nothing special

i saw her today. as we walked through the parks in autumn, it reminded me of the movies. bright orangy brown leaves blowing, descending from above, while the cool air freezes lonely hands. ours connected, just to keep warm.

finger between finger, between finger, our hands burried deep within each others; no person could separate. as she pulled me towards her while we crossed the street, the smell of her hair, and the touch of her soft skin beneath her thinly lined dress made all senses active.

each step of mine, followed by the many claps of wooden heels on hard cement, told me to slow down; she didn't want to lose me, and i definately didn't want to lose her. she was a little quiet, but she talked when she needed to. it's funny how i often questioned how much we really knew about each other and that i would throw it out the window whenever she pressed words between her lips. i'ld ask if she were hungry, or if she were thirsty, or if she were tired, and would get a soft and gentle,
- 'only if you are'.

i liked the way her face went when she was concentrating or when she tried to be angry. i liked her lips, bright red from the cold. i liked her hair, dark starry black, tidy. i liked her eyes...i really liked her eyes.

i don't ever want to wake up.
but i did.
and now i miss her so much.

beautiful places

it's only recently that i've been a little worried about how life is going. i've re-read alot of my old posts and to me, it feels as though the warm and content me is progressively becoming more and more non-exisitent. there are a few things which pops up in mind and i reckon they all have something to do with making ly a grumpy old sad dude.

i reckon growing older, and living through much more, especially dealing with experiences (whether or not they are good) has implanted in me, the idea that nothing seems to be the way it is. again, i know this is quite negative but maybe it's just due to the amount of 'bad' experiences compared to the good that i've dealt with since starting this blog. two and a half years ago, i returned from new zealand and after a long period of self reflection, i decided that i was the only person whom could turn my life around.

why is it now, when compared to then, that when i look in the mirror, i do not see the motivation, and the uncontrollable flame of determination, once seen in myself. the flame, once a lit to massive proportions, now flutters against a wind cast black, breathing it's last drop of fuel that once was suffice.

friends always joke about qut, with its associated dodgyness (compared to uq of course), and loved to always use the motto 'the real world' whenever we would describe of dodgy equipment or discount cutback student necessities. but maybe it is this that lies true. maybe it is this which makes me feel a little cold and lonely at times knowing that 'the real world' isn't all that nice.

i mean, these days it just seems to be all work, which i guess attributes to money. if we are not working, we are resting. if we are working, there is always that thought that dosh in pocket is barely comparable to the hard work we perform. apparently so i've heard, this gets worst as life progresses further. but what i can't understand is why this one aspect in life is so important. at the moment, it seems that work is done more to survive than anything else.

when mana came up from nz and sat on my bed, asking whether i still had my to do list, it made me shatter a little inside. two and a half years ago, i remember, while typing on the still new keyboard of my laptop, the reflection of computer screen white light, on an emancipated ly, just out of highschool and full of dreams and ambitions. i type of the goals in life i wished to fulfill. and with pride and joy i shared my list and the accomplishments i had with those who shared the same passion; and i guess with those whom didn't as well. when i came to realisation last wednesday night, it's a little sad that as frequently as i pick up my guitar to play those boredom tunes or when i come onto here to blog of how this or that thing sucks, the list, as originally made, sits lifelessly to the left, physically flapping it's weathered corners and digitally, as lifeless and lifeless can be on a computer.

(this sucks, i had a good ending all typed up but lost it all when my computer froze; i'll try my best) i've had a few days to think about this and it's made me realise, well, stuff it. in the end you make what you want to happen. when shit hits the fan sometimes, i guess, in a sickening way, you should embrace it. i know it's a little strange actually analyzing the phrase but i guess either way, if shit does hit the fan, your going to get hit whether you like it or not. but today, i'll try and sort life out as best as i can. i'm going to try and figure those little things that make me tick and those little things which actually tick me off and i guess embrace it. i'll try and manage time a little more better to find time to do those things i've always wanted. 20, even though sounds old to me, i guess is only a quarter of my life (i do plan to live to 80).

my only goal now is to get back on track and see this whole thing through. there are still 2 more months of holidays and i aim to cross off at least 10 goals, i'll do it, you'll see.

