nothing special

Sunday the 24^th of January was a day which showed both one of my lowest and highest points in life. After the many stories of the few friends who wondered up the four and a half or so thousand steps of pain that is Mt Warning, we decided to give it a crack last weekend. As confident as I sounded the few Friday nights before talking to Ross about it, I had no idea how much trouble I was getting myself into.

We packed lunch early morning and what we thought a good supply of water and headed up Mt warning around 1030 or so. The drive down to warning was beautiful to say the least. Rolling green hills broken by great hanging cliffs followed the clear rocky rivers, so clear that schools of fish were visible. Happy spirits were presented mostly by myself and turned to silence only 400 meters up. Every step I took was a different one, changing between angles and heights and depths of the rock following. The path circled the mountain base endlessly and upon reaching the half way mark of 2.2 kilometers, it no longer was only physically demanding but mentally, it drained.

But powering on, step after step, lactic acid building with each stride, it wasn’t long after that thoughts of giving up were starting to creep into my head. I hated every person who came down past us. So much hope lost to effortless lies of those whom I trusted when they said we were nearly there.

15 minutes, 5 minutes; it took us nearly half an hour to finally reach what I thought was the end. Breaks in the canopy of endless rainforest showed exactly how high we really were with ribbons of light clouds swirling beneath us and tops of mountains, dark blue lakes and a continual platelet of green shades which coloured in between. No longer is there shade from above of the fanned out leaves of ferns, but now, as the sun beat down on us, what lied ahead was the biggest challenge.

The last leg of the hike was 200 meters up which inclined more than 45 degrees at points. There was a chain to the right to help assist those heading up but I found crawling up on all fours was much more easier. When I finally reached the top, no energy to even walk, let alone take in the sights, I found a shady area under a bush and lied motionless for a few moments. Even the 4 or so ants which bit me everywhere didn’t move me. I stumbled over to where the gang was calling me to find a platform, with a nice up breeze to cool my tooshie I found a place to get some sleep. We took a few photos to prove we had made it and with a little sip of water and a feed on bacon and egg rolls, we headed back down, taking less than half the time it took to get up.

The day ended with a relaxing afternoon at Wooyung and a feed at Yatala pies on the way home. Such an experience it was and I’m glad to have gone through it because now I will never EVER do it again.

Maybe when I’m a little bit more fit, Maybe.

So I was out of internet for a couple of weeks back because of my quota problems but I didn't forget to blog.

27th January, 2010

The past couple of weeks have taught me a few very valuable lessons.

1. Great friends are ones that cannot be distinguished between family. A friend is someone who knows your name and you know theirs. A great friend is one who’s been there at your lowest, and celebrated with you at your highest.

2. Great friends much like family can get pissed at you and you both have to solve it together and let time heal wounds.

3. Nothing is greater than your dreams. Life happenings can make dreams drift and forgotten but nothing is more satisfying than reviving your motivations and striving for your goals.

4. There are always idiots which make your life harder. Just don’t be tempted to become one.

5. It can take years for someone to love you, but an instant for them to hate you.

6. With positive thoughts, there are positive doings.

7. Life goes on.

Back home now from a good nights work which began at the 6er and finished at the gym, I'm feeling a little depressed wondering if there's anything that can make life a little more fulfilling. I think it's more boredom though considering I haven't really done much with myself for a few weeks now. 'Relaxing' on the holidays just doesn't seem to cut it really.

I searched pretty much 'how to make life more fulfilling' and through the many pages that came up, I found the answer summed up in a Nickleback song. I guess its not so much an answer, but it did stir up some brain jigglies. Yes I hear the moans and groans and I still am clueless as to why so many people hate them but who cares what other people think right?

Hope this helps you find new light. It has for me.

So I decided to have a sleep on the opposite side of the bed last night and had one of the worst nightmares I've had in a long time.

There I was standing near a cliff face, and an argument was going on about something between two girls whom had now been surrounded by a group that formed. I ignored most of what was going on and made my way to the bottom of the cliff (very much like kangaroo point) in which suddenly one of the girls in a laundry basket fell, I tried my hardest to direct her and the basket to the side just before she hit the ground to decrease the momentum but it did very little.

Being too afraid to lift up the basket, I stepped back and in doing so, noticed blood dripping from my face and in my hair, her blood. Still very calm, I made my way back up to where the original argument happened and just as I got there, the other girl jumped.

I woke up scared and still am. Still trying to figure out what it all means, I'm pretty superstitious. Lets see how I go tonight.

After only watching half of the Sandlot kids DVD that Bondy had brought over Friday arvo, I decided to finish it before going to bed that night. I must say I enjoyed it just as much as I did in 2nd grade when we rented it out from the now non-existent block buster down the road; old school VHS for a buck (7 weekly's for seven bucks).

I can't believe that even after so many years, I can still remember most of what happen; mind you, I probably watched that movie at least a hundred times. I remember the first baseball glove dad brought home from the flea market a few weeks later after realizing how much I loved baseball. Growing up in Australia didn't give me much of a chance to really get into it considering most of the neighborhood kids grew up with cricket but I still loved it. I loved it so much that when dad finally did bring home that baseball mitt, I begged and pleaded him to bring home a helmet. When he brought a cricket helmet home, I took off the grills on the front and wore it everywhere.

My sister and I would take turns wearing the mitt while throwing tennis balls at each other. It always gave mum grief when she found our pant knees stained green with little holes in them, (usually from slide practice) but I guess she was more relieved that we didn't have knee grazes stained red (she just didn't see them). I always dreamed to be like Benny back then. I loved baseball and even though I had never played a single game in my entire life, I knew I was good at it. It became life, it wasn't just a game anymore.

Every afternoon after getting home from school I would unpack my bag and take my baseball mitt out. Even though I never played with it when I was at school, it always gave me joy to just put it on and feel it for a few seconds, whenever I missed it. The smell of real leather and the weird smell it put on my hands when I took the glove off are ones I'll remember forever. When I put the glove on, I was Benny.

