nothing special

taken from http://www.motivationalmemo.com/

Who would of thought I would be wearing even a shirt at this time of year. December 21st, a couple of weeks into the Queensland summer and it's cold outside. The moon in the night sky is shining bright, stars a-lit and the air is soft, light, and cool. If I had just woken up from a fair couple of months slumber, I would probably have thought I'd slept a few months more.

The change in the weather is actually something I would of looked forward to much more if I had knew it were coming and that I didn't have work to attend. Either things were unpreventable but I guess with summer being so unpredictable, it could of just rained another day and that would be it. But I guess with even the few hours I've had to really experience it, it's made me feel slightly tingly inside; good tingly that is.

Work happenings today were pretty unpredictable as well. Monday nights are usually clean up and prep nights where I would be cleaning stoves and changing foils and then preping for the week of cooking. But as uncertain as the food industry and it's consumers are these days, we were pretty constant throughout the night. Even after the total blackout we had which left only the gas burners a light, people were still wanting to come in for a feed. I'm not quite sure how dinner by a candle-light makes you feel but cooking by candle-light made me feel fairly content for some odd reason. Without the fridges buzzing, and the fans producing the noise fans make, it was just me, my gas and the clanking of the pans.

The sounds heard in the kitchen are often clouded by the noises of the circuits. Very rarely do you get to hear the jets of the blue flamed stoves nor the sound onions make when they hit the pan. Even the droplets of oil are heard, the minute sounds they make are quite magnificent. Cooking in the dark made me feel like myself. It felt like I was on a stage but no-one was watching, it was just me in an empty room, doing what I was doing. It was kind of strange but it was a good feeling.

The lights turned on about a half an hour later and all returned to normal. Even Tien missed the quietness of the silences so I guess it's not just me who's a little mental. I spent time at the gym in a much similar fashion, I've actually been in the same sort of state for the past couple of weeks now to be honest. Once my music pumps I feel like I'm alone, that I've only got myself to impress. People who walk past me or look at me, or even brush against me don't get a second look, or a first in that fact. By 12 o'clock I'm usually in the gym by myself anyway, and I get to enjoy the ambient sounds of silence, and the freedom I have having the whole gym to myself.

I had a couple of flicks at my favourite spot down on the river. With much of fresh getting into the system, I wasn't too optimistic but with the moon so bright and the sky so clear, it was just the perfect opportunity to get some fresh air and admire the surroundings. I decided to take the inside road home today and what a trip it was. Windows down and music pumping, I admired the hundreds of lights above me when I drove under the Christmas decorations in Southbank. It reminded me of those scenes in Canadian movies where people were seen running through streets littered with maple leaves. It reminded me of the scene specifically from Big fish when the main character joins the circus, funky Christmas lights used to light the grounds.

I drove by Jetts in Annerley and scouted for more dedicated people than myself. I found no-one.

I think I've become much more independent these days, a much longed shift from being more of less lonely. I enjoy this feeling.

Do you ever get the feeling that when times get hard, you seem to be the only person fending it? Does it ever feel like no-one can really understand what your going through and those that say they do are lying?

At times when I feel like I'm living each day to try and survive the next, it seems as if I'm all alone. It seems that I'm stuck in a place where unless I work as hard as I can, there may be a possibility of losing my job to someone who wants it more. I sit here and wonder, whether the harder I work actually benefits me or just makes someone else richer?

Yesterday we caught up with an old friend. Janice and I joined Christos (an old Greek friend from state high) for a fishing session down the coast; showing him how Viets do it. Its always amazing how great friendships endure the tests of time. The reunion of old friendships whether good or bad can be represented by the duration between the sight of each other and the first words. I always find joy in the look in their eyes, their familiar expressions and familiar feelings.

Its funny how there's usually a higher pitch voice associated with mostly incomprehensible words and sounds to help express our feelings. Oi's and awwws and much profanity exisits in the initial stages of dialogue but after the double handed hand shake which may or may not lead to a hug (depending on how close you are), or a straight hug (which signifies a much closer friendship), words seem to make more sense. I was amazed at how much he hadn't changed and I'm assuming he thought the same with me.

Janice popped out of the passenger seat and after the usual questions and answers we were off to the coast for what ended up as another memorable sunday session; another story for another blogging. What prompted this blog with such a provocative title describes of my rather opposite opinion to that of the portrayed, that is of much appreciation and respect for the first generation of Australian occupied immigrants. Our parents.

I have until now often mis-represented the words immigrants thinking that only the Vietnamese were represented. I’d forgotten that Australia is a country comprised of much multiculturalism which is vastly represented by immigrants seeking asylum from their mother country in hope for a better future for their families. Christos helped me realize that there are many of us whom are born from first generation Australian immigrants. He made me realize that my parents weren’t the only people who worked under the sun for very little, every single day, to get us to where we are now.

We talked alot about what life has chucked at us through the years since graduating highschool. He’s a painter now and aspires to own his own business in the next couple of years. When talking about family friends and relatives, he describes that the Greek community is very tight with everyone knowing everyone, a most probable result of his recent blooming romance with his childhood sweetheart. Not unlike myself and Janice, he explains of the hardships involved in day to day life which relates to just how I’ve been feeling. As it seems, he too feels the pressures of day to day life of juggling work to pay the bills to stay alive. Working 7 days a week to look after his mum whom all I can say is not as healthy as she was 20 years ago, it seems that it’s not just myself that seems to fending off problems with a big long stick.

Sometimes I wonder if we really do appreciate how much we’ve gotten as a result of what our parents have done for us. I wonder if the hardwork we’ve put in so far has benefited us in anyway or just made someone else richer. I think about it again and I think that without hardwork there is no reward, we may not be free from the hardships of today but we can at least learn to appreciate how much our parents have given to us so we can provide a better future for our future generations.

