it bores your mental mind and destroys you physically. something you work long and hard for and come so desperately close to failure everytime. something which puts you in a state of mind everyday of your living life, where succeeding is only comfronted by another opportunity to fail, that, solely is a lesson i'ld rather be taught. i'm not quite sure even if i had all i wanted at the moment that i would be completely satisfied.

so a few hours later, i sit warm and snuggled in the lounge room with a hot cup of milo in my hands. i'm watching futurama now and it seems like both the cold and flu tablets and the thailand red bull i had prior, have pretty much metabolised and are preparing for excretion. the bodies slowly losing it's battle against gravity and the mind wanders much but mostly between whether i'll be able to survive another few days of this or if i fail anything this week i'm stuffed.

i think sleep is probably what i'll do next though only probably after a half or so of more mind wandering, some of which i'll be able to express through this post. i always try to do that though. after a long nights study, its always good to end your night by doing something absolutely non releated to what you had learnt. as well as letting you de-stress a little and keep your mind sharp (i reckon i'ld go more crazy if equations and drug symptoms where going through my mind 24/7) it helps you relax i guess, well i read it somewhere on a forum about sleep.

man, have i gotten that crazy. crazy enough to do an internet search on how to get better sleep. sometimes i really wonder ay, about everything ay. i remember someone telling that the difference between an insane person and a sane person is that they dont' question whether or not they insane. i really hope that's true ay and not the other way around cause i always think i'im going a little loopy. waking life is probably one of my favourite movies and it scares the shit out of me every night i go for those long drives. i've posted before somewhere about being alive when asleep and to comfort myself by making sure i'm alive, i check a clock and make sure it changes. i think just that gives me 'some' reason to think that i've lost it a bit but maybe everyones a little bit like that.

whoa, i really do apoligize for where this rant ended up, i guess when your mind wanders, you really can lose yourself in your thoughts. i'll keep this post to compare myself after the holidays, hopefully my posts don't resemble anything like this one or else i'll definately know that i'm going crazy.

maths was on the agenda today and i've only managed to get through the first lecture before yet again, getting interupted. it was a good interuption though, the sleep served a pretty good 5 hours of rest which i'm really quite unsure how i managed to get. after brushing my teeth for the second time in the day, i continued to work through the dreadful pages of function explanations, limits and continuities which ripped my brain apart with boredom (half the stuff can just be plotted and figured out that way, i don't need the explanations to be honest). hahaha, after a goood shower and a half of tele, i jumped back onto the maths to finish a few questions.

i found myself in the car driving, on my way to sunnybank where i promised to meet up with phuccie and rick for a late night feed over at the sushi train there. it was actually half decent especially since it was 9 but that's probably where the only decent thing in my day began and finished. after having the sniffles for a few hours before, it seemed as though my slight interaction with the outside world has given me the curse of the sneezing plague where i continuously sneezed from outside market square to probably about a few minutes back (i've found that not breathing helps). hopefully the shot of codeine, paracetomol and pseudoephidrine (my pharmacy peers can feel proud for picking out the spelling mistakes) will help rid me of this unbearable pain (slight annoyance).

in getting sick of maths, i've decided to concentrate on studying my pharmacology which has proved to settle my flu to a slight sneeze every few minutes, maybe it's the thought of pharmacology that calms me, maybe a new remedy?

coming to conclusion, i believe that as my symptoms for the flu have resided due to an increase in interaction between student (myself) and pharmocology notes, the use of pharmocology notes can be used to treat symptoms of flu caused by flu symptom stimuli such as maths and the stress brought upon by the inability to study during the semester resulting in cramming of notes a few days before exams.

i think my drugs are talking.

continuing my little rant after coming back from a bit of study, why is it that people (me) cannot commit to a simple few hours of study. i'm not quite sure what's wrong with me but the few hours since my last post, after finishing my physiology catch up, i decided to take a little break and open up my biochem prac book and finish the prac i just completed today which is due next monday. why is it that something (prac) which i would not even start to touch until the day before it's due can be a substitute for much needed study revision for my exams in the next few days. kind of reminds me of that simpsons episode where bart would rather do algebra than start writing about his history paper.





nonetheless, i guess doing my biochem and getting it out of the way gives me more opportunity to work on other study and not havomg to worry about it later on; i reckon i'll be stoked as hit sunday when i realise that i've already completed the prac. my exams start thursday and end on saturday morning, yay. i've still to touch maths, which i'll probably glance over in the next few minutes after this post and pharmacology is really starting to shit me off; not that it's boring or anything, there's just so much workload.



having the next two days off uni is pretty cool though, i reckon i'll have a read around on maths now and start revising for it tomrorow morning doing some questions. i'll probably hit up physiology and have a good read of pharmacology while i'm at it. by wednesday i'll hopefully would of done most of my maths and be able to revise it for my exam. thursday i'll finish off pharmacology and friday night i guess without work i'll be able to study physiology....hopefully it all works out.