So when I got home, still in my uniform I pulled her out and put her on. No after school supper, no shower, no nintendo, there was just no time. I'd run out to the back yard to find 'the ball', one of many dozens of tennis ball lying around (the bouncy one with plenty of fur on it) to throw as high as I could in the air and attempt to catch it first go. The majority of the time the ball would land dead straight centre inside the glove, I mean, how hard is it to catch a ball that's thrown straight up in the air. But the days where the ball was let go just a little too late and ended up on the roof or an attempted slide missed the ball upon its contact with a surrounding obstacle, or nothing seemed too right, I would make sure I practiced that little bit harder because I knew if I wanted to be as good as Benny, I couldn't miss any catch.

I remember the day when I trialed for my first softball team at school. Even though it was softball and only minor differences were observed compared to baseball, it was as close as I would get to playing baseball. I had been waiting for so long for the chance to show what my practice had transformed me into. I stepped up to the plate, bat in hand and at full swing I hit my first home run. I did the dummy back to third after attempting to run to home which fooled those who hadn't played the game before. After the many years between then and now, I still cannot think of a time were I actually fulfilled the phrase 'step up to the plate' as much as I did that softball trial.

I remember as I grew older, the passion for baseball slowly died and became more and more a game to me. Although I can't pinpoint the exact time I started to lose interest, I think it was when life started to become a little clearer to me. When you start learning more about the world, it starts to disappoint you. I was no longer Benny when I hopped onto the softball ring with bat in hand because at every base there was another Benny, trying to become the best. Even though I hit a hat trick one game against serviceton state school, my dream was swallowed when we got smashed 30 runs to 1 against the murray school which was coincidentally, the first time I was actually scared to bat.

Although I learned of disappointment early, I guess I understand how important it is to try your hardest at everything you do. And if its not meant to be, then it's not meant to be; and you can at least admit that you tried your best.

Man I miss being young. I need to learn from my old self and get back on track.

Come back and teach me 14 year old Ly :|

Another year has past, and another year has begun and even though it's just another day ticking over to another, I do feel a little different.

This year, I spent my early hours of the new year with close friends up on a mountain watching terrible terrible fireworks. They probably wouldn't have been so bad if we had realized that anything seen from 20 or so kilometers away would look pretty small, no matter where you see them from. But none the less, it was an experience needed and one that we will never do again.

As the clock ticked over to twelve and the fireworks filling the minuscule sky viewed from on top of Mt Cootha, we decided that the fireworks weren't worth a half an hour trip down the mountain stuck behind traffic, so we legged it.

Yelling, well more like screaming loud 'Happppppppp-py New Year!!!' to the few we thought would return one, down the mountain brought tears of laughter to my eyes and made me realize that I stressed way way too much over how old I was getting last year.

We had our first maccas for the year and played games at IPM, what a way to start off the New Year hey.....

------------------------------------------------------------------------------>

Phuccie popped by over in the morning, not even giving me time to get out of bed to get some pants on (mind you, my laptop was right next to me so there was no real 'urgent' need for it anyway') and we talked fishing for a while. We decided to go have a fish to start the new year as well as begin our 'fishing comp' which ends sometime around July.

We finished the night with Phuccie landing 2 flatties, myself a bream and a half, Quangie a bream and phuccies dead flatty which he got disqualified for and bondy with a donut. We ended the start of our new year with a few games of Hon.

What a way to start the new year, one filled with the things we love to do. Hopefully it will be a good year, it's been a decent start so far.

HAPPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

May it be a year full of fun and enjoyment and one filled with many good memories. Good bye 2009, hello twenty-ten.

I finally reached it, 77 posts; more posts than last year.

And yes, this post counts, even though I cheated,

I make the rules....

Man, I love my little rottie so muuuuuccch!!

I couldn't imagine a day without her to be real honest. She's the only thing in the world that makes me happy on the days when life feels more dreadful than usual.

If only everyone could love like a dog loves their master, I reckon the world would be a much much better place.

So I've sorted out the majority of things which needed to be done this year to have any attempt at making this coming year a more pleasant one. One thing I did learn today were that if everyone were as nice to me as the lady at Centrelink was, I'd probably be a lot less miserable.

I've actually never mentioned being on the benefit have I, but if you didn't know by now that I'm a hole in the wallet, poorer than grubby finger nails then you have no idea. I very much appreciate what the government does for the under privileged and I can definitely hear whispers saying that they aren't so much under privileged, just lazy.

I agree and agree to disagree considering my own situation and how much even a couple of bucks a fortnight can help. If it weren't for the benefit, I really doubt we would be anywhere near how fortunate we are now, I mean, that's what gets the bills paid when you can't. But I do very well agree to those who believe that our taxes are used to pay those who have both arms and legs to move them off their lazy arses to find work but refuse to.

I'm not so much angry but I do believe it's unfair to those who work hard and spend little to barely survive even with government assistance. Maybe I should just be a doll bludger, makes life a little easier hey.

Stuff that, I couldn't imagine getting something for nothing. For every dollar I receive from Centrelink, you can be sure that I will return it in the near future when I turn into that successful Pharmacist the country helped create. Don't worry mum, I'll help you too!

Sometimes I hate preparing for the worst.

I'm always dissapointed; in a good way.

Today is the 28th and in a few days it's going to be 20-10. I can't believe that this year has gone by so fast! I mean, I only just remember sitting there by my lonesome self watching the fireworks end 2008 on the tube.

I've always believed that with every new year came new challenges and opportunities but both these came to those who are willing to look for them. I've found that for some reason, every-time the new year came round, it was much easier to forget the little things that bugged me during the year and to hypothetically turn a new leaf, start fresh. But as much as I ponder and linger to think of the new things I'll do differently this year, I'm actually contemplating whether I should even think about them, considering how this year turned out.

Reading last years new year 'resolution' has got me a little disappointed knowing that pretty much all of what I said I'd do differently this year, went the exact same way. Laziness was my number 1 habit to lose however I don't think I've ever been more lazy.

I can definitely attribute most of my 'uncompleted' (failed seems such a harsh word) tasks to laziness. I promised to quit security, reduce the hours at the sixer and find another job in which paid more and was more enjoyable; which never happened. Being lazy probably got me to end the year with the lowest GPA I've ever had with my first 'fail' in a subject. And being lazy has definitely put a toll on my health; I can't even remember the last time I gymed.

I know that sitting here and thinking about all the things I can improve on from last year would probably make this post near endless, but an episode of scrubs reminded me that sometimes you have to give yourself a break (I actually do wish someone would say that to me sometimes though). Yes I was lazy, and yes this year has probably been one where life didn't progress too much forward, but in the end, I guess there is a difference between acknowledgment and changing and being just sad about it.