Maybe it is for them to know appreciation rather than have to experience it. Maybe it's not such a good thing?

A memory is like salt; the right amount brings out the flavour but too much ruins it. If you live in the past all the time, you'll find yourself with no present to remember.

Am I old?

So alright, I'm at home now after a more than typical night which usually ends with a drive home from an hour and a half session at the gym. Finishing work a little earlier than usual and cutting short after work conversations with Tien, I hurried over to the gym to smash my shoulder workout.

I feel proud to say that today, I have lost 20 kilos since the first time I started at Jetts. When the scale read 101.8 I was absolutely ecstatic. It jumped to 102 flat, and although I was a little dissapointed, I was still pretty happy. The last week and a half of carb cycling cut 4 kilos, a little extreme I guess but with the morning cardio and major changes in my nutrition, I'm suprised I didnt lose more.

As soon as I got off the scale, it was shoulders until the clock read something between half an hour to forty-five minutes later. The rush with time was due to a mates bucks party I was intending to attend. To be real honest, I absolutely hate the whole clubbing and bar scene and with the change in lifestyle with gym, alcohol wasnt really on my mind either. But to keep friendships fresh I really wanted to see the guys for a quick catch up and a little sacrifice was needed.

I cut ten minutes off of my cardio and I felt so bad. I kept finding excuses to not go, thus the main reason I went for a workout. I brought my usual 'going out' attire along in the car and figured that if I survived work and then got absolutely smashed at the gym and still felt like going, I would be able to. On the treadmil I texted the boys to see if it were still worth coming. Given that they had texted me all night convincing me to come say hi, the following texts didnt seem too enthusiastic. Roy was real keen to see me so I decided to go meet up with them.

The drive through the valley continuously reminded me why I hated the whole scene so much. I parked and then walked through the young valley crowd to meet up with about 20 guys, familiar faces scattered within the unfamiliar. It was great to see all the A blocks guys again and how they reacted when they saw me reminded me why I loved them so much. A little mingle and I was convinced to pay 20 bucks upon entry to a (I am very disgraced to say), titty bar. Apparently thats what bucks parties are all about, so that I'm told, and I guess if I were to catch up with the guys, a little sacrifice was to be made? Yeah, I didnt enjoy it...or did I?

Roy had me for the door which I hesitated greatly but I paid him back by giving Ross drink money so he could pass it on to him for me. I did so when I dropped the guys off in the city after leaving the bar 10 minutes later and the valley a whole 20 or so minutes after arriving. I VTECed out of the city, jumped on the highway with John Mayer blasting, windows down and had feelings of independence and freedom, not loneiness.

I think I have confirmed my oldness or rather posession of some old-like properties just from the conclusion of my night out. Why is it that I enjoy getting out of my slacks and a button up shirt and into boxers and abs (scrap that last one). Why is it that I enjoy making myself a tuna sandwich and a protein shake and then sharing it with my other best friend who isn't human and can't speak, more than being out with the guys at a much much too loud for my liking, nightclub? Why is it that I think nightclubs are too loud?

But does that make me old? In a sense I feel that I've grown up a little more but then again, there was never really a time I can remember when I was young, well for long anyway. I'm not exactly feeling that it's such a bad thing. I always remember a saying, your only as old as you feel and although I seem like an old man, I guess I've just got different hobbies and opinions to the majority of those my age. I feel that the endless enduring work nights have had some effect in shaping how I feel these days aswell; where the first thing on my mind upon finishing is going home to sleep.

I think my lifestyle change to help me live longer has also shifted my priorities. Maybe there are better things in life than waking up hungover from a night of annihilating your insides with impurities and killing your body with insufficient sleep.

There definately is. I like being an old bastard.

So I've had a slight chip in my heart these past couple of days but I'm doing okay. Other than being slightly more motivated to blog a little more often, the side effects of cardiac broken-ness are prevented by keeping my mind occupied with things that make me feel happy.

We went to the springbrook mountains sunday just passed and other than having the usual great day out with the usual gang, it was definately a great experience, one which I've summoned a number of times to help me get through till our next memorable outting. The glow worms were absolutely amazing even though their peak light projection occurs near the end of December. I've always been fascinated by bioluminescence and intend to definately revisit once the mushrooms, trees and fireflies light up the forest.

Everyone feels a little crushed when fantasies are confirmed as such. I'm pretty corny in a way that my mind always tries to create the most 'romantic' scenario ever imaginable with absolutely anything that stimulates it.

The idea of fireflies let me conjure of a night which would only be lit by the luminescence of bioluminescences. The ground glows from millions of needle sized fungus and leads to a path ending under a mushroom covered tree, atop a green grassy hill which glows a dull pink colour. The street light like projections from under the pan sized symbiotic growths of the tree highlight a neatly spreaded blanket, and a basket full of food. Once the food has been eaten and we lie there, the fireflies surround us, and the pulsating of the glow worms in the distant caves synchronise with the dull thuds in our chests.

This was my little picnic for whoever wanted to join me. I always find amusement when I get lost in my own fantasies. It's even better when there is someone I create them for but I guess reality is kind of a buzz kill, especially when your a lost and hopeless romantic like myself. In saying that though, I'm not as depressed as you might think I am. Upon googling synonyms for heartbreak which definately isnt what I'm feeling, words such as despair, heartsickness, agony of mind and wretchedness definately do not describe how I feel.

Like I said previously, the chip is probably 1/100th of the heart which correlates to maybe a tenth of real sadness (saddness?). I'm more relieved that things turned out this way rather than getting further confounded within my thinkings.