waking up just an hour or so back, i've realized that it's that time of the year again where people hide away in their little caves and cram for those finals, wait a minute....

if my mind isn't play tricks on me, to my calculations, it's only probably about april? man, i'm absolutely going crazy with these exams ay, and i don't reckon i'm alone. this 2nd/ 3rrd year of uni definately linearly correlates with stress and difficultly levels ay. i just can't wait till this weeks over so i can go and fish my brains out. i've taken work for both jobs off this week (i'm not quite sure how i'm gonna survive in a few weeks though because of the drop income) but i'm not gonna waste another year with a possiblity of failure in some homogay subject i could of passed if it weren't for work. no chances taken this year ay.

on another thought though, i think the pass happenings at work probably gives me much reason to take a break anyway. none the less, it's in the past, and i guess you ought to expect something of such a degree in this type of industry anyway, don't ya? but it does make you think when high testosterone ridden males have a need to express their egotistical selves to people they think that care in the form of violence which, other than abling to show it in some kind of heroic way, needs a dozen or so more testosterone filled males to "assist" in a cowardly attack on other males of similar feats. You see, the positive feedback loop begins and this my friend, will be hard to stop.

you can get used to having something
you can get used to having that something lost

can you get used to having that lost something back?


strange yeah?

now that that thing is over (tthat shocking attempt of a break we had), it's all back to the worrying and dreadful thought of getting back into it all. the holidays served nothing more than 3 at the most days of freedom, where we ate, pooled and dotaaaadded. i suprised my sister when she found out that even on the holidays i still had work 4 days a week but knowing me, i bet she thought it a gift (i would of probably sat on my arse doing nothing anyway).

these days without uni did serve some purpose, a purpose i only attempted to achieve yeseterday night at about 12 where i gathered all my notes and assignments and crammmmed. the end result led to falling asleep in front of the telly watching family guy. i'm gonna definately stop it ay. not just the fact that cramming when you've got absolutely all the time in the world to work on it but leaving the telly on.

earth hour 2008 which started at 8 o'clock saturday night made me way more appreciative on what we've got for granted. wandering the halls of my house holding a wax dripping candle showed just how.....

i'm always there for you, no matter what; sometimes you've got to do what's right, not what's best for you. stay true.

i'm sad today and im not quite sure why. i'm in one of these moods where the world seems to spin right around my stationary self. it feels as though so much is happening around me that it's gonna take me ages to catch up to it. holidays have pretty much pasted now although they're soo short it doesn't really seem like we're in any kind of break anyway. thursdays today, which leaves me absolutely no other day to do anything i had planned at the start of the break, then again, i've been working pretty hard these past couple of day s.

restaurant has been fairly busy, and i guess i've done my satisfactory hours in fishing. i'm still to put a line in the water tho as fishing these holidays have consisted only by cast net. the place myself and paullie found has been nicknamed the mullet hole as that's pretty much alll you catch there. it's a very peacefull place, taking phuccie up there one arvo, we all sat on the abandoned jetty, the one where you reach after climbing around a fence and walking down an unstable as ramp.

sitting there, soaking wet, waiting for the fish to come back, gave me a sense of peacefulness, if that can be used to describe it. the suns just setting, where the sky gets all cool coloured, and you get that friday arvo feeling after schools fininshed when your young. mullet splashes can be seen and heard all over the place, and looking forward towards the mangroves on the other side, bare weathered jetty posts can be seen, standing as a reminder of it's past.

very peaceful i must say but other than the minute sense of happiness this gave me, the balance of life seems to be tilting slightly to the left for me, towards baaad. it's not all that bad i guess, like everyone, there are good times in your life and bad times in your life, tho it just seems at the moment, all my bad times i've had up until now, well not neccesarily bad, but more, hard times, have all been done for little or no gain at all.

maybe i'm just a little too impatient, im always for the optimist, and really, i'm still true to the saying, if you work hard, there will always be something in return but i just feel like it's just soo much more easier to give up. i guess sometimes you've just gotta keep pulling on that rope until it's finally yours.

i hope after this is all over, i will become a better person.



listening to this makes me feel like a bettter person....it's just amazing.

work's pushed back another half an hour and with a start time of 10 tonight, i sit here watching shrek in the lounge room while cola lies on her back alseep in the corner where she's usually at. although theres a few extra bucks lost, the extra hours before work serves awesomely, giving me time to just relax, chill out, and to be worry free for a couple.

with uni and work, as well as the restaurant opening back up, it's hard to find time to relax these days. thursdays seem to go pretty well with only a tute early morning but the weekends are really the only time where i can feel comfortable not worrying about uni.

tbc