I really am not sure if I will change this year but I do know for a fact that I will try harder. Lets welcome 20-10 with our arms wide open!!!!!!

So it's nearly another year past and even though it surely doesn't feel like it, holidays seem to be much closer to an end then ever. The BBQ last sunday felt like a success with most things going by without much of a hassle (the rain sort of broke my heart for a little while but the rummies and beams I had with the boys took all that pain away).

The cow was beautiful but the company I'ld have to admit, determines how any night will turn out. You'll still hear me talk about how grateful I am to still have a good bunch of mates who congregate every couple of times a year to tell lies and listen to them, but why not? It's good how everyone just gets along ay, even though half of them have only heard stories of the other half. Ray got onto me for not 'officially' introducing him to a few of the guys but having met everyone at least more than once before, most of our stories have been shared.

We have a couple of additions this year but with it, a few did leave but that's just life though hey? I think I've actually grown up a little to understand that not all good things in life can and will last forever. You have to hold onto what is left and just let it go when it leaves.

I've been thinking a little less than usual this past week or so and it's probably got to do with how drunk blind I was Sunday night and the intense hangover endured the next day. Now that my head is a little more rested I feel as though I should be thinking about things, I feel weird not though. Maybe I need it? I feel that sometimes I'm too stressed out about things I over analyzed about which is pretty much everything. I've made a plan to stop thinking until the new year starts; a decent enough break I hope.

We'll see how it goes. Hoping for happy holidays all round, I'll come back to update on this no thinking thing probably sooner than later. Take it easyyyy.

So yes, I have been a little stressed out the past couple of weeks with little things here and there compounding to my already long list of worries but none the less, most of them have resolved (considering the majority of them involved the organizing of an end of year BBQ b'day bash for Martin and Phuccie).

I absolutely hate organizing things these days and I really do wonder why I enjoyed it so much when I was younger. I'll probably feel a little more relieved though knowing that tomorrow even though might not turn out in the best possible way; will definitely be better than having organized nothing at all.

We've got a baby cow going on the roaster at around 3, mums salads and springs rolls along with cooked prawns and oysters scattered around somewhere abouts and guests will hopefully start turning up around 4.

I can't wait for it to start hey,,,,,

My to do for tomorrow:
1. Get 5 bags of coal
2. Bring out tables to the backyard
3. Set up some beats
4. Set up some lights
5. Gather the chairs
6. Drink heaps
7. Eat heaps
8. Get blind

just an excerpt from an e-mail i sent to a mate down in adelaide;

With holidays here you’d think that we’d be doing a fair bit of fishing ay, but it seems that everyone’s more caught up with work now that uni is over; it seems the same to me though considering how much I actually did go to uni.

Marks for us came out yesterday and I passed which I’m pretty stoked about ay. Was stressing hard about it especially when I crammed the whole semester in a couple of nights (don’t we all though ay). Probably have to go see the unit coordinator though to beg and plead him to let us do the extra subjects I need, next year instead of prolonging my course for another one.

I haven’t seen much of anyone else since holidays started ay. I fished with phuccie a fair bit down the coast that first week but other than catching small flatties and breambos, nothing much. Phuccies back on his drought after that good session he had that time you came down with us. He’s been a sook lately though and an unlucky bastard at that too. I got a call from him one Sunday arvo (which was a blood stinker mind you) saying that his baby Ferrari had died and that he was in the middle of the road between tackle warehouse and the city waiting for the towie to come. He had turned the air con on and she died at the lights turning right; got the guy behind him to help push (man, sounds a bit familiar hey). Ended up being his distributor but it doesn’t end there hey. We hit a few new spots on the brissie river that night with Quangie and Bondy and after Phuccie lost his lure by noob casting onto a bridge, he lost the tip of his T-curve when the cunt closed my door on it.

He was fucking pissed hey man! It was sooo funny ay, I made it soo much worst though ay. He didn’t say anything again after replying to my ‘why did you close the door on it for?’ with a ‘SHUT THE FUCK UP MAN”. Bro, it was gold man but I feel sorry for the bastard ay. Before we got into the car as well, I asked the cunt if he wanted to put his gear into the boot but he said nah, he’ll take it into the car and then do a superman and jump out when he gets home….fucking hilarious man.

After dropping him off we hit the west end bbc sheds after catching a few livies. A good half or so with no action Bondys rod bends like my rod bent after hitting that threadie off of Sydney street. Not long after, Quangie was on and then my rod started to pull drag! All three of us on live prawns were onto something massive or so we thought anyways. Holding my rod, and a landing net, Quangie pulled the cunt in with his massive shark gear with ease. To our surprise it was a STONKER, catty, definitely worthy of a BRC competitor. As I huffed and puffed with my rod, Quangie ran back down to help out bondy whom was still on with the fight, only to find that it too was a massive catfish and I myself, ashamed, hooked one too. Photos on bondys page does not do the fish justice; they measured 60+ and we actually kept them.

We headed over to a spot down further where only a few nights before I got hit with the biggest jewie I’ve ever seen in the river. A tap tap on my first cast with the natural banana prawn, it ran and I set the hook. My drag set on light; mind you my new rod is no more than a 3 kilo breambo combo with a 3000 shimano on it, it surfaced. The cunt was fucking huge! Quangie and Bondy can vouch as well being at ‘least’ legal. But much like the threadies when they see more shallow waters, the bastard dove and ran and there went my line. After I hooked a live mullet on Bondys rod, he caught the same cunt again and ended with the same story.

So in went the banana prawn again in natural with my normal 1/8 jiggo, my line went slack and for a second I was about to tighten until the rod bent over. Bondy has a vid of me fighting the bastard which ended up being a 58cm jewie; calling the thing ‘fat’ was underestimating it but instead of keeping her for a feed, I let her go to fight another day (sounds familiar hey?) The night started to slow until we noticed that our live prawns were getting smashed; the heads were getting chomped off every one we would throw down. Decreasing our gear to smaller hooks and sinkers, we found that they were breambo when Quangie landed two decent 27+ brembos; not bad for the Brisbane river.
The night was getting quiet and I was getting tired but the boys seemed so keen with Bondy catching catfish all night, I decided to pack up and watch them.