I guess I'll just have to wait for someone else who wants to have sandwichs in the world of glow. Hope I don't have to wait too long though....

Its a little depressing when things dont turn out the way you want them to, especially when you've put so much effort into creating something that was just not meant to be. But I guess thats life and you move on. Well, human emotions and doings have quite a way of hindering the processes of 'moving on' which leads me to my point of question, why?

I'm not exactly questioning why we become so attached to things but rather, the selectivity of attachment. There are many things I have put in the past and never looked back such as terrible grades, some pretty damn embarrassing experiences and in general, the occasional fuck ups life brings. But the one thing I've never been able to let go of and forget are relationships. From the very bad relationships I've had in my life to the best ones, I can honestly say that there hasnt been a day that has gone by without me thinking of at least one of these relationships.

Apart from the frequent wonderings of the guys and Janice and what they're up to, the rest of my mind usually circulates the thoughts of bad relationships or friendships (if you want to describe them as that). I usually ponder on what could of been if things happened differently or the timing was a little better, or if that hand of fate slightly changed courses of direction. I think of ways I could make exisiting relationships better and how to re-ignite passed ones. These thoughts occasionally are acted upon and till this day there are only a handful of relationships that I havent been able to mend; theres probably one in particular which has sparked this post however....

Like I've said before and will continue saying, factor for dissapointment and you will never be suprised. Everyone will dissapoint you at least once, it just depends how much you can take before you come to a stage where you question whether its really worth all the effort. Maybe, maybe not?

Its a maybe for me.

And thats probably the answer to my question above; the selectivity of attachment probably has something to do with what makes you you. I've always had a mind to want to fix broken things, from physically broken objects, broken relationships, broken hearts (although the mending of the latter isnt an occasional happening). But thats just me and how I've been brought up. Call it a mild case of OCD if you must but I've always had a need to fix things, broken things just irritate me. Although not directly the product of the olden, since mum has a slight problem with confrontation and would rather let things run their course; I've found ways around this more or less hereditary trait and often question whether the mutation is of benifit.

I feel that life should'nt be all about worrying how to fix the broken things in life but rather embracing that they onced existed and to understand that it is normal for wear and tear to occur as well as damage which cannot be replaced. In saying this, I guess if I wasnt such a hypocritical idiot, life would be alot simpler.

What do you do hey. Im working towards it.

Repititon; the act or an instance of repeating or being repeated, as described by wiki-dictionary, is pretty much what life seems to be for me these days. I've never realised how much of a routine I actually follow until recently seeing where I stand in the progress of both personal and physical development.

Tonight when the scales showed 103.4, I realised that in 8 months I've managed to work towards a goal that I never thought would be possible. 8 months of hard lifting, exhausting cardio and the same routine, day in and day out and day in and day out, has led to a total weight loss of 19 kilos, 10 centimeters off my waist circumference and from what I see looking back at me in the mirror, a much more happy Ly.

Switching up my diet to help me cut a little more body fat, I look back and a week has already passed. I started with thoughts of disatisfaction and dreadingness when the taste of plain can tuna and little to no carbs replaced my more than moderate amounts of carbohydrates and saturated fats (I've actually been eating pretty cleanly, with the bad lipids coming from the unoccasional feed at the big k).

Every morning starts with a teeth brushing followed by a protein shake. I added a chore afterwards and in completing the majority of housework on and off of my to do's, my acquired energy is now put to a half an hour session of cardio. I now do cardio and any exisiting chores; its quite suprising how a little effort put into everyday can change pretty much your whole day, in my case, for the better.

Both your body and mind work conjunctively to develop habits, to break habits the mind is always the one you must conquer inititally but once you take control of it, the body does the rest of the work. I have trouble sleeping after work unless I've lifted and I have trouble staying awake in the morning unless I've done my session of cardio. Your body is a very adaptive system and with a little effort and some repititon, I guess the sky and the deepest undiscovered seas are the limit.

So not having a computer isnt so bad, days seem more productive with less youtubing and bumming on forums looking up mostly useless stuff. The majority of the important things are easily accessed through my phone and apart from typing a little slower without a proper keyboard, nothing much is different.

I like having no computer to be honest. Not only does it allow me to be more productive, I reckon I've saved a fair few dollars not having it on twenty four seven. Having the great timing of computer annihlation just before exams, the latter couldnt be said with the ps2 breaking just when exams finished.

So currently, unless I'm outside on the couch with my trustee hard-drive media player, I'm not only computer-less, but am dvd watching-less. It gets boring after a hard night of work and iron especially when my only haven is taken away by the snoring annoyance that is the little sister; ffs shes sleeping with her 'laptop' playing episodes of modern family anyways, the new episodes I'd have to add, the ones I would be able to watch if my computer was working! Such is life isnt it?

But on the topic of annoying people, my last post describes of my top three most hated pet peeves. The boys and I had a good discussion about attributes that tick us off about people and where a stranger starts off before a relationship is established. Janice ranks everyone on a dislike scale before even meeting them. Phuccie reckons everyone starts on neutral ground with him and not many people move from there. The opposite on the scale was represented by tatey when Janice described his relationship with people starting at best friend until proven otherwise, they are only given one chance however. Although I couldnt say I'm much the same as any of them, I do believe that people must prove themselves before they progress much further than just accomplices. I explained to them that although they must prove their worthiness, once worthy, the friendship increases exponentially. Im still to figure out how I deal with dissapointment and fuck ups. To be honest, everyone stuffs up and if you recover from it, most instances things that stuffed it up, will never happen again, and the memory of it is never mentioned. To be honest, I'm not a grudge holding type of guy, I'm actually quite forgiving as I see no benefit from wasting energy to be angry when you could be happy and carefree. But I guess in similarity to tateys view on friendship, theres always the benefit of the doubt. I question whether there is a limit to the amount of chances you give though, but in the end, if people dont appreciate the friendship then I guess its best to let them on their way.