P.S. thanks to all those whom have made me realise that life isn't all about surviving. you know who you are.

so again you get the drunk ly but it isn't too bad at the moment. just came back from martins 20th and i've got to say his 21st will be insane. this whole week has pretty much been chilling.

i had harry come by from melbourne monday arvo and we showed him our traditional market square hangings. after sassing some malay corner nasi goreng (mind you harry actually ordered mi goreng) we went home and harry rehearsed and did some background research for his to be interview the following day.

we hung for a little while and after harry fell asleep on the couch, we called it a night. waking up at 9:30 (holy damn, i've never seen the sun so low) we had a small feed and headed down the coast. having the interview be at 1:10, we got their at 1:00after i got a little lost; i think conrads was calling me.

i was able to sort out a few things while i was waiting for him. i called for an interview for my pharmacy allocations over in algester and after a bit of confusion from the pharmacy coorindator (it was more like the guy didn't know jack about what was happening) we agreed that i would come in on friday. i got to sort out insurance for the camry and write a good list of to dos. it sucks when you have like one chill day; it puts you completely off routine (i think i suffer from OCD, i just need to know what i've got to do, all the time).

coming back to brissie and having the weather actually be pretty good (no clouds, 30+ degrees) we headed home for a quick drink and went to pick up mana and simone whom had arrived at brissie airport.

it had been 2 and a half years since i had seen mana....

[X] Reformat and clean up the computer
[X] Clean room
[X] Fold the clothes
[X] Sort out hours over at Six Degrees
[X] Sort out all CDs in lounge room
[X] Go fishing
[X] Borrow movies and watch them


[] Get new blog up and running (in progress)
[] Get boat license (in progress)

[] Clean the middle room
[] Clean the far room
[] Clean the car
[] Cancel ACN phone

[] Pick up Mana & Simone from airport (2nd December)
[] Pick up Harry from aiport (2nd December)
[] Sort out finances by new years
[] Update Resume
[] Call Pharmacy co-ordinator for algester shop

its probably been one of the longest weeks i've had since a long while. the week was filled with work and after work events usually involving fishing or playing games. being holidays, the mentality of "chillin" and enjoying the break was used to mast the physical and mental exhaustion we had all exhibited. sleep deprieved, the smell of work which sticks to your skin and the slow shuffle-like movement; responsible for the replacement of walking are common tell tale signs of what i 've associated,- money needing, to enjoy christmas, students.

in a few more days when i feel like a good sleep. i guess the rain isn't all that bad, sitting in front of the tele watching iron man (for the second time, and yes being an overnighter i was unable to return it on time) with the gang; janice and martin, while the rain falls heavily, and the wind blowing hard, seems to set quite a cosy feeling. as cola shivers, a result of her dreaming, and felt under my smelly work feet, and the warm yellow rays of light from the lounge room lamp cast upon the wall beside it and the left side of martins' face, it reminds me of the exact moment last year when we did this same thing.

all that can be seen outside are the slow drips of rain drops as they slide down the glass opposite me. the distorted painting of the outside world shows of diagonal rain, the leaves, and twigs, and trees swaying upon their contact with gail force winds lying against a backdrop of an orange coloured canopy of street lights and train station spotlights.

the sound of rain, mixed with the sound effects of the final battle between good iron man and bad iron man, can be heard blarring out of the proximal stereo speakers. the smell of rain water, and janices fart and martins feet (yeah, they won't read this until they're at home anyways) only a sniff away explains exactly how chilled and relaxed everything seems to be.

i actually don't mind this. i just hope that we don't spend all of our final to be days before uni starts watching movies and chilling out, and relaxing. i actually don't mind either way really.

an hour into the new day of wednesday and 3 days since holidays started i'ld like to see how i've progressed through that so called list i had put up.

instead of working through my goals at the end of yesterday and the start of today, i found myself alongside the brissie river, trying my luck at fishing yet again. the 3 or so tarwhine brought up was definately not worth the late, exhausting and wet (more like drenched) night we had endured. anyone who wasn't already sleeping on the way home had dreamt of that nice warm bed waiting.