Quangie being quangie began to fillet the catties and use them as bait. After throwing a few fish carcasses down the river and throwing his filleted catfish bait out, unexpected, his rod shoots from vertical to just past horizontal with the drag as light as shit as well. After the couple of seconds or so with something massive on its end, the metal trace gave way and we were shocked to think it was most likely a shark. Nearly losing a second rod, Quangie caught bondys rod mid air and it ended the same way; metal trace gone and main line frayed.

Quangie set up again and within seconds of throwing out his bait, he landed a 48cm cod which made me jealous as shit; it was beautiful man. That ended the night.

man, i need a new job hey

A few recent fishing photos

officially on holidays (started a week ago)
officially finished uni for the year (started a week ago)

officially sick of work (started a year ago, but finally realized that i need something better to do)

first bird that gets the morning worm,
but the second mouse that gets the cheese.

get rid of the baggage. i'll try and get down a few lectures before coming back here.

- stop facebooking
- stop watching tv
- stop looking at fishing gear
- stop checking hotmail

-start focusing!

Now that that is out of the way, I can actually talk about how life is in a more positive view. Damn, I never actually thought venting like that would make me feel so much better.~~~

So life is kind of slow at the moment. University exams are finally here and while we have been in SWATVAC for what seems like so long, I've only just realized that it's nearly over and have no progress into studying whatsoever. Pharmacogenomics is apparently the first exam I have on the 6th and although all semester it has been a kind of do and guess type of subject, the final seems to be quite straight forward. Study the 5 lectures he's given us and pass.

I actually did hit the books last night and smashed down 2 lectures, very briefly. I skimmed over therapeutics the other night and all i can say is that in the week coming up to that exam, it will be nothing short of hectic......(too hungry and tired to continue).....

so i am here to chuck a sook about all the little stupid things that have made my day just that little bit worst....

1. mum never picking up the bloody home fone.

2. stupid people stealing the hot water i boiled to eat the last mi goreng i was intending to eat.

3. stupid people

4. people who use the 'internets' or 'apparent reliable sources' to show how smart they are to the dumbest things

5. people with no common sense

6. people who complain about things they can change but can't be arsed to do anything about. (yes i hate myself).

7. mummas boys

8. people who don't appreciate advice (at least respect it if you ask for it)

9. people who can't take 'conservative' criticism

10. have i said stupid people yet?

Taurine + Ginseng + B Vitamins + Guarana =


hopefully a finished assignment and some more......

hey, who is this your probably thinking, or not,.... but yes, it actually is me. back from resurrection and although life seems to be a little boring at the moment, i've still got a bit to express, haven't i always though ay?

my new flame of passion for fishing has been lit and burning ever so brightly for the past couple of months. other than the countless amounts of catties our little brissie river often provides us, we've managed to learn it's little secret and unlock the many mysteries of the once so hated. able to catch my first ever jewie just a few months back with the help of an old mate quang, and landing a few monsters since then, what i've learnt has definitely guaranteed that i'll catch fish when i'm 90.

apparently i've considered myself a 'tamer' of the brisbane river now that i've caught it's biggest secret the threadfin salmon and yeah yeah, i know, you've all done it before but it's definitely something i'll never forget in a hurry. not only did the 90 or so centimeter make a satisfied feed for more than a few people, in catching it, it's taught me so much more about the way i've been living and so much more about how i should change it.

my second brain is always reminding me that if i put even a little percentage of the effort i do on fishing, i'ld probably be somewhere by now. not to mention the hard work i do to actually enjoy my fishing; working for some spare money between two jobs, there's the dragging of an 18 ft or so cast net out to the waters edge and throwing it a couple of dozen times to find a prawn in each one. theres also the late nights and the freezing cold as well the loss of morale on days when it's dead slow...

no doubt, i've realized that without the work there can be no real success but motivation to keep going is usually lost when it comes to things like studying for me. i question many times whether i'm creating the right path for myself and still can't figure out what else that appeals to me more than fishing. how much it hurt to loose my first thready on somewhat piss weak gear and comparable experience. gaining from this experience, i learnt that another thing lost is another thing gained and from a week of forum scouting to upgrading the gear, and between the efforts of throwing the same lure over and over again at the same spot and finally landing the bastard, i had caught my first thready. i was actually happy for once knowing that from all my efforts, i had gained something.

------->
these days, it all seems to be too much work for not much play. 30+ hours a week to pay off a few bills and save up for future bills just really doesn't seem worth it. mum reckons the work i do is consuming me, but even though i know she understands that i do it for her and the little sister, i don't think she knows that i have to do it. i sometimes hate being 'the guy that works so hard' especially when people start getting it confused with 'the guy that works so much'. i hate putting so much time and effort into surviving where efforts of barely scraping is usually the result.

two jobs to 'just' get me by. one which covers my clothes drenched in what only bleach can remove and the other, well pretty much the same. i hate being the one that does so much sacrificing both physically and emotionally and have no acknowledgment of appreciation; it sure as sh*t does feel that way though. its just so hard to stay positive when you put so much effort in filling a bucket with soo many holes. i'm doing it though, barely.

as lonely as the single gold fish left in the large dark waters of my fish tank, i am without doubt too similar. must i actually find those who really do love me for who i am, or will they come to me?

i hate loving too much for those who matter, am i an idiot?

he likes being sad...

sometimes its hard to to be harsh.....

but how will they ever learn?

i finally did it!

It was only after driving around the valley at 11 o'clock one night which made me realize that there is so much more to life than i had recently once thought.

As lonely as it sounds, I've enjoyed a few by-myself nights particularly on the water with rod in hand to ponder about the many things which have been on my mind, and to see if i couldn't snag a feed for the tummy. I actually learnt something new about myself during one session over at fishermens island a few weeks back.

The drive to the mullet hole to grab some bait proved to be much longer than usual which probably had to do with not conversing with anyone on the way there. Nonetheless, once reaching the bait hole, the cast net was hauled through the park to a spot you'ld probably have fun imagining what could happen to you out there.

It wasn't uncommon to think an axe murderer was around with every shake of bush or rattling of metal but going this far, it was either a chance of dying or catching bait for a feed. As you probably would of guessed, I was stupid. From the 10 or so casts of the 20ft,- 3 prawns, 3 mullet and 2 herring were up for a trade for something hopefully bigger. Lactic acid built up everywhere particularly located on my lower back and arms, but the second or so of rest while sitting in the car allowed me to regain everything that I had lost, I mean, I've actually got a chance of hitting something big at the port for once.