On other more positive news, I'm still on a little high with the completion of my first 5 days of holidays since exams finished. With old friends buzzing to catch up with me, the completion of security for ever ever (at the moment anyway) and the general holiday happy happenings (chilling with the guys down the coast, late night soft serve runs, front lawn gutter sitting convos, etc), today life seems fairly swell. I've made sure I make the most out of these holidays with the start of the day, ensuring I brush my teeth and chug down a protein shake. For some reason, doing these little things to begin my day has helped me extend it. I'll see if I can add a chore a day, I'll definately get alot more done that's for sure.

I'm buggered. Good night people with a nose biscuit full of tipsy chooks.

stupid people, softcocks and liars....i hates these

Yesterday was the first time since last year that i got absolutely smashed on the rummies. Today ive experienced one of the worst workouts since last year and ive concluded through my awesome skills of deductive reasoning that it must of been my inability to drink enough; couldnt have been the rummies thats for sure. On the note of gym, the terrible workout has in a positive sense, showed me how far ive come since my first visit to the gym.

Although my goal of reaching a hundred kilos is still slightly out of reach and the visibility of abdominals shouldnt even be mentioned about, my waist circumference is finally in a healthy range and my levels of energy can be portrayed pretty accurately by the redbull ads, its like ive got wings!

Its that time of year again where celebrations begin and planning for celebrations are in action. I love this time of year, even though it indicates that only after conquring the demons that are the end of year exams, I'd be able to start living the plans myself.

Ive been a uni whore the past couple of days, trying to cram my brain with some more pharmacy practice lectures. My attempt to study at home after a fairly good attempt at making the house study friendly failed miserably when i forgot to factor in my easy accessibility for my bed and the sleep associated furniture i.e the couch. With my computer busted again through some awful godforsaken son of a beeech virus, the study nights out at gardens point seemed at times hindered with much more efficient hand to desktop cursor and finger to letter actions rather than the finger pointer and simultaneous texting thumb typers.

But it hasnt been all that bad to be honest. Ive definately been alot more productive this semester round and even though id be hardpressed to regurgitatate word for word the adverse reactions of all the wonderful drugs of dyslipedmia, heart failure, erectile dysfunction etc, and other need to remember for exam information, i feel pretty confident that ill do ok. "Wtf am i saying..."

On non failing university exams news, i think i might be in love,.....again. But its probably not what you think, well not exactly. I think from the progressive improvements ive made these past couple of weeks things seem to have become more,- lovable. It seems that with improved energy and motivation from the regular gym nights and the slow but noticable sexy improvements, have added about 2 tenths into my tank of happys. The reduction of time spent bumming around either on the net or in front of the digital screens have made me become a little more productive and with accomplishing much more, i seem to be more satisfied as days come to ends. The relations seem to be all in order and some, so i guess if im not in a good mood at the moment, there wouldnt be much else that could made me happy.

Ive started to throw the words fate and destiny around a fair bit these days although i still believe that working hard to find your wanting will always trump the abilities of fate, well, 80-20 i reckon. But with regards to 'my' recent experiences of destiny and fate, i reckon that more than nothing, things happen for a reason. I lost 40 bucks last week when i was trying to be a rich guy....cont.

These past couple of days have taught me one very valuable lesson; that is dreams are no more than lost causes unless they are acted upon.

Ive said one too many times of how this year will be different, or i wll try harder or pronounce some arsehole full of shit of a statement and return a few blogs later with a comparable excuse of why things haven't worked out.

Phuccie and martez made me realize that I've been going by it all wrong. They made me realize that my priorities are fairly out of proportional to one another and that by striving to accomplish so much, other goals have began to be forgotten, or given less effort. Not that it was that easy to make me recognize my problems, i admit, it was only after a ,n hour long talk and then some back at home did i believe some truth.

My personality and my second self has always been a planner, and an obsessive one at that. I can definitely see my accomplishments through my compulsive planning but very much so do the disappointment of the unachievable. The guys and i analyzed my life and concluded with work, uni and the boys. What a life it is to be summed up in three words i thought, its really hard to accept that my life only comprises of this much at the moment. They tried to convince me that to many people, Ive got enough goals to work towards let alone adding others such as investments, extra curricular activities and such. In the end it was more about money and how we could make some more.

I just found it hard to accept that there was little else i could do to improve my finances other than working pretty much full time with uni, the sixer and security on the side. I told the boys that routines are always hardest at the beginning no matter how easy or complicated they are. Starting uni for instance after a whole quarter of a year off seems like a fairly dreadful affair but a few weeks in, it feels easy. Then follows work, then more hours, then some and then your at my stage. I'm so used to the timetable i have now, i could skim through weeks and not realize how long its really been.

I was in a fair disagreement with the blokes about how i had lost the motivation to do more yet complained about not achieving my dreams. Fairly contradictory i have to agree but i guess it was more about losing motivation because life this year hasn't been the greatest, considering just how much hard work Ive put in it. I'm just agitated at how complicated life can get, if i were to concentrate on uni, who would pay the bills, if i concentrate of work, who is going to look after my mum in a few years when I'm stuck with a dead end job just to get myself through life...

I admit, I haven't always been great at looking at the bigger picture and it was only after a few unfortunate events that Ive realized that once you've dusted yourself off from crawling in the dirt on your hands and knees, there's someone else who starts to kneel. Once you've reached the lowest point in your life and you've dug so deep to get through it, there's someone whose gone deeper, who have been lower. Its fairly ironic how i can preach of how much hard work and sacrifice Ive put into gym to achieve so much and not apply it to other aspects of my life.