i slept, woke up, ate and slept again. i awoke just before work. work wasn't too bad tonight. its pretty cruisy now considering the weather but even still, the grill i'm usually stuck on (not really how it sounds, i love the grill) seems more like a chore now, than it was when i first started. as a matter of fact, while scrubbing the gravy stained pan, i was shocked at how 1 year had past just like that. a year ago i was just beginning. a year ago i could barely hold a knife and was only able to cook the dip trio (pretty hard to fuck up considering it's toasted turkish bread and dips but i somehow did manage to a few times).

so smashing it home in the rain, deciding to disregard that message i sent to everyone about hanging tonight, i headed over to the sunnybank blockbuster to grab a few movies so i could enjoy this wonderful indoor night. with the pitter patter of the rain outside (yes, i'm going to use pitter patter) and that moist rain smell lingering, there's definately no better night to hang indoors. despite the fact that i'm a lonely dude anyways, its good to have a night alone to chill out and do your own stuff ay. i've been able to youtube a bit, fold the clothes which littered my floor and do my bed so i guess i can cross off....

[X] Fold the clothes
[X] Sort out hours over at Six degrees (it's going to be a fun holiday; 6 days a week)
[1/2] Borrow movies (i still haven't watched them yet)

i guess that's a start.

December, 2007
[ ] hitting up the great barrier reef
[ ] going camping somewhere
[ ] starting up and working hard on distributing company
[ ] starting to study for pharmacy subjects next year
[ ] working hard for a good month
[X] find another job or get extra hours
[ ] clean the house
[ ] sort out all the useless stuff in the house
[ ] sort out the backyard sheds
[X] buy new mower and mow the grass
[ ] fix up the boats and sell 2
[ ] get boat license
[ ] start up ebay shop
[X] go chermside shopping
[ ] go hot air ballooning
[ ] buy a car
[ ] renovate the house
[ ] fix up light in the hall way and bindis light downstairs
[X] replace all light bulbs with energy efficient ones
[ ] change all tap washers, taps and shower heads to efficient ones
[ ] go on the 12 week bondy challenge
[ ] get the car serviced
[ ] start up the garden
[ ] fix up that business plan on twentyfour
[ ] begin study on sleep
[ ] make a youtube video
[ ] make a bb.com video
[X] put up kitchen benches for mum
[ ] fix the door knobs and handles for the house
[ ] fix up all the fly screens
[X] have at least one bbq

July, 2008
[X] grab the iphone and change phone plan
[ ] make herb garden
[X] do taxes
[X] reapply for cl
[X] print out uni timetable
[X] buy uni books
[X] clean up room
[X] clean car
[X] mow the lawn
[X] burn all of arrested development
[X] grab family guy off of nick
[X] grab futurama off of trung
[X] grab how i met your mother from nick
[X] do the laundry
[ ] re-write up gym routine
[ ] borrow movies out from video ezy
[X] give cola a bath
[X] clean fish tank
[X] clean up middle room
[X] fix all tap washers
[X] go tailor fishing
[ ] go tailor fishing once more
[ ] go fishing with phuc
[X] get car serviced
[ ] buy a new ironing board

i dunno about you, but making and writing up lists is one of my favourite pastimes. i actually like writing to do lists more than doing the things on them which is pretty obvious considering the amount of stuff i've got done in my previous attempts. i can't believe that although a year has pretty much passed ever since my december list, there are still things on it that i still need to do.

having already (yes, uni will just be around the corner soon) being 2 days since my last exam and holidays officially starting i guess i've made a pretty good start. we kicked it at scarbourough the other night for a dreadful night of wetting the line (that's exactly how it was) and did a good session of having a kick and throw of the ball, followed by a feed and a dotaing/ codding on the sunday; it has been pretty eventful. none the less, if i actually did give it a little bit more time, i reckon i can get a few little bits and pieces done. this list i will call the urgency list.

there are a few differences to this list. i'll add a time frame for one, which will hopefully get me in the mood for completing them (i should do the same on the goals lists to the side). i'll try and prioritise them as well but i'll probably do that later (i'll put it on the list of to do things).

here is my november 2008 - 31st December 2008.