Again, the speakers this time though were blarring out much of the rnb mp3 data disk that I had burnt but still, it was a quiet ride to the port. I unloaded my gear, bucket in one hand, two rods in the other and a bag, drapped over my shoulder full of tackle, I was actually surprised that I was that determined to fish that night.

So after setting up my gear, I sat and waited, and ran thoughts through my head. I actually thought about my dad for once and wondered where he was and what he was up to. It's actually kind of ironic me fishing by my lone self considering the many times I had denied going with him back in the day. But as I slowly ran out of things which made me remember the good things about him, I slowly pushed the thought to the back of my mind, with the bad things flowing.

I instantly started to think about how much I loved my mum but was interrupted by a slight jerk in the rod tip which ended up being just the current. Returning to the conversation with myself, I thought a little bit of the dramas that seemed to be occurring around me but they somehow seemed to be swept by with thoughts of the people who actually matter which coincidentally, are those whom I actually matter to.

I apologized a few times to myself and a few other people that night and learnt that no matter how sincere and honest your apology is, there will always be those who understand and those who just understand that its just another word. It's really strange how those that do understand know that an apology isn't just for them but also the person saying it. I apologized to myself for being so harsh when things weren't necessary and being so soft with things that bothered me.

I thought of how stupid little things could make people act so little but realized that it seems some people just need drama in their lives, I love it.

I feel like I'm learning more and more about myself as I sit alone to talk to my mind, there's only so much you can talk to a friend about but then again, the fellas that listened to me could probably say there isn't.

I feel like I've grown......To be continued.

7 lectures, 22 hours remaining....21.59, 21.58, 21.57

"Heal Over" - KT Tunstall

It isn't very difficult to see why
You are the way you are
Doesn't take a genius to realise
That sometimes life is hard
It's gonna take time
But you'll just have to wait
You're gonna be fine
But in the meantime

Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over
Heal over
Heal over someday

And I don't wanna hear you tell yourself
That these feelings are in the past
You know it doesn't mean they're off the shelf
Because pain's built to last
Everybody sails alone
But we can travel side by side
Even if you fail
You know that no one really minds
Come over here lady

Don't hold on but don't let go
I know it's so hard
You've got to try to trust yourself
I know it's so hard, so hard

Come over here lady
Let me wipe your tears away
Come a little nearer baby
Coz you'll heal over, heal over, heal over someday

in the five minutes or so that i have to rest my eyes and grab a drink, and go to the toilet, i've decided to come here. i've decided to give my ears a rest (not that they needed any) and have mr mraz blaring calmly through them (see what i did there?).

as you would of guessed it by now, i am once again on the mission of exam preparation in which the word preparation is used correctly for once. to have any chance of passing my exams at the start of the following week i've actually put my head down and done some decent study. i've been 'forced' although very very un-forcefully (it was more to prove a point) to start playing facebook farmville. with the waiting between planting the seeds and harvesting the fruit, i've been at my books in between, a fair bit actually.

the final two lectures needed to be studied for pharmacotherapys' mid semester doesn't seem too bad. respiratory infections along with a few infections associated with genitalia does in fact prove to be quite interesting, the associated pictures make it a lot more interesting as well.

pharmacogenomics is definitely another story however. i just can't wait to study them; much much sarcasm intended.

other than pharmacy on my mind, all that i can think of is fishing. i actually can't believe how determined i am with studying tonight. my only free night for the week, i've decided to not hit the river and throw a few in but hit the books. how motivating ay.

...people lined the platforms side by side, shoulder to shoulder and filled the smokey air with noises of laughter and voices combining with the sounds of machines just about to start. the computer generated voice over the intercom buzzing, 'the train will be ready to board in 2 minutes' created an immediate panic from all people around. showbags and toys of all sorts gathered and held as people stood up to have some standing chance of a seat on the train.

myself, i was the maniac whom had forgotten all else but to hold on to the amounts of soft plushies i had won and to run for dear life in hope to not miss the train. hearing the computer lady though gave me a feeling comparable to starting a busting piss, relief. as maniac calmed to just being sane i caught a glimpse of what i thought was only fantasy.

her long black hair; similar, her recognizable figure; similar, that top i remember her wearing, all similar, but uncertain with her back towards me. all day she had been on my mind, every second of every minute and every minute of every hour which never really felt much to me but in an instant of insanity she was there, probably, most likely. uncertainty lead to false hopes all day thinking that i'ld bump into her on one of the busiest days of the year, i probably had a better shot at lotto.

but this time it felt different. i had seen her alot at school and whenever i did i shat butterflies. i felt butterflies fluttering inside me and once i noticed it, she was the only other thing i paid attention to. time seemed to slow, slow enough for me to run up and touch her hair and then run back. no noise now was heard other than a repetitive duff duff from underneath me which got louder as the seconds past by...

So in an attempt to get things started, i went through a few of my old lists to find that i had never crossed out clean out the sunroom. it was mainly because i wanted to turn it into a study but because everyones got a room for themselves it wasn't really something anyone 'needed'.

i got the idea from phuccie when he said he would put in a jar a list of things he wanted to buy and in another jar a few bucks every week and would only buy what he could afford on the list with the money he had saved. my jar contains to do things which can be recycled to help occupy myself during times of 'free time'. things from do an hour of study to calling a friend for a chat and one off things such as paint the car can be picked. alright, it was something i did when i should of been studying, hopefully it helps.


molo and i hit up the brissie river in hope for a catch of a school jew for the table but instead hooked this 5 of so kilo ray which dragged me half way across the park to land him. he tasted awesome in a vietnamese vermicilli wrap. (take only what you need).

i sorted out my finances as i was so confused as to where all my money went. hopefully the pig, oversized diet coke can and random tin can will help hold my monies.

la la la la, that is when i, ruled the world.

i've been in a real strange mood these past couple of days i'ld have to admit. i think it's mostly got to do with finding out that i'm turning into an old bastard. i had a good old mate of mine give me an invitation to his 21st a couple of weeks back and only just realized that i wasn't able to take work off for it. to compensate, i flicked through a few of my old photo albums to put something together for him; to remember of the good old days.