A good mate quoted; tough times never last, tough people do and it is this that holds so much truth. Tough times never last longer than they are supposed to, life actually is pretty fair, it just depends on how you look at it.

Yeah, so it hasn't been that great.

It's been a little hard to stay positive these days with the bombardment of things not to look forward to but time still passes so I guess that's okay.

Uni started two weeks ago but my first attendance was a week and a half later. It's always a little harder getting back into routine with an already busy schedule of work so I guess it's just a little normal to feel overwhelmed. This semester already seems like a challenging one with the first lecture on drug interactions confusing my already lost brain. I started placement this week and it's been pretty full on. My preceptor chucked me in the deep end; something I was tipped about after Trung told me a pre-reg quit because she was too strict. I actually like it to be honest, I mean, you don't learn anything if your spoon fed.

The drug rehabilitation program they have at the pharmacy really opened my eyes. I am definitely not as judgmental as I was before only really recognizing that the majority of drug abusers are normal people like you and me; everybody deserves a second chance. The experience also motivated me to seriously look deep into myself and figure out what I needed to change. Life may seem to be moving forward but much like muscle fibers under different conditions, more intensity and stress will lead to more growth. There's always something better and I'm trying hard to find it..my second chance perhaps?

Prepare for failure and you will always succeed.

When you understand that everyone will let you down; you will never be disappointed.

It begins even before I start to lift any weight. As the arginine causes nitric oxide to begin dilating my blood vessels and the creatine and amino acids I ingest beforehand start to make it's way into saturating the muscle cells, my core body temperature rises; it begins.

Between shutting my car door and walking the 3 or so sets of stairs to my haven of hell, all I can think of is how much pain I will be in and how much I will enjoy every second of it. The door closes behind me after the distinguished beep of my card swiping across the scanner. People naturally stare at whom has entered but I am not fazed as a quick click of my ipod sends rumbles of drum and bass to my ears, my silence.

No time is wasted, but the 5 or so minutes of moderate incline walking to warm up seems to pass by in an instant. A quick piss and I am already in front of myself, holding the weights to start my first set.

Here we go.

Rep after rep, set after set, exercise after exercise; and I'm only at front lifts. The drop sets on the beginning militaries absolutely wrecked and thoughts of completing this session begin to dim. The pain becomes unbearable by the second set of lifts but knowing that success only lies in reps past failure, I push on. 11, 12, one more, are the last things recovered from the previous set and it's time to finish. The twelve sets of militaries, and front lifts with varying grips prepare me for the second half of deltoids exercises. If this was pain, I didn't want to imagine what would come next.

A superset of lateral lifts and rack shrugs was about to put me on my arse. As the fuckwits behind me are laughing and throwing medicine balls are each other, my vision is tunneled; I'm surprised I actually noticed them. The set gets heavy and as I hesitate to go heavier for the next set, it still gets done. The third set sends me into hyperventilation but the torture is nearly over. It's a drop set on the last weight on the stack, and rack shrugs to failure. It's over, well, it's downhill from now anyway.

The bar militaries and reverse delt flies go by undisturbed and without too much drama. The slight pump in the biceps from the laterals end the weights on cable curls and off to the treadmill to warm down. I restart my playlist and it begins again. With lactic acid still present there's still lasting pain until 10 or so minutes have passed. A moderate incline walk on 5 speed saturates my already wet shirt and the halo of heat and stench which radiates from me makes me think what other people think and how much I didn't care. To get by every minute, I occupy my mind with quotes of those whom have succeeded. I think of how they got there and how I will make my own way there. 35 minutes later and my session is over.

Standing cold and clotheless in a freezing shower, I only think of what I can do better next time. 'I'll vary my grip for an extra set of lifts and increase my cardio another 5 minutes next session'. With a protein shake in hand- extra dextrose for nutrient delivery, I walk down the 3 sets of stairs after a distinguished beep of the door closing behind me and sit down in my car after closing it.

This is my life now. Am I obsessed; probably, but success stems from obsession

I will succeed.

“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat.” – Theodore Roosevelt

If it is important to you, you will find a way. If not, you’ll find an excuse.

Those who never take risk will never have to worry about success.

Going to absolutely smash chest today!

The coldness of the winter has put a slightly more lonesome feeling in the air these days. Most of my deepest emotional memories stemmed from previous chilly winters so maybe that's got something to do with it. With the majority of the fellas still busting their brains to endure the last of their exams, this may have also been a contribution to the loneliness. The first week of the holidays passed by with catch up work and gym. Work has been great and gym as been awesome. Life to be honest couldn't be much better but then again I'm usually on a high during the colder months. The crisp winter air and clear cloudless blue and black starry skies of the days and nights respectively, to me, portrays what winter really should be like.

I love the feeling of being on top of a cold bed under a woolen blanket before the bed gets warm. I am never bothered to put on socks unless I'm already wearing them so the stretching of tracky dacks (or the sacrifice for bum warmth) usually presents some warmness for the little digits.

Along with the warm and cosy experience of winter that keeps me even warmer and fuzzier inside, I feel that most people seem less stressed and less irritated in general. Winter to me feels like the season of love, where it feels awesome to be around loved ones and even the thought of being with someone brings warmth into the insides.