NOV 2008 - DEC 2008

[] Mow the lawn
[] Reformat and clean up the computer
[] Fix the computer in the sunroom
[] Clean room
[] Clean the middle room
[] Clean the far room
[] Fold the clothes
[] Clean the lounge room
[] Tile up the kitchen wall
[] Fix all tap washes (bathroom, kitchen, laundry)
[] Be able to play James Morrison - You give me something on guitar
[] Clean the car
[] Give cola a bath
[] Clean up the sheds
[] Get the boat running
[] Clean the long boat
[] Sell the long boat
[] Sell the big boat
[] Cancel ACN phone
[] Sort out hours over at Six Degrees
[] Call dad
[] Make rails for the boxing bag
[] Buy a new boxing bag/ speed ball
[] Get mum a new phone plan
[] Get cola a worm tablet
[] Fix the hallway lights
[] Fix bindis room lights
[] Go Chermside shopping
[] Clean the fish tank
[] Lose 5 kilos
[] Increase skipping to 2 minutes
[] Sort out all CDs in lounge room
[] Buy new blinds and curtains
[] Sort out gym program
[] Play basketball (dunk)
[] Organise a kick the ball around day
[] Get new blog up and running
[] Clean out youtube favourites (i've reached max favourites, my second time)
[] Go fishing
[] Borrow movies and watch them
[] Get boat license
[] Get car serviced
[] Get a new ironing board
[] Fix up fly screens
[] Fix up door handle in bathroom

Those are the few short term things I can think of to do. I should start, only after gym.

to update this thing, it's taken me a good 4 or so which has resulted in a mere addition of a few recent photos to the slide application (this was actually done last night). the majority of the 4 hours or so was spent on trying to add those little numbers to the side of your archives to indicate how many posts were made in that month. the urge for it came from viewing a few of my other mates blogs (damn, has the blogwar actually begun) where their new, update versions of templates showed that the litlte feature was quite a nifty one.

having come across the new templating update before, i decided to finally set my past aside and welcome the new with open arms hoping that it would prove to be as good as it was put out to be. it wasn't, well not really. maybe being still stuck in the past, the old blogger allowed much more modifaction in my opinion. i mean, there is always html there but why modify html when i can do so using my old template? but i guess with the bad also comes some good, especially with the easy modification of "most popular" lists and applications.

in the end, although not "completely" reverting to the past, i've been able to save all that i've changed and hopefully (although with much of my hatred for the new system), i'll be able to get the new and updated nufinspecial up in a few days. wish me luck.

i guess some things in life resembles much like that of the little air freshener hanging above me. although still being green coloured, it shows of how it used to look. it's beginning lead such a great and beautiful life, freshening the mornings air with the slight scent of fresh car smell.

as it grew older, although much less scentwise now, hints of it's past can still be recognised. the new car smell finally dissapated into a maintenace smell where life just couldn't be without. lingering whenever i was within its active radius, would be the slight change in airspace that i'ld recognize everytime.

a good 3 years later, with the smell of it resembling much of what it's been exposed to (mean farts of a few, the aroma of last nights dinner, the whiff of cola germs) it sits, motionless, highlighted under my desk lamp, still remaining as beautiful as i had remembered it the first time i got it- but different. what use is it now, that the air freshener no longer freshens the air i breathe. what more is it than a leaf shaped, green piece of cardboard?

to an instant, i've contemplated, like i did regarding the same thing whist cleaning my car one arvo. having 5 air fresheners dangling from my rear view, none of which still aquiring their main duty, i couldn't think of what i wanted to do with them. would buying a new and throwing away the old be characteristic of me, even though it were just air fresheners? or would i add the new to the old, needing of what the past had given me and not allowing me to let it go (i loved the fact that people would ask in suprise why i had soo many air fresheners).

for a second i did contemplate but i had realised that the decision had been so clear cut much longer than i had recognised. the one which sits in my room sits independently, alone, it sits with no other, not like the ones in my car. there is only one which sits in my room which has filled the air, a much larger volume, of freshness. this one has no similarity in shape, nor form, nor brand to those i described before.

i did what was right. it will sit on top of my rubbish filled bin, it's plastic tag which held it will dangle lifelessly over the edge of it. i will find a new one tomorrow, and hope, that it will give me the joy and happiness one once gave me.