pictures of the much younger ly, no facial hair (still as handsome though i'ld have to add) reminded me of memories i'ld give anything to re-live. asking the kind lady at the tuckshop for an icy-pole that cost 20 cents and a bottle of cola for a dollar was probably the first thing that i had thought of. change no doubt is inevitable and i just couldn't imagine how it'd be today knowing that that icy-pole probably costs a dollar and cola bought out by coke now, was probably banned due to the newly discovered health implications it caused to young kids.

why i have never agreed so much with the phrase 'ignorance is bliss'. i reckon the best thing about being a kid is ignorance; you just never have to really worry about anything because you don't know any better. flicking through the photos and finding the ones of the trip to Vietnam when we were yay high reminded me of just how it felt being around family. with grandma sailing away into the horizon, if i were to regret something in my life, it would be that i never got to say good bye to her; i really wonder how i would of felt if it were only a few years back.

i've been reminiscing a little with a few of the guys lately which is probably a reason for this little change in ly. story telling of the many little stories of my happenings seems to entertain the few that listen but like i told them, it's not about the story which makes it entertaining, it's how you tell it. knowing that i'ld probably be able to write a book with all the stories i've got (and exaggerated, made up), it also struck a thought that maybe being older gives me more opportunity to find more stories to tell. taking from the books of phuccie; even a holiday without a story isn't really a holiday we reckon.

on finishing the little project for my mate, i decided that it was time to get back on track. i sorted out my finances and hopefully this sudden motivation will help me restart the path to completing that life list i always talk of,.......the reason for this thing.

it's great to wake up to the little rays of morning sunlight which burns the little hairs on your face. today i was actually looking forward to doing nothing. mind you, i prepared for my monday lecture by sleeping early and printing out notes until i found out that there was no lecture on.

instead of stumbling around like usual, my head felt clear and refreshed; the 8 or so hours of sleep seemed sufficient (even though 8 seems a little bit too much for my liking). i grabbed a feed and decided to educate my cultural side by watching a few movies molo had lent me.

after finishing 7 pounds which was definately as buzzy as everyone was making it out to be, it seemed as though the little annoying birds outside just wouldn't shut-up. but in an instant of thinking that, i was suprised how i actually noticed them. all the chirping and sounds of wings flapping along with the tunes of insects buzzing filled the air. spring indeed seemed to have come early and for just once, (well in a long time anyways) i listened to the sounds of the outside.

on the verandah i stood looking out towards the tree branches from which the sounds were coming from. the backdrop of the browned paddock grass and the sun just setting seemed to relax me. as i approached the stairs the sound of cola's tail hitting the metal wall stopped me. upside down she lay with four legs in the air, she wiggled her body side to side, something she usually did on her own when her dog dreams had finally ceased. her saggy lips drawn down by gravity showed her teeth and as i slowly sat down beside her, she licked me. the warmth of her sun bathed body and the floor boards felt under me represented much of what winter usually means to me.

as it sat there lost within the dark orangy tinge of the sun setting slightly, hands wet from doggy germs and smelling of an unbrushed mouth of many months, the instant smell of freshly cut grass brought me back. what i found a little strange was that it did not bring me to any memories of the past, nostalgia as people would describe it. it seemed as though i'm passed it now where the appreciation of what i have now seems to be what's keeping me smiling today.

i definately cannot say that the past is forgotten, no-one can, but to get to the point where you can appreciate that the past, is no more than the past than well, i guess life only just starts to begin. (unless your that lucky bastard where the past has not left you, yet).

staring at the poster i bought 3 years ago in nzed, lost within it's orangy tinge of sun setting slightly, i no longer reminisc of the time i was so eager, so motivated, so determined-

"it is not the position in which you stand, but the direction in which you look."

it's finally come to the stage where i no longer feel young being 21. it's a little funny how you can see yourself evolve, especially when you try and keep old habits updated while learning new ones.

as the sky darkens to a darker shade of blue, i'll try and sit outside while behind me the sun turns orange and the mossies fly past me and maybe think, because i know i won't be reading my lecture notes in front of me.

so we're back at uni this week and i do apologise for the scarce amount of posts that were supposed to be done during the holidays. the holidays were occupied with much work and fishing and alot of catch up sleep.

alot has happened during these past 5 weeks which has changed my view of life a little bit. even with uni starting last monday, it seems as though i'm still in holiday mode, i guess not keeping your brain active for 5 weeks or so affects some normal functioning. i was supposed to get so much done this week but instead, i choose to do much more of the things i was supposed to get done during the holidays; it's funny how you do little while your free and cram things when your busy? it's a little like uni studying don't you reckon?

although this semester is filled with two subjects, the two hour lectures of both 'endured' last monday and tuesday showed maybe 'two' subjects might of been a good idea this semester. they are absolutely insane to say the least but hopefully with much more time on my hands now i'll be able to actually do good for once.

life as i said feels a little different. it seems as though every day means so much with it ending so quickly. days seem so short especially when the sun rises so late and sets so early. i've started to begin training again and hopefully by this time next year i'll be playing in a rugby team alongside a few old and a few new mates. this last half of the year i've planned to quit some old things and start some new things.

the things, as i've described them, are a little uncertain at the moment but hopefully they associate a new job,...maybe better habits,.....a relationship...? hahaha who knows. plans these days seem a little over rated, a little ironic coming from a follower of to do lists and hard fore planning but maybe during this period of life, things need to be a little more well, unplanned? as uncomfortable as i am feeling without no clear set path of these next couple of months, maybe the plans that i've made which were not completed might need to be overcome before i can move forward?

i'm not quite sure if i should actually finish them or just forget about them but hopefully i'll figure that out soon. there still will be some 'planning' but maybe i won't be as pedantic as usual, i mean, if we don't plan for our future, will that future come?

probably.

slowly as the daylight folds behind the curvature of the sphere or more so indicated by the freezine temps which we've been experiencing, i'm much like a ghost. for the past few weeks, nothing more than waking up late afternoon and then wandering slowly through the campus you'ld see me do.

this semester although the exams are more spread out have been one which has scared me to bits and pushed me to preparing much ahead of time; which i doubt will be much help to me at all.