I've made sure to make the most out of these winter holidays (If only our Christmas break were around winter, it'd make it even better). Finishing up about a week and a half ago, I've realised that it is only now that the guys and girls are finally catching up to completing exams themselves. I maintained a 106.7 after the week or so of cramming every night on the Maltesers and Micky D Mcnuggets so i guess all I've really done is changed the ratio between fat and muscle. It was definitely felt when i tried pushing 32.5 with much effort after doing 8 on 40kg dumbbells only a week or so before. But I've upped the cardio in response and hit the work hole up a few more days a week to get the muscles back to remembering what weight they used to do. I'm slowly getting my to do list things from years back done now and its kind of sad knowing how long half the things on that list had dragged out to.

I hit the wreckers to finally complete the jigsaw that was my car. After a solid effort I got to obtain an air con bracket off of a donor Honda accord, I seriously cannot wait to have air con again; now time to actually install the thing...its on my to do.

Ive been pretty content this past week or so. Actually, its probably more on the side of actual happiness to be honest. There have been a few things which have ticked me off lately but seemed to passed by pretty unnoticed hey. Phuccies' advice is to always see the bad days or weeks out and make sure that the next are better; I have bad hours now. Life has been very good to me but then again, its probably just how I've dealt with it lately. There have been other aspects of life which have been going in a better direction these days although I think it was only one thing that kicked it all off. I don't like to think that one single significant other has changed my thoughts about the majority of things in life but it definitely has had an effect.

Every time I'm online its her face book that I look at, not so much as to read her comments but just so i could see her. I made sure I attended every tutorial this year, not just for the fact that it was compulsory (I've skipped them before) but for the possibility of glancing over in a random moment to have her glance back at me. Obsessed you may think but to me even a slight smile from a random person can cheer up my day; let alone a glance from one whom was part of my history. I guess this is just another story to add to the woeful collection of broken love that encompasses my life, sarcasm? Its such a sad answer, no.

Life two weeks since the beginning of this post (its taken me that long to get here since I post whenever I can by adding bits and pieces on my phone) seems much more complicated than the once aforementioned. Today, although I'm fairly content, it was only recently that money problems seemed to have resolved. I'm kind of sick of having negative money every time a bill month comes round but i guess its a real relief once the month is over.

At night I cant even close my eyes without having several things keep them open. I have seemed to be stuck on the thoughts of three different relationships at the moment. The first one describes of actual problems which have arisen through my attempt to fix it. It still puzzles me how a simple gesture to get a friend to come and catch up isn't as appreciated as you'd think. Maybe its just me, maybe out of all the effort its not me that's meant to benefit, but then again, if shes happy, then I guess that's good enough.

TBC

Life at the moment...

PHARMACEUTICS LECTURES AND I AM DONE!

Hopefully.....

This is what uni has turned my life into.

So the days have all become merged into one duration of long-ness. Night-time seems to replace the day however the overlapping of sleep and awakening sometimes get hard to distinguish between. There are only a few things on my once preservative free mind which is now filled with so much caffeine I feel like I might actually just die. Nope.

As I'm sitting here typing, I'm glad that the majority of my exams are over. I absolutely smashed my oral Monday just past however nothing to be very proud of considering I've already done the unit once before. I was reminded by how disappointed I was at myself every time I flipped through a lecture and wondered whether I'd make the same mistake ever again; I concluded probably yes.

With one more exam till I'm officially on holidays, it's not the exam which occupies the majority of my thinkings. My Efil at the present moment seems very swell. Not having work for the past couple of weeks makes for a very good break. Having actually set aside money in preparation for the vacation (hardly), I've enjoyed the fact that work hasn't been essential for surviving for once.

I am a very happy person today which can be attributed to a long string of happy times spanning the past couple of months. 'Life seems to have more substance' I said to a good friend (much less closer now but close nonetheless). It seems that I've become more open and confident but it's hard to pinpoint how I've gotten here (Martin and Phuccies' wise advice maybe?). As with the more positive outlook to life, I think the main things have been the surrounding of friends and family and the catch up of the few that I missed (not forgotten).

May there also be a someone who has helped me see the sun behind rain, the moon behind the clouds? The stars? Probably, probably not but maybe? Yeoooooww!

A couple of things seem to be going alright at the moment.

Just reached 700 plus views on my first fishing report, 400 + on my second less interesting follow up, 106.8 on the scales and my first awarded achievement since high school when I got best forward (yeah, 3rds mate, nothing to be really proud of).

I think this can of mother's just making me giddy; last lecture to go for pharmacy oral preparation...

What do you know, the final one is Oral health.

Ciao!

Can't believe I won this! Pretty stoked hey, check it out if your ever in need to read 10,000 words or so....http://www.brisbanefishing.com.au/competitions/report-of-the-month/446-2010-may-lemax-report-of-the-month-winner

There's always one thing that you promise to not think about and always do. For most people its regrettable memories or bad thoughts you wished never occurred.

At the moment, it's a few good memories which I have failed to forget. It saddens me when I know of better times and that when the little things are taken for granted, it usually doesn't last too long...

But contrary to this, I'm happy that a new beginning has arrived. It's made me think of the things I missed so I can cherish it much more than I once did. It's made me think of the things I should do differently or keep the same.

But most of all, it's made me think of how happy I have become;

'smile,; only the memory of your smile is all I need to pass each day,.. each week,... each month....

So this is my first post on my first technological advancement since my laptop computer. I just recently got myself a Nokia n900 after completely wrecking my n95. It now sits alongside my once upgraded gadgets comprising of an MD player I bought on eBay and random mp3 players and digital cameras which, due to the update of operating software, make them terribly hard to find drivers for. Sometimes I hate how fast technology advances....

This past week and a half has been one with a couple of firsts for me. Ever since my last post, I seriously cannot remember what I've done with my time until the past week or so. Two weeks suddenly just passed by which may have been due to work at the sixer starting again. Actually, that's probably it.