Jason mraz - Please don't tell her

(lyrics are a little different in the live version)

I hear she's kickin ass across the board and rock two hundred thousand higher scorer
Just in time to save the world of being taken over
She's a warrior
I couldn't play again because the game it never end it never even landed on the can
And never let me in to spend my quarter
There's no love for me no more

Say it isn't so
How she easily come, how she easy go
Please don't tell her that I miss her
Because I don't

She was the girl with the broadest shoulders
But she would die before I crawled over them
She is taller than I am
She knew I wouldn't mind the view there
Or the altitude with a mouth full of air
She let me down and doubt came out until the now became later

Say that it isn't so
How she easily come, how she easy go
Please don't tell her that I've been meaning to miss her
Because I don't
Not for her
It's not that I'm mad to forgive
Forget what I said

That I'm crazy like the rest of us
And I'm crazier when I'm next to her, ha

So why after the all of everything that came and went
I care enough to still be singing of the bitter end and broken eras
I told you I don't but
I am only trying to be the best with my intent to cure
The rest is sure to lay me ease the plural hurts of the words of reverse psychology
That's easier said
Easier than done
Please don't dare tell her what I've become
Please don't mention all the attention I have drawn
Please don't bother cause she'll feel guilty when I'm gone

Because I'm crazy like the rest of us
And I'm crazier when I'm next to her
And it's amazing how she's self-assured
And I know she'd hate me if she knew my words
Do I hurt anymore
Do I hurt, well
I don't
I don't
I don't

so with 3 down already, and going down pretty alright might i add, there are two more, one of which sits on 60% of my total grade although being maths based, doesn't seem to conern me too much, and the other, i reckon i can get by without studying. nonetheless, i'll probably cram hard tonight even though pharmkinetics is on the friday. see how it goes tonight, i might just go as hard as i can.

feeeling pretty good at the moment. am actually back into the study mentality again; those last two exams (pharmacology and physiology) completely wrecked me ay. post monday exam and yesterday was a pretty good time to relax and chill out wif the hangings so it was pretty cool.

two more to go, so i guess being down hill now, i shouldn't start putting on the brakes just as yet. here's something which carried me today. i share a jason mraz song and a few photos from last night. if your still on exams, good luck to you, if your done i hope you start to get ready for my completion cause it's gonna get hectic. see you on the other side; as martin has said.

yes, even though i'm pretty stuffed both physically and mentally, i still have some slight thought of optimism where i hope for shits that tomrorows exam will consist of mostly questions from pde-5, oral contraceptives and glucocorticoids, i know for a fact that there won't be. 12 hours ago, i sat in this same spot. now, although i'm still sitting here, i've crammed by memorisation 2 lectures and a good concentration of caffeine if intravenously ejected, would probably concide with the highest levels i've ever experienced (hell, i can feel the palpitations of my heart increasing as we speak).

by 12 oclock i'm hoping to finish thyroid drugs. with the memorisation of pde-5 lectures, i'll probably try and revise them along with the sars of the ANS and histamine. by maybe around 4, lipids will end. to freaking hell with asthma and COPD, i hopefully (to hope is little of what i am describing) will be able to cope without it. i'm not just pretty stuffed, what i'm in can be described as "stuff" cyclically re-administerred up my backside, that's how stufffed i am. there still is optimism.

only one more day to study for physiology. just woke up, gonna grab a bottle of water and then stay in here all day. wish me luck. let procrastination bring me back here.

man, WHY was i stupid enough to accept a shift for the vale tonight? with exams just round the corner (well, it's much more than around the corner), i still can't figure out what made me want to work tonight. i think it may have been the fact that working tonight gives me only 2 or so days to study for my oral exam on tuesday and that that pressure gives me some urgency to study. it's pretty stupid i know, but that's just how it works for me, the stress of being under pressure.

i seriously can't wait till saturday 15; here we come holidays.

till then all i can say is, here we come the infinitable amounts of v, red bull, and any other type of caffeinated beverages/ pills/ powders and the many hours of missed sleep.

to the counselling on tuesday 4, physiology on saturday 8, pharmacology on monday 10, pharmacokinetics on friday 14 and pharmacy practice on saturday 15 ..... fuck you, nah....