so a bit happened tonight which made me think a little. it's a pretty cool feeling after finishing a long and hard shift where everyone is keen to leave. between the 7 of us, it must of been a record, closing the place up in the time we did. feeling pretty content, i was ready to go find a feed and talk about awesome times (or just hang stubbornly around 7/11 figuring out what to do)

my mood definately changed after receiving a phone call where i came to realization that not all aspects in my life were perfect. i did the whole putting the problem into a jar and storing it in a cabinet up real high; somewhere where i wouldn't be able to reach unless i made the effort (metaphorically people)....

because i have been pretty slack on updates lately, i've decided to post a few of my past thoughts up (i found them upon my procrastination to post). hope you enjoy them even though they aren't complete post; some i have to be honest don't make much sense but i can't think of how to finish them considering i wrote them so long ago.

have fun and stay warm, winter is awesome.

sometimes i do laugh at the situations i am in. well maybe not....but it is kinda funny when ja simple little things such as alchohol, a v ery addictive drug mind you can take over your bodily sysstems nd render you pretty much...well....worthlesss, not in such a sense of mental mind though as it does make you think of man other things.

i guess alchohol can help you forget things, considering the bloody insane hangover you'ld experience upon the morning on a big night out. but it does also help you figure little things out, or i guess think of themm nonethe less. how would i, iif not drunk, oror sober (yeah i guot you there), be able to express feelings that i've helpd in for so much long.

yes, it is pretty certyain that i'vehad litltle success in my life up until now,but in sayin g that, i've managed to find a group of friends whom not only love me for whom i am, they appreiciat alll the little thingsi n life and well, even if they are a llittle sidetracked, there is alsoways time for.....us time...?

o don't kn0ow, these days, life just seems to be sooooooo routine (i've said it before and i'll say it again) but you know what, it's good to have spontaneous times like these. i'm able to express what i really feel and not be curtained by other aspects of life. i really hope ray had an aesomwe night.....

tonight taughed me the imporatnce of appreaciateding life and having fun going with the flow. cheers guys, this is dru8nk ly, out.....

yes i know, i know, it's probably the crappest picture to show you of any difference between the two pictures before an after but pretty much, if you can look pass the headlights and ignore any of the glare, you will see that the car has transformed from an unattractive, worn green respray to a silky smooth satin black.

whoa, a one sentence paragraph. my english is awesome.

BEFORE


MIDPOINT


AFTER

do you ever get the feeling that sometimes even the wizard of oz couldn't help you?

hopefully there will be a few things that will be done today, can't wait for it to start. i'm not sure if i should even bother sleeping knowing that i'll be woken up in a few hours anyways...maybe keep my eyes open for however long they are willing to 'stay' open?

19/06/2009 - holidays to do list (so far)

- get boat sorted out
- reformat computer
- clean bedroom
- sort out uni notes
- paint the rest of the car
- clean the car
- vacumn the car
- pay off my little debts
- ask for more hours at the 6er
- wash cola
- go to the wreckers and grab a dimmer
- slightly lower the car
- service the car
- clean up the sunroon
- clean up the fish tank

..........-------..........>

why all the heheheeing you might wonder? well as it is, i'm officially on holidays but with knowing that i finished last monday, why is it that i'm still pretty happy, maybe something else made me feel this way?

and yeah that's pretty much it ay. i can't believe that just one little (not really little i guess but one thing nonetheless) thing which was addressed today has brought me a whole lot of joy, alot more so than say, last night before my head hit the bed.

i've done satisfiable amounts of fishing although barely sufficient i'ld like to think and i've pretty much put my head down and how did that metaphor go...,'hit the ground running' as you'ld say. i finished painting the front half of my car as an experiment and i guess i couldn't be more happier knowing that it doesn't look as dodgy as i'ld thought it would turn out being.

catching up on some needed exam replacement sleep, no longer am i waking up at the 3 or 4 in the afternoon which resulted from early morning cramming allowing me to make more of my day. i can't wait to get the boat sorted, i've started a list, which is pretty typical ay...

hopefully these holidays are...productive.

Hands in line
Arms close to my side
I'm fighting tides of an ocean's undertow
And I figure I might not make it
And I'm taking empty
But seldom keeping
And the words retreat breathing histories into stories untold
And I unfold.


My hands are high
And I'm holding out, holding up
Because I figure that I just might make it
And I'm waking empty but seldom sleeping
And the words repeat breathing histories into stories untold
And I unfold.


Quality is what you see now in the corner of your eye.
Don't be surprised if you hear the bells ring
They form from the sky and they sound bong, bong, bong
And I'm holding up because I figure that I just make it.


And I'm waking empty but seldom sleeping
And the words repeat breathing histories into stories untold
And I unfold.

so i guess referring back to the start of my exam period posting; i can finally see the end of the tunnel and am slowly, at the time being heading towards the light. in a few more simple hours (12 to be exact) i will be pretty free, or should i say free from study for the many many weeks to come. to be really honest, there is no doubt in my mind that i will be staying back another year to finish off my degree because of some unfortunate and dissapointing exam performances but i guess why worry now when you can worry later? (no no, that's no real way of looking at it is it?)

but either way, what's done is done and i guess to be successful in general you gotta make sure you don't make the same mistake twice ay, everyone f*cks up. as content as i might sound (i am actually pretty content) i'm still to worry about a few things which have to be done in the next couple of days, things which i've been putting off for way too long.

i've got to really sort out my money issues at the moment. the two weeks or so of no work even though doesn't account for some enormous amount of money is gonna kill me the second bills come in the next week or so. i've got to find another job, preferably at a pharmacy somewhere where i can gain a little bit more experience as well as helping me find new ideas of things.
i've got to quit security for good this week and help out more at the 6er. hopefully things work out.

i've got to figure out what's going on with this electricity stuff as well as little bits and pieces there. i'll try and put in some time to paint my little beast as well, you'll see what i've done to it in a few days, it will be sexy. but yeah, hopefully this good break after exam will give me some time to fix things and do things as well.

just a few more hours to go. i seriously can't wait.

absolutely mangled by the last couple of exams, i'm not quite sure why i've still managed to put some time aside to blog considering my next is well, tomorrow (i guess tomorrows one isn't too bad considering most of it was studied for the oral exam last tuesday; man, i don't even want to think about that).