So I started work again and apart from the fact that I'll be able to survive again, my new found passion for cooking has made the whole work environment a lot better endured. The saying fresh is best is no lie. I've found motivation for cooking and as a result have been playing with my food a fair bit; before cooking it of course. I've started to experiment with a lot of ingredients these days which may have been due to going grocery shopping for the first time in a month or so (mum looks after us pretty good). Copying a fellow chef, I used Rosemary to make Rosemary skewered prawns which were pan fried in butter. Absolutely beautiful when he made it, absolutely not awesome when I made it at home with month old frozen prawns.

Work has overlapped into time at home when I'm trying to think of new ways to cook and eat chicken breasts. I guess it's not so much as described as work as I'm enjoying it but the habit of having my tea towel draped across my shoulder and the need to clean up dishes after finishing doesn't seem to stray too far; I think it's a good habit.

In talking about food at home, the chicken breasts, tuna and protein shakes have allowed me to dust off another couple of kilograms, sitting me on 109kgs after training. For the first time since high school, I am under 110kg and am loving absolutely every moment of it. My energy levels have been a lot higher and my overall mood has been a much more positive outlook to life. I'm not in the best shape nor am I the prettiest (even though I'd like to think otherwise) but just having someone notice that I've lost some weight or say I look a bit better, just makes everything seem more worth it. Thanks mum. :S

....and all my wonderful mates.

Uni life has been great. I've been really enjoying my practicals these past couple of weeks but that's probably because I've started to actually make some new friends. My prac partner, even though she has little to say is pretty cool. I overheard one of our tutors saying how great we work together, especially when amazingly there's great communication even though there's little of it. I guess all good communication is one that can be understood, hopefully the times I stuffed up this semester won't deter her from helping me out next semester. I've also caught up with a long lost friend who coincidentally was in my prac class as well. It's funny how the rekindling of old motivation for a love occurs when talking about it's history...


The things life sometimes throws at you hey? Not quite sure whether I should throw it back or hold onto it. It does add a couple of more good reasons to life though, maybe let time run its course.

To be continued.

Upon arrival at the Mariot hotel, we were greeted by great tan coloured fans which other than merely moving the air around it, showed just how grand this hotel was. We regrouped at the entrance to the restaurant in front of a rock pool shooting water from a fountain, to be served by a waiter in a suit whom showed us around. For the first time in my life, I was introduced to the foods that I would be eating and shown to their locality. There were wood-fire pizzas which were made on the spot and the local seafood which comprised of the prawns, bugs and oysters were the freshest I’ve ever seen. The oysters were much creamier than imaginable and the cooked foods were delicious. They had panned fried snapper with hollandaise sauce, oven grilled moreton bay bugs with cracked pepper and tomato and onion chutney. There were more oysters which were oven baked with bacon, lamb cutlets with pepper gravy and bar-b-que chicken which was hand carved by a chef. Assorted breads, salads and cheeses were offered similar to other buffets however the quality of the foods seemed much more superior.

So in we dug, and dug in we did, no time wasted. The food was beautiful to say the least but the company was what made the party. The retelling of stories with the regulars to catch the non-regulars up heard many sounds of laughter and joy. It’s always good seeing everyone at once, it reminds me of the young school days where we’d all see each other everyday, all together, all at once. We laughed when the waitress fulfilled Vinhs need for oranges and were amazed at how much Ross could actually eat.







After an exhausting couple of hours and a delightful couple of dessert plates later, satisfied, we all waddled away to figure what the next plan of action was to be. A suggestion here and a drive there lead us to a new jetty built just off of the broad water car park. It was beautiful and coupled with such a beautiful day, there wasn’t much more that could make me happier. Quangie who fulfilled his attempt earlier to trick me by actually bringing a fishing rod, hit the plastics hard on the jetty while we all sat admiring the day in end. Bondy with his amazing camera took some equally amazing photos. In usual fishing fashion, we caught jack all however it was good fun seeing the Koreans fillet undersized bream and throwing them out in hope for something massive. With the sun setting to leave a hue of red and orange colours swirling in the sky, it was time to end one wonderful day and head for home. We stopped by sunnybank for some late dinner dessert and for those who stayed; we decided that the night was still young. It was about 8 o’clock and after a quick game of starcraft and hon, we decided the next best thing to do was hit Redcliffe for a quick fish.

A dismal cold quiet night turned into an awesome one when Ricky pulled up a massive 52 centimeter flathead on servo prawns. The head on this thing was huge and such a great effort on his behalf to pull the thing from a bridge that high. When the orange and red colours of the sky started to appear again, beneath the darkness, and despite the fact that a new day was about to begin, we decided to end the epic day that was. After filling our stomachs with pre-breakfast maccas, we headed home to Brisbane to our long awaiting beds, for a sleep which could run as late into the day as wanted.

Long weekends are the best! Cont.

I’ve been a little lost these past couple of days, not only due to the fact that my phone finally decided to shit itself, but I think the over-training I did the past couple of weeks has put me down hard.

Its difficult getting up in the morning these days especially when I’ve got no phone to wake me up but the body screams for more sleep and I usually cave in. Sunday was a good sleep where 12 or so hours went under the sheets. The missing may be due to the fact that these past couple of weeks have been pretty full on and the fatigue and restlessness of the physical is finally catching up to me.

We’ve had two long weekends in a row and damn, what those long weekends were! I think I did mention briefly that my birthday was spent as a quiet one early morning at the local internet café together with the close. All seemed to be a year once past again until a hint of reveal from Martin and I guess a little bit of hope on my behalf that a simple fishing trip Sunday morning didn’t seem so simple. A reminder of my over-analyzing personality put me to bed early that night, because surely, two surprise birthdays just didn’t seem a likely chance.