phuccie and i spent a good few hours catching up on our fishing thursday night. a good bream was kept and the few undersizes were reluctantly let go. in an attempt to train for the prawn season which might actually start early this year considering how bloody cold it's getting, we decided to finish the night early, short of the few last prawns to cast net back home in brisbane.

popping home to do a plopper and grab my c-net, we were off to our place under the gateway where well, the cold seriously was not worth the catch of a good bucket of mullet. stripping down my 4 layers of longings and belongings, the feeling of the wet and the wind blowing against my wet was not even a bit experienced until the adrenaline rushing through our veins had dissapated on the walk back to the car. toes feeling like they were about to fall off and the rapid increases in respiration (probably from the initial shock of the cold) welcomed the level 4 heater which was turned on instantly upon starting her up.

we headed over to the colmslie jetty in hope for some prawns and well, pretty much anything that we could net. a good session which led to a couple of prawns, some herring and a ripped to bits cast net gave the both of us some experience, something we definately will look forward to in the few weeks to come (no sarcasm intended).

i must emphasize again, it was 'absolutely freezing'.

absolutely....

ive memorised one lecture and now i think i'm a mad dude..............................

so i hit up the lectures i was supposed to do yesterday and have only got to getting through one so far.

i've gone through epilepsy which doesn't seem too hard and i've become complacent beause of it.

all i can think of is thursday and all the things im going to do to relax before my last exam on monday; who cares right, it's on monday?

my 15 hours or so of sleep today has helped me stay pretty wide awake but the caffeine i had was pure awesome, it helped cure my headache (damn you vasodilation!)

i've got that much time to spare (thats what my stupid side of the brain thinks) that i was able to read a study on the affects of excess caffeine.

i love fishing that much that i've booked phuccie out for next thursday.

its freezing.

i think i have swine flu.




i've re-editted this thing too many times now that i don't really care anymore about my engrish mistakes.

was not a typo,.... i'm just an idiot.

so yeah mang, still with the sleep in my eyes, and neck aching, pretty much feeling like f*ck all over, i think coming back down from the caffeine addiction has absolutely stuffed me.

on top of that, i'll probably rock up next year doing micro for the second time (i really really hope not though). that exam was soooo freaking crazy ay, i hope that some all mightly force actually helps me pass that thing; that's pretty much all that i'm relying on really, no faith....no faith at all.

my intention last night was to cram hard for the first half of the semester of pharmacology; depression, alzheimers, parkinsons and epilepsy but it was occupied by some sleeping and tv watching; i'm sooo wrecked ay, more so than a prisoners anus when they get let out. but ohh well, i guess it's still early days as much as i say it isn't.

when i really think about it, i do the majority of my studies at night, in the 4 or so hours it offers me. it's 12:39 at the moment so that means before my 'actual' study which begins usually round 7, i've got a good 6 or so hours so lets see how it goes. i really do plan to finish most of my stuff tonight. i've got court and my pharmacy oral to worry about but pharmacology is just such a ball licking subject, im suprised i haven't stressed out even more...

2 semesters of pharmacology i guess helps you get used to some of it....

i need to pass this exam, superman, please help me, i need to be rescued!

so it seems that i'm not stressing too much but i can just imagine how i'm going to feel tomorrow night, tuesday night and wednesday night. to be really truthful, my right kidney feels a little funny at the moment but usually all parts of my body malfunctions sooner or later during exams, damn, it's starting a little early though i've got to admit.

im half way through my exam notes for saturday which has been mostly on cleaning of sh*t. hopefully after this half or so of getting my mind awake listening to some mraz and having a feed on 4 day old banh mi thit i'll be able to finish most of it off so i can start studying other stuff. i've given up on trying to memorise absolutely everything especially....

------

so it is actually tomorrow and my exam is in a few hours. hmm, what has changed since the time i started this blog, not too much. i am, but very minimally, stressed which is what i really need at the moment so i can sit down and try to absolutely haul ass. thought that although the majority of the marks are in the second part of the semester, the studying of the first portions wouldn't be such a bad idea for the easy marks. i've gone through most of the start of semester stuff again and am pretty (not absolutely) confident that i'll be able to pass that stuff.

second part of the semester has been started and like i said before i really couldn't be bothered remembering all the processes of cleaning to be honest. hopefully things will just pop out in the multiple choice and as for the short answer questions, well, good luck to me ay? even though it does worry me that i might have to survive this bloody unit once more next year (touch wood to the freaking days), i just want to get it the hell over and done with so i can concentrate on my next two exams (coming very very soon).

i've already sorted out all the things i've neeeded to study for the two subjects as i have with all the tasks i've to do that's been compounding all week to be able to have a good solid weekend of as little interuptions as possible. i've skipped the massive caffeine load tonight in hope for the ability to fall asleep soon and for a few hours. im actually pretty scared that i won't be able to wake up so i'll set my alarm a good 20 or so times...hopefully that will be enough.

i know this post really doesn't make too much sense or is succint than usually, (well makes even less sense than usual i should say) but i just have a need to blog and put a few things out there physically instead of on my mind.

i'll be back

so yay it is for the instant things in my life at the moment. upon near completion of my analysis on the pharmacology and pharmacotherapeutics of venlafaxine, a much loved serotonin noradrenaline reuptake inhibitor for use in the antidepressant world, i find that life is quite complex considering the levels of serotonin in your brain are what stipulates how you feel about everything....

nonetheless, i must have some type of mutagenic excessive serotonin production to be this swell upon the beginning of the much to be endured, weeks of finals. much like preparing for battle (not much like it at all) training of all sorts must be done prior and mental preparations must be dealt with to provide the best case scenario; that of which is to fight and succeed with the evils.

i have to be blunt though, that if i were to head to battle tomorrow, i would probably die on the way. i guess in regards to examwise anyways, i might be able to find some ninja ability along the way which might give me a 0.0001 percent chance of coming back with all my arms and legs attached. im not sure if my rant successfully explains much, but in the world i am at the moment im just trying to be optimistic.

i've pretty much accepted the fact that failing this semester is a good probability and even with the ample time i've got to prepare for the exams, my acceptance still lingers. with the amount of chance i gave myself, i guess 0.0001 is some chance nonetheless. does having 0.0001 chance of passing mean that i have a 99.9999 percent chance of failing.....?

i don't think soooo mr.

man, i'm gonna have to start cramming hard.....