But it was, and confirmed so when Phuccie and Ricky awoke me under a mass of bodies that is the doggie pile in which I noticed Phuccie was slightly overdressed for a short flick session down the coast. When Bindi barged in looking a little less scrubby than usual, and told me to move my arse to get ready and to put something nice on, I could only think of one thing and one thing only; seafooooood buffet, they remembered!

So after a little more or less enthusiastic attempts of the guys whom arrived one by one at the sunnybank maccas to pretend to wonder what I also was doing at sunnybank, a convoy of several cars started to head down the coast. While admiring the two jackal lures martin had given me, I also realized how relaxing it was being a passenger for once. With Bindi driving the Camry, and the much larger seats which accommodated me and the comfortability of the air con breezing past my cheeks to make them cold, it felt like goodness that I’ve been longing to experience once upon a time....

Cont....

It's not about the shoes,

it's about knowing where your going,

not forgetting where you started.

It's about having the courage to fail,

not breaking when you are broken.

Taking everything you've been given,

and making something better.

It's about work, before glory,

and what's inside of you,

is doing what they say you can't.

It's not about the shoes, it's about what you do in them.

it's about being who you are born to be.

Michael Jordan.

When you have one of those days where nothing seems to be going right
When you have one of those days where so much effort seems to result to little or no gain,
When you have one of those days where your sick of people telling you your not good enough,
When you have one of those days where it's so much easier to give up than try harder,

Watch this video.

Im so happy I've got to post it twice!

110.4 biatches!!!

So it has been a couple of days since the last time I posted however this time there actually is reason for such a postponed bloggage.

Even though days don't seem to be stuffed with both uni 'and' work, the last week of pretty much complete freeness (I didn't have a prac class last wednesday) I've been hard at work, fixing the car to make look a bit more like a car. For four days and the countless number of hours it encompassed, I have finally repainted the accord to a more decent colour black, one which helps me relax a little bit more when I see the occasional po po driving by these days.

Through the numerous amounts of wetsanding, wax and grease rinsing, priming, base coating and clear coating, I definitely could not have done it without the efforts of phuccie whom helped me tape her up and drive me around Brisbane to get the parts to get her sorted. Despite the fact that phuccie complained about how I slave laboured him, hopefully the couple of fishing lures I gave him in return paid him back a little (he'll probably be more than happy to use the slave labour excuse next time he lends me a hand, that bloody bastard!)

With a bit of a wetsanding of the clear coat and a buff and a polish and a wax, hopefully she'll look just out of the shop. Hopefully.

I finally got my protein I ordered a week or so back but in tasting my first shake, the wait was definitely worth while. So in regards to protein, I've also stepped up the training with Martin where both him and I broke the 25 and 37.5 kilogram chest dumb bell barriers respectively. Another achievement that I definitely am proud of is finally reaching the 110 mark at a final after workout weight of 110.4 while maintaining weight on strength training.

What a way to spend a birthday hey. Ohh yeah, my birthday just passed over from yesterday and was enjoyed starting with a little hon-ing with the crew, a little uni, a sleep and a quiet one which ended at maccas eating chicken mcnuggets.

Love you guys and love the gifts ya got me.

I'm off to watch some big bang theory and hopefully fall asleep dreaming of happy things. G'night Mr Internets.

one one one point four.

Year 2010 is the year of the tiger and apparently it's not much of a good year for us dragons. As I have already experienced, a few noticeable things have happened which may help confirm this little horoscope prediction.

While typing this post, I am doing so on my little sisters old vaio as my laptop decided that I wouldn't be bored enough with uni holidays just starting; she died. But the thing which made it worst was the fact that it would turn on and operate normally for about 10 percent of the time which got me to question whether or not I should fix it or just see if it fixed itself. It didn't and upon taking her to the local computer guy who usually fixes my stuff (yes, I occasionally have computer problems) I learned that he was away in Vietnam for a few weeks.

Realizing that I didn't need the computer anyways considering all I would do was work over the holidays, I happened to find myself a nice stomach bug and eatted (hahaha) it up, which put me on the toilet with massive gut cramps every 20 or so minutes for 4 days. Heaps of fun.

I absolutely treat my phone like dog shit and after fixing her up with a new case, I found that a few solders had broken off in the process and it forgot how to turn on. 150 bucks later she works like a charm and I cared for it like a baby. I am amazed at how sturdy those nokias' are made though as I've dropped it millions of times off shelves 3 or so metres high to result in barely a scratch. It's funny how the one time I actually put it down so that I wouldn't break it would be the last time it worked normally. I get too emotional just talking about it so I will just tell you that she can't slide now and I can't talk to people unless they are on loudspeaker.

It seems that however it isn't just me who's been on the bad side of luck these days. Tiens little emo decided to die on the side of the road and after some good money, and 5 weeks later, he's to pick it up monday. Martin seems to be having heaps of fun as well with his fridge breaking and taking 3 weeks to fix, his car dying and there was also something else which I can't remember; not being as sexy as me maybe?

But in all the bad, I've got to admit, the horoscope doesn't tell all truth. The diet which was working splendidly for me even though was wrecked by the bastard of the bug I ingested, the food intoxication helped me along with an extra couple of kilos considering I didn't eat much for the first couple of days. It also helped me relate to patients and with the meds the doctor gave me, I learned some useful information for mondays counselling exam on diarrhoea and constipation. My computer dying allowed me to reflect much more on myself rather than chilling out surfing the net for useless stuff, I was actually able to lie down and read some of cloudstreet that I started a year or so ago.

I also was able to grab a new screen (the one I was supposed to get a year ago) for the new substitute computer in which the screen lamp has died). And with the phone, well, I guess, there's really not much to say here....